Just Call Her St. Porn Iguana: Courtney Stodden Will Donate Her Sex Tape Profits To Charity

/ May 11, 2015

Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.

If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.

Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.

But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!

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Bethenny Frankel Owes Her Ex-Husband Jason Hoppy A Ton Of Money

/ May 11, 2015

According to Radar, Bethenny Frankel’s ex-husband Jason Hoppy is currently doing the #getmoneybitch shuffle across the floors of Bethenny’s former dreamhouse, because a judge has ordered her to hand over $100,000 to him. Bethenny and Jason’s never-ending divorce drama is costing a ton of money, but court documents filed last week show that Jason had a “Help me, I’m poor” moment and a judge took pity on him. Apparently Jason makes a little over $100,000 a year as a drug company salesman (“Only $100,000” I whispered, as I squirted some Poverty’s Best™ ketchup-style sauce on a cracker and pretended it was a tapas-sized pizza), so the judge has ordered Bethenny to cover his attorney fees. Bethenny has until June 1st to pay Jason the $100,000 he owes his legal team. Radar says this is the second time Bethenny has paid for Jason’s lawyers.

But it doesn’t end there. On top of the $100,000 check Bethenny will slip in the mail to Jason’s attorneys, she also has been ordered to fork over $3,000 each month for temporary child support for their daughter Bryn, as well as 97% of their daughter’s $600-a-month school tuition and medical expenses.

And remember how I mentioned before that Jason was still living in their old apartment? The judge has ordered Bethenny to start paying $11,858.42 per month for “temporary maintenance“, which includes $1000 a month for utilities and $500 for housekeeping. Bethenny will only have to pay that money for 12 months or until they come to a decision on who gets the apartment. If you watch RHONY, then you know that Bethenny is currently “homeless“, aka she’s living in a hotel.

I might actually consider reading that self-help book Bethenny Frankel is holding in the picture above. I need to know how to avoid the type of relationship that ends with me backing a dump truck full of cash into my ex’s driveway. One, because I love money. Two, because I don’t have enough money to fill the back seat of a Power Wheels Jeep, let alone a dump truck.

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Selma Blair Will Play Pimp Mama Kris In American Crime Story

/ May 11, 2015

I guess a rubber leech in a matted down Liza wig wasn’t available.

So much for the rumor that reality whore Lisa Rinna is going to play the dark priestess of reality whores. If Selma Blair’s family walks in on her playing with a Ouija board while chanting to Satan, they don’t need to scream for a priest and douse with her holy water. There’s nothing to worry about. She’s just doing research by talking to Lucifer through the Ouija board about his apprentice’s earlier days. Deadline says that Selma has been cast as Pimp Mama Kris in Ryan Murphy’s American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson, which will air on FX next year.

Selma Blair as PMK just adds another level of WTF to the cast list which is already every layer of WTF. David Schwimmer is Robert Kardashian, John Travolta is Robert Shapiro, Sarah Paulson is Marcia Clark, Cuba Gooding Jr. is O.J. Simpson, Connie Britton is the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, Jordana Brewster is Denise Brown, Courtney B. Vance is Johnnie Cochran, Sterling K. Brown is Christopher Darden and Kenneth Choi is Judge Ito. They have yet to announce who’s going to play Kato Kaelin and Nicole Brown Simpson. Judging by the casting decisions so far, Nicole Brown Simpson will either be played by Jessica Lange or a blonde Angie Harmon. Kato Kaelin will either be played by Kato Kaelin in a Jennifer Aniston wig or a badly made Fabio wax figure.

This is actually pretty good casting. Selma kind of looks like a younger Pimp Mama Kris (“That is the meanest thing that anybody has EVER said to me” – Selma Blair) and if she wants to capture the true essence of PMK, all she has to do is wear money sign contact lenses and scream “Praise Satan!” every now and again.

I  know that American Crime Story is only going to focus on the O.J. Simpson trial, but I hope they’ll do a flashback episode where they’ll show the making of the video that plays in the elevator going to the Ninth Circle:

And here’s PMK with her latest victim Corey Gamble and Big Sean at Wango Tango in Carson, CA this past weekend.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Lindsay Lohan Is Completing Her Community Service At A Preschool In Brooklyn

/ May 11, 2015

Although if you’ve only done 9 hours and 45 minutes of the required 125, that would technically be considered starting and not completing, right? Then again, starting implies it will get finished, and we all know there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening. Regardless of what the correct word for whatever she’s doing is, the NY Daily News says that Lindsay Lohan will try to complete all those missing community service hours at a preschool in Brooklyn. A preschool. Take it away, Helen Lovejoy!

