I like to imagine that’s the same position Jon Hamm has to be in when he takes a dick pic. You have to hold it upright if you want the panorama mode on your camera to capture all the angles properly.

Edward Snowden, a dude who my dumb ass always mistakes for a secondary character from The Office that doesn’t exist (is he Meredith’s son? Or one of Scott’s Tots?), recently met with John Oliver in Russia for an interview for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. If you’re anything like me and you only watch the panda-fucking parts of the news, then you know that the story of Edward Snowden leaking a bunch of NSA documents is confusing as hell. Thankfully, John Oliver was able to put it all into perspective by asking whether or not the NSA have seen pictures America’s dick pics. According to Edward Snowden, yes they have! (the dick talk starts around the 25:00 mark):

When asked by John Oliver if people should stop sending pictures of their junk to each other until all this NSA business gets sorted out, Edward Snowden replied:

“No. You shouldn’t change your behavior because a government agency somewhere is doing the wrong thing. If we sacrifice our values because we’re afraid, we don’t care about those values very much.”

That’s right! Set off some fireworks, shave your downstairs hair into the shape of a bald eagle, turn the “America Fuck Yeah!” up to 11 and ask one of the heads on Mt. Rushmore to hold the camera steady while you try to snap a pic of your wet bits. It’s what Lady Liberty would want! Yes, I just pictured Uncle Sam sending the Statue of Liberty a grainy red, white, and blue jpg with the message “I WANT YOU…to check out this 6″ flag pole. u like?” I know, I have NO respect for history.

Roberto Pozzi, the mayor of Laglio, Italy, has let the paparazzi, fans and other unwanted tricks (see: Sarah Larson looking for a loan) know that the land around George Clooney’s villas in Lake Como are now protected by the law and if a bitch so much as touches the sacred grounds around Villa d’Smuggy, they could be slapped down with a €500 fine. I would post pictures of George Clooney’s villas, but if I did and you looked at them, you could find a bill for $550 in your inbox.

The Telegraph says that Mayor Roberto Pozzi issued an ordinance stating that anyone who gets out of their car or boat while within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be labeled dirty trespassers and could face a €500 fine. George and Amal Clooney are reportedly going to spend a piece of their summer in Lake Como, so the mayor wants to make sure that nobody bothers them. The mayor issued a similar ordinance last year.

Oh, THE RICH and THE FAMOUS! They get the mayor to issue an ordinance that keeps away pesky tricks while us peasants have to have to shut out mouths and crawl around on the floor while waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking at our front door to get the hint and go away.

The paparazzi must be so confused and hurt over George kicking them in the asshole like this. They miss the happier days of his STUNT QUEEN wedding extravaganza in Venice when his publicist would give them the exact location of his whereabouts. They were there for him then and this is how he repays them?! Hurtful and rude! But seriously, I doubt a fine is going to keep the paps away. If the mayor really wants the paps to stay away, he should issue an ordinance stating that anyone who steps foot within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be thrown into a jail cell where they will be forced to watch Batman & Robin while sober. Not even the damn roaches and rats would go near his villas.

To be honest, I’m glad she’s turning into something boring like a private social club, because I don’t think I have the stomach to handle picturing Gwyneth Paltrow letting her inner nasty corn broom out.

TMZ says that common woman Gwyneth Paltrow and her business partner Gary Landesberg have bought the flagship Hustler store on Sunset from Larry Flint, who was selling it so they could move closer to the Dolby Theater at Hollywood and Highland. Goopy plans on knocking it down and building her own fancy exclusive rich person social club.

Gwyneth’s club (working name: you don’t get to know that information, you disgusting poor) will basically be a rip-off of The Arts Club in London. You’ll have to be a Goop-approved somebody to get an invitation, it will cost a ton of money to join, and once you’re in, there’s a strict dress code and you’re not allowed to swear. Really? Well fuck that shit.

Currently, if you want to be a member at The Arts Club in London, it’s $2000 to join and $2000 a year. But TMZ says Gwyneth’s club promises to be much more expensive. This is where I’d make a joke about Gwyneth Paltrow being the real-life version of Snobby Saleswoman #2, but I believe Michael K would never speak to me again if I ever dared to utter such an insult to Snobby Saleswoman #2.

But I wonder what made Gwyneth decide to open her own fancy exclusive rich person club? My guess is because she discovered the fanciest private club in town wasn’t fancy enough for her. “What is that? A toilet? Where are the personal waste ushers? What’s next? That you don’t even use hand-picked bald eagle eggs in the brunch omelettes? Go start the Bentley, Blythe Danner – we’re leaving.“

Famed dermatologist, the godfather of the Pores No More skincare line and former HSOTD Dr. Frederic Brandt was found dead in his home in Miami yesterday at the age of 65. Dr. Brandt’s rep Jacquie Trachtenberg said at the time that he died of an illness he had been suffering from for a long time. She didn’t say what the illness was or what he died of. A quick second after Dr. Brandt’s publicist released that statement, a reporter in Miami tweeted that the illness he suffered from was depression and that the parody of him on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt broke him down and destroyed him. On Kimmy Schmidt, Martin Short plays a character that is clearly based on Dr. Brandt. So some outraged people on the Internet screamed for Martin Short and Tina Fey to be tried for their crimes!!!!!!! But Dr. Brandt’s rep later released a statement confirming that he committed suicide and said that a character on a Netflix show wasn’t the reason why.

