Velvet, the TV pilot from 1984 that was never allowed to be the masterpiece it could have been!

One of my friends (yeah, I can’t believe I have those either) sent me the link to the intro of this exquisite work of captivating television art that should’ve been TV’s crown jewel. Velvet had all the ingredients for the greatest TV show of the decade, if not century, if not history of television. It was a shameless Charlie’s Angel knock-off with an all star cast! It starred Shari Belafonte, Leah Ayres (aka fake Marcia from The Bradys), Mary-Margaret Humes (aka Dawson’s mom from Dawson’s Creek) and Sheree J. Wilson from Dallas and Walker, Texas Ranger. Polly Bergen played a Charlie-like character. Aaron Spelling was one of the producers. It had EVERYTHING. I mean, grace your eyes against the synopsis from IMDB:

A female team of government agents, under the guise of owners of a popular worldwide franchise of aerobic centers, match wits with a group of criminals who have kidnapped a top defensive specialist and his ailing son, intending to sell him to the highest bidder.

A team of glamorous government agent masquerading as aerobics instructors?! Throw in Uma Thurman as Mia Wallace and that’s Fox Force Five. If someone ever questions you when you say that the 80s was the greatest decade of them all, shut them down by saying, “TV executives actually okay’d a pilot about crime-fighting aerobics instructors. The end.”

But sadly, Velvet didn’t get picked up. Only the pilot episode was made and it was later aired as a TV movie. This is the nearly 3-minute-long intro that will take you higher. There’s no need to freebase caffeine this morning, because this is the only picker-upper you need:

Dear Hollywood, it’s not too late to right your wrong by ordering a full season of Velvet. Shari, Fake Marcia, Dawson’s mom and April Ewing are still available. Long live Velvet!

Christina Ricci (35)
Jennifer Stone (22)
Mike Posner (27)
Sarah Lancaster (35)
Jesse Spencer (36)
Aaron Sanchez (39)
Tara Strong (42)
Darren Aronofsky (46)
Josh Brolin (47)
Chynna Phillips (47)
Lochlyn Munro (49)
Ed Lover (52)
John Michael Higgins (52)
Arsenio Hall (59)
Joanna Kerns (62)
Michael McDonald (63)
Maud Adams (70)
Judy Blume (77)
Franco Zeffirelli (92)

Dakota Whatever, Jamie Dornan and Sam Taylor-Johnson actually smiled with their mouths at the Fifty Shades of Meh premiere at the Berlinale International Film Festival tonight and probably because a photographer screamed, “You’re almost done with this shit!” Or because someone from Universal waved their bonus checks at them – Just Jared

Goopy Paltrow wants you to think that her conscious uncoupling with Chris Martin happened a year before she announced it, because nobody cheats on her with an Alexa Chung! – Lainey Gossip

That time where I mistook a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover model for Fiona Apple – Drunken Stepfather

I have a feeling that Backdoor Farrah is totally going to get the Nobel Peace Prize in literature for this one – Reality Tea

Aaron Johnson proposed to Sam Taylor-Johnson before their lips even touched. Okay, but did they do anal, because if so, then I don’t think it’s creepy that he asked her to be his wife before kissing – Celebitchy

The trailer for Judd Apatow’s Trainwreck is out and it had me at Tilda Swinton – Jezebel

Didn’t Pink get the memo? It’s only okay to pose naked for animal charities if you’re posing with a dead fish on your twat – The Superficial

Kristen Stewart is walking down the street and she’s not holding her morning coffee. I fully expect Starbucks to declare bankruptcy in 3..2…. – Popoholic

Laverne Cox got cast in a drama pilot for CBS – Popoholic

Today, House of Cards stuck the tip in for a second before pulling out – Pajiba

Based on this future Michael Jordan’s outfit, he’s one of my uncles. I’m so proud! – Hollywood Tuna

Blessed be the scorned chick who leaked dick pics of her hot WWE piece  – (NSFW) OMG Blog

These can’t be pictures from Johnny Depp’s private island wedding with Amber Heard. He’s not completely covered in scarves and anal bead necklaces – Popsugar

And Sia will put this hot tattooed ballet dancer in one of her videos any minute now. He better start fitting himself for a blond wig – The Berry

Rita Whora is the Sylvia Miles of Fifty Shades of Grey, basically – HuffPo

A new Cinderella trailer is here and it’s confirmed to me that this movie should only be nothing but Cate Blanchett throwing side-eyes on a loop – Boy Culture

Somewhere Richard Gere’s proctologist is shaking his head while saying, “She’s right, she’s right...” – SOW

Meghan Trainor wants dick – IDLYITW

The first Hot Slut of the Month of 2015 has been crowned (and that crown will go perfectly with his plastic Elizabethan collar). Bart, the cat who was written off as dead and later pawed his way out of his grave, is our new HSOTM. We’re calling him Dlisted’s Mister January today, but soon we’ll all call him our overlord when he gets his revenge on humanity for burying him alive. Bart got a little over 35% of your votes and beat out the Hot Slut of My Life Cookie Lyon (28.23%), Ernest Moniz (18.95%) and Dave The Dancing Freak Machine (17.41%). Bart will be back next year to battle it out for Hot Slut of 2015. Thanks to everyone who voted. And now for a Bart update…

