Mr. Miscavige, for the last time, ‘the middle of the desert’ is not a proper shipping address! – Tanagra

Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):

Mr. Miscavige, for the last time, ‘the middle of the desert’ is not a proper shipping address! – Tanagra

Fed-Ex Girlfriend… – Tyler Harrell

Pic: Tosh.0

Nothing says “good morning” like a giant serving of memaw twat.

Madonna, meet your new idol and my new idol: 80-year-old Shirley Andrews, a true Hot Slut and fuck film star. While many grandmas spend their days attacking brats with switches and nibbling on caramel squares as they watch their stories, Horny Shirley loves to spend her days riding young peen and smearing Werther’s Originals-scented lube on her seasoned puss before riding yet another young peen. Shirley got into the porn game when she was 73 and she claims that she’s fucked around 1,000 dudes ranging in age from 18 and up. So yeah, look down at that spoon stuck in your microwave oatmeal. That’s what a close-up in one of Shirley’s porns look like and I know that because I may or may not have found one on Google.

Shirley was just one of the horny memaws featured on Nanna Love: Fifty Shades of Granny, which splattered against TV screens in the UK last night. Fifty Shades of Granny was their version of TLC’s Extreme Cougar Wives and it also starred former HSOTD Marjorie McCool and cougar hunter and porn star Kyle Jones. Kyle Jones is the pass around patty of the cougar world, because he’s done them all. Because he’s been in more grannies than a Fleet enema, Kyle Jones knows his nana ass and says that Shirley’s ass is his favorite. Shirley’s vagina should really be declared a national historical site.

Here’s the trailer for Fifty Shades of Granny and let me just remind you that these memaws are probably getting more dick than you:

Shirley is spending her Metamucil phase of life getting young dick, she could easily play Judge Judy in a porn parody and she has a pair of exquisite BIC pen eyebrows. If you’re still not convinced that she should be one of your heroes, the “Gangbang Queen” tattoo on her tit may seal the deal.

All hail the Gangbang Queen!

Thom Evans (30)
Jesse Plemons (27)
Lee DeWyze (29)
Ashley Peldon (31)
Yung Joc (32)
Michael Fassbender (38)
Aiden Turner (38)
Justin Bieber’s mom (39)
DeeDee Magno (40)
Adam Rodriguez (40)
Roselyn Sanchez (42)
Traci Braxton (43)
Clark Gregg (53)
Christopher Meloni (54)
Keren Woodward (54)
Emmylou Harris (68)
Camille Paglia (68)
Linda Hunt (70)
Reggie Smith (70)

Thanks to Katy Perry’s (probably) April Fools’ Day wig, I’ll never ever be able to scrub the dark-sided and heave-inducing image of Pimp Mama Kris shooting whipped cream out of her tits – Lainey Gossip 

Megan Fox serving up mouth breathing mannequin stiffness in Harper’s Bazaar Arabia – Drunken Stepfather

FYI: When Bradley Cooper goes beard browsing at the clubs, he wears earplugs – Celebitchy

The Oscars really don’t have shit on the bright shiny A-list extravaganza that AOL hosted in Times Square – Reality Tea

If Aubrey O’Day was going for” Transylvania real doll call girl on downers,” she pretty much nailed it  – Egotastic! 

Dear Crystal O’Connor (Side note: I hate that her name makes me think of the supreme goddess from Showgirls), I’m trashy enough to get pizza for my wedding, but I’m just a little classy enough to get it from California Pizza Kitchen – Towleroad

When are we going to find out that Rita Wilson cheated on Tom Hanks with Vanilla Ice in the 90s and gave birth to Chet Haze? – The Superficial 

So from now on, you can think of FourFiveSeconds as a Wilson Phillips song featuring RiRi, Kanye and that guy from the Beatles – Jezebel

Um, I think Kylie Jenner got some of Khlozilla’s cooch fur stuck on her purse – Hollywood Tuna 

Dave Chappelle’s stalker obviously doesn’t know comedy, because you’re not supposed to throw the banana peel. You’re supposed to slip on it – WWTDD

LEAVE TARA REID ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE – SOW

Hilary Duff still has pool hair – Popoholic

Behold, cum gutters galore – The Berry 

Patton Oswalt took a break from hating on ginger earth angel Phoebe Price (no, I will NEVER forget) to defend Trevor Noah in a tweet rant – Just Jared

Joni Mitchell is still in ICU, but is awake and happy-ish – Popsugar

Suicide Squad added more cast members – Pajiba

“DAAAAAAAAAAD!!!” – Brooklyn Beckham to his dad – ICYDK

It’s like gay Christmas! Faye Dunaway is writing a tell-all about the making of Mommie Dearest – Queerty

Pic: Instagram

And here’s #4,568,093,675 for why I love the greatest state in the country: Florida.

When I was a kid, we’d try pulling our loose teeth out by doing the “slam the door” trick. It hardly ever worked for me. Nowadays, kids have it easier. All they have to do is blast a Justin Bieber song at their mouth and that tooth will jump right out and run toward the nearest exit. But this Florida dad, who’s a wrestler named Rob Venomous, decided to go old-school. He hooked his son’s tooth up to a string attached to his Camaro (with the word “balls” on its license, because Florida) and hit the gas pedal. Don’t worry, I’m sure that Rob Venomous knows what he’s doing. I’m sure he’s also a board certified dentist and learned that technique at the Florida School of Dentistry.

via Fox 13 Tampa 

Her last name is Twigs, right?

During a conversation with Vulture (via Popsugar) about music and stuff, the godfather of Auto-Tune T-Pain said that he listens to a lot of FKA Twigs for inspiration and when he was asked if he’s working on her next album, he dropped a bomb that will make the Robsten fangirls scream until their tonsils rip off, fly out of their mouths and wiggle on the floor. A window in my bedroom just broke and I’m pretty sure it was from the pressure of the high-pitched wail that Nutty Madam let out all the way from England. T-Pain just casually let it be known, that you know, FKA Twigs is engaged to ol’ Patty, no big deal:

Will FKA Twigs be on your new album?
Well, the first time we even met each other, we met in the studio. Her music’s changed a lot since then. But she’s on tour so much, and anytime I call her, she’s in a different place. And she’s engaged now, so that’s about to be a whole other thing. [Laughs.]

Wait, she’s engaged? That’s news to me.
Yeah, to ol’ Patty [Robert Pattinson]. I don’t know if she wanted anybody to know that …

Couldn’t T-Pain have waited, because the Internet is barely starting to rebuild itself after it was nearly destroyed from that Zayn news. But seriously, I don’t think the Robsten fan girl wing of mental hospitals need to make room for new patients just yet. I’m sure those crazies haven’t totally lost it, because they probably think this could be a prank and they’re furiously refreshing Vulture until they see the words “UPDATE: APRIL FOOLS’!” Or they’re gathering evidence to prove their theory that FKA Twigs is holding one of the unicorns from ol’ Patty’s enchanted forest hostage and is making him marry her.

And here’s some pictures of FKA Twigs wearing a gold ring on THAT FINGER at the Alexander McQueen exhibit last month. It’s either ‘shopped or she, Vulture and T-Pain have been working on this elaborate prank for a long time! Obviously.

Pics: Wenn.com