A “source” (a chardonnay-drunk Dina Lohan yelling into a Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone) says that Lindsay will be arriving in Brooklyn some time today and will begin her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Fort Greene on Tuesday. I’m sure that freckle-covered con artist is already working on her excuse to get out of it. “You didn’t say WHICH Tuesday! So long, suckers!” she cackles, as she boards a private jet bound for Fiji.

Lindsay has until May 28th to complete the remaining 115 hours of her community service. That works out to a little more than six-and-a-half hours every day for 17 days. I’m no Miss Cleo, but I’ve got a feeling my fingers will be typing the words “Lindsay Lohan claims she has a mysterious illness and can’t finish community service” sometime in the very near future.

Maybe that’s why LiLo chose to work at a preschool; she thought she could scam the system by listing her community service hours completed as “eleventy-hundred” and getting one of the 4-year-olds sign off on it. That, or the constant naps and juice.

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Farewell, American Idol

/ May 11, 2015

The show that gave us the rebirth of the Vicodin-infused jewel that is Paula Abdul and created an all-evil, Kartrashian-making Satanic monster out of a leprechaun with Sun-In highlights will end after 13 years and 15 seasons. The 22-year-old in me who used to watch that mess religiously and even voted several times (You can judge me since I judge myself for that!) is bawling like Paula Abdul when her pharmacist at CVS would say the words: No more refills!

FOX announced this morning that American Idol has been renewed for one last time. Its 15th season will be its last. JLo, Harry Connick Jr., Keith Urban and Ryan Seacrest will all be back. American Idol started writing its own death certificate a few years ago when Simon Cowell and his furry tit pies left it to do the American version of the X-Factor. American Idol’s current ratings aren’t even close to what they were during its glory days. FOX burped this statement today:

“American Idol will begin its 15th — and final — season this January on FOX. A season-long celebratory event, American Idol XV will feature host Ryan Seacrest and judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr., as they search for the final Idol superstar and pay tribute to the past 14 seasons of amazingly talented contestants and the millions of fans who tweeted, texted and championed their Idols.”

Why even bother searching for one last Idol? Just like all the other winners of the past few years, the final Idol will be lucky if they’re able to book a gig at the opening of a strip mall in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. For its final season, American Idol should bring back some of its best losers (Sanjaya, Tatiana Del Toro, the thorn in my ass lip Kristy Lee Cook, William Hung, Carmen Rasmusen, Kevin Covais, Jim Verraros, etc…) and let them battle it out. Or better yet, American Idol’s final season should be devoted to finding out whatever happened to Brian Dunkleman:

briandunklemenryanseacrest

(SPOILER ALERT: Brian Dunkleman exists and he’s spreading the truth on Twitter.)

And the final episode better feature a performance from American Idol’s greatest discovery: RHONETTA!

American Idol’s death would be in vain if Rhonetta and Paula Abdul don’t sing “Straight Up” together during the last show.

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Justin Bieber Performed His First Concert In Two Years On Saturday Night

/ May 11, 2015

Because Justin Bieber is basically the rich kid equivalent to a lazy 10-year-old who takes forever to clean his room, the fact that he hasn’t had a concert in two years should be surprising to absolutely no one. I’m sure Scooter Braun practically had to drag him the whole way there while Justin whined, “Noooooo, I don’t wanna! I got obnoxious rich kid stuff to do!” But by some miracle, Justin Bieber turned off his LeapPad, put down his sippy cup of Smirnoff Ice, and put on a Tiny Talent Time show at KIIS FM’s Wango Tango 2015 on Saturday night.

According to TMZ, Justin went on stage around 8:30pm (awwww, somebody got to stay up past his bedtime!) and Kanye West closed the show. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Kanye for having to share a stage with Lil’ Vanilla Ice, or the audience for having to sit through a double dose of douche. Actually, maybe not Kanye; sure he had to share at stage with Justin, but at least Justin never called his ass out for not writing his own songs, like some blonde pretty-in-the-face types did last week. Either way, I’m sure when he heard Justin was opening for him, his face did one of these.

Speaking of that audience, TMZ says that somewhere slithering among the masses was Pimp Mama Kris – who, thanks to all the Botox that has leeched into her brain, probably got Wango Tango confused with Cabo Wabo and was sad there were no all-you-can-chug Waboritas – and Justin’s maybe girlfriend Hailey Baldwin.

But Justin didn’t spend the whole weekend struggling to remember the choreography to “Boyfriend”; he also gave a shout out to the lady who made him on Instagram by posting a picture of his mom with the caption:

“If it wasn’t for this woman lets just say I would have had a way LONGER stupid phase. I love u and thank u for not giving up on me”

Of course I’d never give up on you, money…I mean, honey” replied Justin’s mom.

Here’s more of Justin looking, as always, like a possessed Rollerblade Dude doll going through a grunge phase on Saturday night:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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