Birthday Sluts

/ May 12, 2015

Gabriel Byrne (65)
Malcolm David Kelly (23)
Emily VanCamp (29)
Aaron Yoo (36)
Malin Ackerman (37)
Jason Biggs (37)
Mackenzie Astin (42)
Christian Campbell (43)
Jamie Luner (44)
Samantha Mathis (45)
Kim Fields (46)
Tony Hawk (47)
Catherine Tate (47)
Stephen Baldwin (49)
Deborah Kara Unger (49)
Carla Hall (51)
Vanessa “The One In Melrose Place” Williams (52)
Emilio Estevez (53)
Ving Rhames (56)
Billy Squier (65)
Steve Winwood (67)
Linda Dano (72)
Burt Bacharach (87)
Yogi Berra (90)

Pic: Lorimar Films

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Night Crumbs

/ May 11, 2015

Prince Hot Ginge is ready to make babies right now. What a coincidence! I am ready to make babies right now too AND I’m ovulating. Let’s do this for our motherland, PHG! (Psst, don’t tell PHG that I’m not ready to make babies, I can’t make babies, I’m not ovulating and England isn’t my motherland.)  – Lainey Gossip 

This sucio dude porked a Porsche in broad daylight. I don’t know if I can say shit, because he’s getting more than I am – Drunken Stepfather

Beyonce isn’t a vegan. Well duh! A vegan wouldn’t chop off a horse’s tail and wear it to the Met Gala – Celebitchy

Nice try, Marilyn Manson, but you’re like 25 years too old for MadgeThe Superficial 

Sean Hayes and his husband lip-synch for their mamas. If they’re going to keep doing these videos, they need to up the budget, because that ginger wig is every kind of dreadful  – Towleroad

Taylor Swift took one of her semi-famous girl pets for a walk – Popoholic

Pro tip: Don’t try to eat like The Rock unless you want to break your toilet – Jezebel

Tom Brady was suspended for 4 games because of Deflate-Gate. He probably pretended to look mad on the outside when he found out, but he was secretly squeeing on the inside, because now he gets to spend more time on the slide. Weeeeee! – Popsugar

This is why the memaws cry tonight: CSI got canceled! – HuffPo

This picture of a hot piece from Made In Chelsea getting a foot job is an oldie, but a goodie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give myself a slap job to the face for typing “oldie, but a goodie” – OMG Blog

Jason Biggs and his mother-in-law have such a close and loving relationship… – SOW

Hot pieces and pussies alert! – The Berry 

Julianne Marguiles and Archie Panjabi may hate each other so much that they can’t stand to film a scene together – Pajiba

Wait, I thought Jake Gyllenhaal was supposed to be with Rachel McAdams?! Oh, Jakey, you beard juggler, you – Just Jared

And here’s more of Margot Robbie looking like a raver lot lizard in Suicide Squad Hollywood Tuna 

Pic: Getty

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Shirley Andrews Is April’s Hot Slut Of The Month!

/ May 11, 2015

Just like she did in Granny Gang Bang 7 (I made that title up, but it’s probably real), Shirley Andrews beat off three other tricks and took the title of Hot Slut of the Month. The 80-year-old porn star and inspiration who has boned more than 1,000 dudes and goes by the porn name Sandra Ann easily took the HSOTM crown over Pazazz, Thrifty’s Chocolate Malted Krunch ice cream and Queen Gina from The Real Housewives of Melbourne.

Shirley got 45.7% of the votes, Thrifty’s Chocolate Malted Krunch ice cream got 22.61%, Queen Gina got 16.02% and Pazazz got 15.67%. Shirley is now the reigning HSOTM Queen and will go to the Hot Slut of the Year finals next year. If she wins, I hope she’ll get “Hot Slut of the Year” tattooed on her other tit.

Thanks to all of you who voted!

On a different note, am I still drunk and stoned from yesterday or do her bangs look like a hairy chocha if you look at them while tilting your head to the side? Still drunk and stoned, you say? Okay, just wanted to make sure.

Pic: 50PlusMILFs

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The Hell Did They Do To Jem And The Holograms?

/ May 11, 2015

To paraphrase Squeak from The Color Purple: Harpo, who dis Jem?

