The Vitameatavegamin Lucille Ball statue that is creeping out and terrorizing the people of her hometown Celoron, NY!

Yes, I mean THAT Lucille Ball. Not some other Lucille Ball who was the town crackhead and whose body was possessed by the dark-sided spirit of a deranged lemur on meth. That statue looks like a Sleestak in drag as Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies. Reader Brett, who sent this in, said the statue looks like “Clint Howard in a plastic Elvis wig during a bad peyote trip” and that’s spot on.

The terrifying, soul-snatching statue of Lucy went up in Celoron in 2009, but lately some of her fans and the town’s residents have been trying hard to get the city to remove it, send it back to Nightmare Land and replace it with a statue that actually looks like her. Yahoo! News says that one guy started a Facebook page titled “We Love Lucy! Get Rid Of This Statue!” and has been asking the mayor to rid their sight of that horrifying monster statue. The dude who is leading the fight says that he’s a fan of the sculptor’s other works but feels like the mark was missed on this statue. He basically said that if the statue stays, there will be a holy water drought in the East Coast, because whenever you walk by it at night you want to cleanse it while screaming, “SANTO DIOS!”

“Lucille Ball was not only an amazing comedienne, but she was a stunning beauty. Her sense of humor only made her more beautiful. This statue looks nothing like the beautiful Lucy we all know. If for no other reason than that… the statue should go. I don’t think this can be repaired. Take a look at the beautiful statues Nick at Nite created for ‘Bewitched’ and ‘The Honeymooners’ and Bob Newhart… it needs to be something more like those.

I think it looks like a monster. That is just my opinion. When you see it at night, it is frightening.”

The mayor said the statue haters can keep crying, but they’re not going to replace it since that would cost at least $8,000 and he’s not going to use taxpayer money on that. But a fund has been set up to raise money for a new statue. Well, if they raise the money to replace that statue, can they please send the old one to me? I’ll gladly take it off of their clammy, terrified hands. It’s the perfectly horrifying thing to prop up outside my door so that NOBODY ever bothers me again.

Sebastian Bach (47)
Paris Jackson (17)
Amanda Bynes (29)
Leona Lewis (30)
Chrissie Fit (31)
Cobie Smulders (33)
Matthew Goode (37)
Aries Spears (40)
Kelly Price (42)
Adam Scott (42)
Jennie Garth (43)
Catherine McCormack (43)
Picabo Street (44)
Eddie Murphy (54)
David Hyde Pierce (56)
Alec Baldwin (57)
Tony Orlando (71)
Marsha Mason (73)
Wayne Newton (73)
Eric Braeden (74)
Jane Goodall (81)
Doris Day (91)

“So THIS is the real reason why for I rose from the dead a billion years ago,” said Jesus while watching the pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer pose in a topless Easter-themed fame whore photo shoot with bunnies – Hollywood Tuna

Future Oscar-winner Vin Diesel had his hand and foot prints immortalized at Graum’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood and that’s great and everything, but when are they going to bring that ceremony into the NOW by making the dudes do peen prints too – Lainey Gossip

Kim Kartrashian is such a wonderful, caring and sympathetic sister who is not at all dead inside and void of human empathy – Celebitchy

I don’t know what this says about me, but while watching RiRi prank Jimmy Kimmel, I kept looking for morning wood – Drunken Stepfather

Will somebody please start a Kickstarter page for Christina Milian, because ho is so down and out that she can’t afford a t-shirt – Egotastic! 

The streets of New Jersey are safer now that Juicy Joe’s license has been snatched away – Reality Tea 

Earlier I said that the easiest way to make a shit load of money without doing much of anything is to be Kunty Karl’s pussy. I take that back. The easiest way to get cash without doing much of anything is to open up a pizza place in Indiana, tell the local news that you refuse to cater a gay wedding, watch the death threats come in, close up shop, start a GoFundMe page and begin spending the money morons send you – Towleroad

Well, Katy Perry is used to getting calls from strangers, because I’m sure John Mayer wrote her number on the wall of every men’s bar bathroom in L.A. after they broke up – IDLYITW

The starfish on Jordana Brewster’s crotch is an elegant touch – Popoholic

Deadpool is going to get an R-rating. Okay, but does that mean Ryan Reynolds is going to show his dick in it or no? – The Superficial 

Jessica Simpson’s brand brought in $1 billion last year and I’d tell her to celebrate by getting plastered but she probably already is – Jezebel

For the thirsty hos who have it for Nick Jonas: Here’s a quarter of his nalgas – OMG Blog