If you don’t already know, Bart’s story went viral when he crawled his way back to life 5 days after he was declared dead by his human and his human’s neighbor. Bart was hit by a car and his human and a neighbor figured he was dead. They didn’t take him to the vet to make sure. RUDE! They buried him and didn’t expect to ever see him again. Since Pet Semetery was a documentary and taught us that cats can come back from the dead, Bart was found alive in the yard days later. Bart’s human, Ellis Hutson, took him to the Humane Society of Tampa Bay where he was treated for a busted eye (which he lost) and other injuries. Ellis Hutson can’t afford to pay the vet bills, so the Humane Society isn’t charging him. They’re also refusing to give Bart back. This is where it becomes some Losing Isaiah shit.

The Humane Society of Tampa Bay’s director isn’t sure if Ellis is the right human to take care of Bart since he buried the cat without consulting a vet first. The director believes Bart was “knowingly buried alive” and also has other concerns. So Ellis is suing them and has accused them of using Bart for publicity and to raise more money. Ellis told ABC Action News:

“If we have to go to court, we have to go to court. If we have to go to court, we have to go to court.”

Okay, but Ellis’ neighbor started a GoFundMe page to supposedly pay for Bart’s medical expenses and I don’t really understand that since the Humane Society already said that they’re covering that shit. Ellis might be thinking that Bart is going to be the next Grumpy Cat. Whatever, Bart doesn’t need Ellis Hutson anymore. I’m sure once Bart gets 100% better, he’ll bust out of the Humane Society and take a Peter Pan bus to Hollywood to star in a reboot of Pet Semetary! It was the role he was born and died and born again to play. Now that he’s won the title of Hot Slut of the Month he can do anything! Or he’ll be forever embarrassed and get revenge on all of us. Either or.

A dead fish and a sleeping human… You’d think this was another still from Fifty Shades of Grey.

Just like Gillian Anderson’s eel bra-wearing ass, Helena Bonham Carter took off her clothes and pressed her bits up against a giant tuna to raise awareness for overfishing. The charity Fishlove campaigns for “marine reserves to protect endangered species around the world.” One of the ways Fishlove raises awareness is the PETA way. They get famous chicks to get naked with fish. Most of us probably wouldn’t have even heard of Fishlove if it wasn’t for gross ass pictures, so mission accomplished, I guess?

HBC’s friend, actress Greta Scacchi, asked her to do it and she did it even though she’s fish phobic:

“I am a big supporter of protecting the marine environment. I’m actually very phobic about fish so when Greta asked me to be photographed naked with a 27kg tuna I was more worried about touching it than getting my kit off. Having said that, I conquered my fears and by the end of the morning we’d truly bonded. He will be my Valentine.”

Goopy Paltrow is probably looking at that picture and thinking to herself, “Pfft! Exfoliating your pussy lips with the scales of a 27kg tuna is so 2011!” HBC doesn’t fool me, though. I doubt this is the first time she’s ever fake breastfeed a giant tuna while naked. That’s probably a regular Wednesday night for her. She’s HBC.

And here’s another picture in the series that Brandi Glanville would title: An Artistic Interpretation Of Joanna Krupa’s Vagina.

“Aw girl, no – you’re supposed to be hanging out on me drinking wine and watching House Hunters International!” cried Sophie B. Hawkin’s couch. Sorry couch, but it looks like you’re going to have to take a rain check. UsWeekly says that 50-year-old Sophie – singer of such super-90s songs as “As I Lay Me Down” and “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” (aka the song I belt out every time I see a picture of Jon Hamm going for a stroll with the Hammaconda) is going to be busy for the next 18 years because she’s currently knocked up with a baby girl. Sophie B. Pregnant!

Sophie already has a 6-year-old son named Dashiell, so the whole late-in-life mom thing isn’t exactly new to her. Plus, she’s been preparing for it – Sophie’s new baby was conceived using eggs she froze when she was 31-years-old. And according to Sophie, it’s really not going to be a big deal that she might end up getting her first hot flash in the middle of a diaper change:

“Being 50 is actually an amazing age to have a second child because I am more wise, calm, humorous, appreciative, simple and clear. I’m not running around looking for love and validation. I live each day full of gratitude, and that’s good for my children. I’ve built a community and I keep refining it.”

I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve never been 50, so I don’t know if being pregnant at 50 is a good idea or a bad idea. But if that hot bitch Sally O’Malley has taught me anything, it’s that 50-year-olds can still kick-stretch-kick and do everything a young type can. So if Sophie can still kick, stretch, kick, then it’s probably safe to assume she can also stretch, push, scream.