When Jon M. Chu announced a year ago that he was doing a Jem and the Holograms movie, I threw a slight double side-eye of concern at the news, because he said he had planned to bring it into modern day. But I figured that there’s no way he can make a Jem movie without dipping her in neon pink paint before rolling her around in rainbow glitter. The slight double side-eye of concern became a full double side-eye of concern when Layla Grant from Nashville was cast as Jem and they released a poster that looked very un-Jem-like. Well, I’m not making a full double-side eye of concern anymore. I am widening my eyes like a crazy person while screaming NO NO NO NO NOOOO!

Over the weekend, a stream of new promo pictures were burped up. We also learned that this butchery of our childhoods is coming out on October 23rd. A synopsis was also released and on the truly outrageous scale, this movie looks like it’s not even a 1. Jem is truly, truly meh.

As a small-town girl catapults from underground video sensation to global superstar, she and her three sisters begin a one-in-a-million journey of discovering that some talents are too special to keep hidden. In Universal Pictures’ JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS, four aspiring musicians will take the world by storm when they see that the key to creating your own destiny lies in finding your own voice.

So Jem is a YouTube star?! The fuck? Why didn’t Jon M. Chu just slash our childhoods in the face while eating a lemon and then spit in the open wounds? It would’ve stung less.

To recap: The movie doesn’t take place in the 80s, it doesn’t have The Misfits or Syngery in it and they’ve made Jem and the Holograms look like basics who wear UGGs in the winter, know the Starbucks secret menu by heart and dye their hair totally crazy colors like pink when they go to Coachella. It’s like Jem and the Holograms brought to you by ABC Family. I’m about to make a star earring out of paper and a pink marker so I can grab it while asking, “Why, Synergy, whyyyy?!”

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Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke Serving Up Some “Excuse My Beauty” In Beverly Hills

/ May 11, 2015

The Cities of Beverly Hills and West Hollywood recently banned Mickey Rourke* from wearing his signature, taint-hugging Spandex leggings, because their hospitals could no longer fit all the hos whose pussies fell out and whose heads nearly cracked opened when they hit the concrete after fainting from seeing this plastic pillar of raw sexiness. So during a little shopping trip to Beverly Hills over the weekend, Mickey decided to keep the Spandex leggings at home and instead he strut the streets in some sensible khakis, a demure v-neck that I’m sure is the exact shade of peach as his no-no lips and a Louis Vuitton clutch for him to swat the desperate whores who themselves at his feet.

Mickey Rourke’s face is looking smoother than a Reborn Doll’s butt and that may or may not be because The Property Brothers recently did some renovation work on his mug. But the real star of these pictures is his hair. That hair is both edgy and sophisticated. It’s the hair a grandma would get if she opened up an art gallery in the 80s. That hair is giving me flock of seagulls. No, I don’t mean the band. I mean it looks like an actual flock of seagulls. But Mickey’s hairstyle is making everyone sing, “And I raaaaaaaan…to the nearest salon to get this look.

Pics: Splash

* No, they didn’t.

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Kristin Cavallari Is Pregnant With Her Third Kid

/ May 11, 2015

Totally off topic, but why are there so many patches of burnt grass around her feet? Did she take her pregnancy tests on the lawn? That’s got to be it. Former reality TV person and current vaccination specialist Kristin Cavallari is knocked-up with her third kid. Kristin announced her pregnancy by releasing the picture above via the Kristin Cavallari iPhone app (yes, that’s a thing that exists) with the following caption:

“We’re at it again! Thrilled to announce baby number 3 is on the way! The cutler crew just keeps on growin”

Kristin and her professional ball-wrangling husband Jay Cutler already have two sons: a 2-year-old named Camden and a 12-month-old named Jaxon. If only Jay worked as hard on the field as his sperm does in his wife, am I right everyone who gets football references? Don’t worry, I barely got it either.

I’m not good at math, but I think this means Kristin Cavallari will have had 3 kids in 3 years, right? Damn, that’s some Duggar speed! Watch out, Michelle Duggar; if Kristin keeps this up, she’s only 16 years and an industrial-sized drum of LA Looks hair gel away from snatching your crown.

No word on when she’s due or if she’s expecting a boy or a girl, but if her first two kids are any indication, I’m going to guess it will be a boy and she will name it either Kaiden or Bentlee. And then when her three boys get old enough, they can move to Southern California, open up a beach-side fried seafood restaurant, and star in an MTV reality show called Crispy Cavallari. I would totally watch that.

Pic: Kristin Cavallari

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