Expect thousands of Cumberbitches to go to their doctor with major yeast infection problems, because you know they’re all going to fuck this chocolate statue repeatedly – SOW

This might be John Legend’s greatest gig ever. He can retire now. – The Berry 

The moment a Price Is Right model starts crying because her ass knows she screwed up and will have to go back modeling for the JcPenney catalog – Popsugar

Giuliana Rancic says that her and her husband’s surrogate miscarried their last embryo – ICYDK

House of Cards will be back next year – HuffPo

Here’s the trailer for the Amy Winehouse documentary and it’s missing a scene where she screams “BLAAAAAAKE” out the window – Pajiba

Pic: Wenn.com 

If you need a soundtrack to go along with that pic, here you go:

I didn’t think I’d spend a piece of my day writing about outdoor panda porn, but here we are. Lu Lu, a dude panda at the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre in China, can’t open the Tinder app today without risking his phone blowing up, because every lady panda is probably hitting him up after seeing the marathon fuck show he and his lady panda friend Zhen Zhen threw down the other day. The Daily Mail (who else?) says that Lu Lu earned the nickname “The Enduring Brother” after he and Lu Lu did it doggy-style (which will soon be renamed “panda-style”) for 7 minutes and 45 seconds in front of everyone. Sucio kinky pandas!

Not only is that a new record for the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre, but it’s probably a new record for all living things. Who fucks for more than 7 minutes at a time? Even Sting is lying. Whenever someone tells me they got it on for hours, I throw them an eye roll and say that the 5 hours they spent post-sex watching Golden Girls episodes while cuddling doesn’t count, bitch.

And in case you’re weird and are wondering, here’s what Zhen Zhen’s “in heat” face looks like:

A lady panda’s “in heat” face is the same face I make when the server at IHOP tells me they ran out of crepes.

Hollywood committed a highly illegal sin in 1995 when Full House went off the air and they didn’t immediately give the show’s only major star Kimmy Gibbler her own spin-off show where she goes off to NYC and works as a nanny for a gold-plated rich bitch and moves in with a future Broadway star who is obsessed with Cats (they didn’t have Lion King on Broadway then). They could’ve called it The Unbreakable Kimmy Gibbler. They fucked up majorly, but they have finally righted that wrong.

TVLine says that Full House has joined the really long list of shows being rebooted. Netflix is expected to order 13 episodes of Fuller House, which will star Andrea Barber as KIMMY GIBBLER!!! and Candace Cameron Bure as that whiny character nobody cares about. Some of the other Full Housers will guest star on that shit and John Stamos is going to get an executive producer credit.

Fellow Full House vets John Stamos, Bob Saget and Dave Coulier are being eyed to make guest appearances, with Stamos having a producer role, as well. The project is being shepherded by the original show’s creator, Jeff Franklin, who will exec-produce alongside Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett (both of whom also EP’d the original).

Here’s my prediction for Fuller House:

Kimmy Gibbler is the richest person in San Francisco who made her fortune from reinventing the scrunchie. She bought the Tanner’s house and let them all move back in because she felt sorry for their broke asses.

DJ Tanner married Steve, but only a few months into the marriage she realized that she can’t stop lying to herself. She came out as a lesbian, quit her job as an administrative assistant at a low-level PR company and now devotes her time to being a pro-marriage equality activist and feminist. (Dear writers, please do this to Candace Cameron Bure.)

Stephanie Tanner runs a meth lab in the basement without Kimmy Gibbler knowing and she uses Mr. Bear to smuggle the bad shit across the boarder into Canada.

Michelle died, but her ghost still haunts the Tanner house. If the Olsens guest star, this the only way to explain their current day appearance.

Kunty Karl has obviously never met the true inspiration for elegance Shauna Sand. But that’s another conversation for him and me to have while I’m filing his claws as one of his slaves in Hell.

Karl Lagerfeld was recently in NYC to present his Paris-Salzburg collection (Whatever that means!) and he let The Cut into his tomb at The Mercer Hotel to talk about it, but he didn’t really want to talk about that or himself or inspiration or books or TV or movies. The only thing Kunty Karl really wanted to talk about was the only living thing on this planet who is safe from him sucking the life out of them when the evil inside him needs refueling. Karl only wanted to talk about his precious pussy Choupette Lagerfeld. Karl calls Choupette the “most famous cat in the world,” but again, he obviously lives in an ass bubble of ignorance where he doesn’t know who Shauna Sand or Grumpy Cat is.

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