“The show definitely deeply hurt him, he was being made fun of because of the way he looks. It is mean, and it was bullying. But the show was not the reason for his depression, and it was not the reason he would take his own life.”

Madonna is wearing her cheek cutlets at half-mast today, because she was Dr. Brandt’s most famous client. She once said that he’s the reason why she’s got clear skin. His other clients included Kelly Ripa, Stephanie Seymour and many more fancies.

Dr. Brandt was called the Baron of Botox (Side note: Nicole Kidman better honor the Baron of Botox by wearing a mourning veil for months) and he apparently invented the Botox neck lift and a lift where he injected filler under the cheekbones. Dr. Brandt said this to Interview about his process:

“What I try to do is to make your face look like it did when you were younger. I always tell people it’s not just about filling in the lines, but re-creating the shape of your face as it was in your early- or mid-twenties. People see the lines as they age but they don’t see how their shape is changing. I think it’s all about restoring the contours. You can fill in a line and it makes you look a little better, but it doesn’t make you look younger.”

I’m with Dr. Brandt. I try to look like I did in my early 20s, but I do it without fillers and changing my face shape. I just always make sure I’ve got pillow marks on my cheek, dried vodka drool on the side of my mouth and random crusty jizz balls stuck to my hairline.

Rest in peace, Dr. Brandt.

Pic: Getty

Sidenote: it looks like everything Chris Martin is wearing in the picture above was pulled by his stylist from a Chris Martin starter kit. I have never seen him look more Chris Martin-y. The only thing missing is a summerweight scarf and a bottle of Xanax for when he needs to feel more alert (when you’re a human nap, everything works like an upper).

You would think that the first thing you’d want to do upon returning home from a conscious uncoupling anniversary vacation with Gwyneth Paltrow would be to dive head-first into a pile of Frito Pie or wrap yourself in a 100% polyester polar fleece blanket (I’ve heard saying the words “polar fleece” in Goopy’s house will get you slapped with a lifetime ban), but Page Six says he hauled ass to New York City to kill those Kate Hudson rumors by taking Jennifer Lawrence on a date in Central Park.

A source says they had lunch at Tavern on the Green and then walked through Strawberry Fields holding hands. Then on Sunday, People says Martin Lawrence met up at New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport and flew somewhere. Or maybe they just fucked in first class while the pilot drove aimlessly around the tarmac for a couple hours, who knows? Either way, this shit sounds like an episode of The Bachelor.

People’s source adds that Chris Martin talks to JLaw daily while she’s away filming Joy in Boston and that they are still ‘going strong’. “Is that a challenge?” thought Kate Hudson’s musician-snatching coochie.

Here’s the lady half of Martin Lawrence leaving her hotel in NYC on Saturday.

Pics: Splash

People attending Easter Sunday service at West Hills Church in the San Fernando Valley were forced to watch the Fame Whorey of Easter pageant when the Dark Mistress of the Ninth Circle Pimp Mama Kris and her pack of moneymakers strolled on through while looking like the blind members of a cult who were dressed by hos who hate them.

When PMK let the paparazzi know the exact time that they’d be doing the ho stroll to church, the paps should’ve made sure that they had a mob of strict Catholic abuelitas waiting for them. Because those abuelitas would’ve had the time of their lives slapping down those Godless heathens with chanclas for bringing exposed belly button, teenage kamel toe and pure trashiness to church! Kanye West may have thought that his holey t-shirt is appropriate for that holy occasion, but Jesus does not like puns.

While Bruce Jenner, Rob Kartrashian and Scott Disick were at home breathing out several sighs of relief over not being a part of this ridiculous unholy Easter stunt, PMK, her boy toy, the KKKs, the Jenner girls, Tyga, Kanye West and a bunch of kids did a little staged photo-op in the parking lot of West Hills Church (not to be confused with that fake church PMK supposedly uses to dodge taxes). The truth is, I don’t know why anyone is clutching their rosaries over their outfits. First of all, it’s the Kartrashians. Do you expect anything less? Second of all, it’s just church! It’s not a sacred place like In-N-Out where you should always show up in your finest outfit. Third of all, I doubt they even stayed for the service.

After they did their photo-op, they got to the front door of the church and PMK jumped into the arms of her fabulous pucker-inducing boy toy. PMK will burst into flames if her hooves touch the floor of a holy place, so her boy toy carried her through the church to the backdoor. Once they left the church through the backdoor, they walked to a dumpster where a hidden elevator took them down to the basement. While in the basement, PMK did her annual virgin sacrifice to her maker Lucifer as everybody else took selfies. After the sacrifice, they took the elevator back up and left the church through the front door as though they attended Easter Sunday service.

And North West’s look of shame says everything that needs to be said.

Pics: Wenn.com