No.

No. No.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

After posting about the unholy and soul-killing pictures from the Jem and the Holograms movie, I wrote my local congressperson a letter saying that if it’s a felony to destroy a national monument, then destroying Jem should send a trick to death row! Now that I’ve seen the even more unholy trailer, I’m sending that letter, because this shit has viciously murdered childhoods. If I painted my asshole pink and stuck a star earring in it, it would be more like Jem than this damn movie.

They’ve sucked out all the glamour, glitter, fashion and fame. It’s like ordering a fizzy grapefruit martini with a pink rock candy garnish and getting a glass of tap water with a splash of piss in it instead. This trailer makes the Jem movie look like a less edgy Hannah Montana reboot on Lifetime. “But Michael, Hannah Montana is about as edgy as a daffodil.”EXACTLY! Why even call this mess Jem?!

They transformed Jem into a Disneyfied Kesha. This is what I get for laughing at the nerds. Every time a trailer for a shitty superhero movie comes out and the nerds cry while screaming “Sacrilege!” I point, laugh and say, “Ha! Ha! Stupid melodramatic nerds!” And now it’s happened to me. Karma is a shitty trailer for a butchered piece of my childhood. Screw this, I’m going to go and drown my sorrows in Jiz.

Sarah Jessica Parker sort of kind of teased that a Sex and the Retirement Community 1 Sex and the City 3 movie was happening, but Warner Bros. pretty much shat on that rumor by saying that a third one isn’t in the works. Besides, if there were talks for a SATC3 movie, we’d definitely know it. Every Razzie voting member would immediately turn in their membership, because their tolerance for watching dried cinematic turds stops at another SATC movie – Lainey Gossip 

Jay-Z apparently bought Beyonce one of the dragon eggs from Game of Thrones. Dragon eggs aren’t vegan! Fraudyonce strikes again. – Celebitchy

This is supposedly a picture of Bradley Cooper kissing Irina Shayk, but it’s so blurry and busted that it could really be a picture of Steven Tyler kissing Rosie O’Donnell for all we know – Drunken Stepfather

“Close ya legs to married men!” – NeNe Leakes to Kenya Moore – Reality Tea 

During her day, Jane Fonda was the “it” beard that every famous gay guy wanted – Towleroad

Behold, the pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer as a slutty Nerf Super Soaker and no, I don’t want to see how far she can squirt – Hollywood Tuna

Why, hello there, way-too-clothed bodyguard behind Taylor Swift – Popoholic

Living the life: This pooch is – The Berry

For some strange reason, Nina Dobrev didn’t say, “Fuck those slags, they’ll be divorced in a year,” when asked about Ian Somerhalder’s new marriage – HuffPo

Go ahead and add “shit” right under “temporary fillers” on the list of things that Kylie Jenner is full of – WWTDD

British footballer peen alert! – (NSFW) OMG Blog

And somewhere, there’s an extra sad Scottish golfer missing his hat… – Just Jared

Luna Lovegood and James Potter from the Harry Potter movies are a thing – Popsugar

Something tells me that the Emmys will have to add the category Best Dramatic Bitch Meltdown In A Reality Shit Show after Vicki’s collapse in The Real Housewives of Orange County airs – Jezebel

Jean-Claude Van Douche can still lay down the hot moves – SOW

Now it’s time to check into the douchebag nursery… Yup, Justin Bieber is still trying to convince us that he’s not an asshole by spanking himself again – ICYDK

Pic: Splash

The “What is my life?” face the referee in the middle is making says everything you need to know about this clip.

And I thought making a bunch of drunk messes fight over a douchebag in a game show was cruel and unusual punishment (Note: I’m not sure if it’s cruel and unusual punishment for the drunk messes or the douchebag), but Japan has proved me wrong once again. The NYDN says that during an episode of the Japanese game show AKBingo, which stars the Japanese idol girl group AKB48, two chicks had to try to blow a cicada into the other one’s mouth. The look of grossness on their faces is probably the same look of grossness that Amber Heard makes when she puts her mouth on Johnny Depp’s peen and an entire Velveeta factory gets stuck to the roof of her mouth.

Apparently, the episode started with AKB48 playing a game of dodgeball. The members who got hit the most had to play a “penalty.” One of the penalties involved this disgusting shit. Eventually, one of them loses and pays the price. This messy ass clip is like the fucked-up spawn of Double Dare and Fear Factor:

Stay tuned, because I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I post a clip from a Japanese game show of two straight dudes trying to blow a baby scorpion into each other’s mouth as they sing karaoke while getting blown by a gay guy.

E! News says that after tons of on-again off-again business (some of it real, some of it maybe cooked up for that Cougar Next Door movie), Jennifer Lopez is back together with Casper Smart. “Good for him!” shouted every aspiring gold digger and kept man, as they popped a celebratory bottle of Baby Duck in his honor.

For the past couple months, it was rumored that JLo let Sid from Toy Story‘s next of kin creep back into her life, but they both kept their lips sealed and wouldn’t say whether they were humping again or not. I know, it was keeping me awake at night too. But it sounds you’ll no longer find Casper’s profile on SugarMatch.com, because E! News has “learned” that they’re officially a couple again. JLo went ahead and pretty much confirmed the news herself by posting this super low-res picture (seriously JLo, get it together) of Casper to Instagram yesterday.

For those of you who need a translation of that caption, “#MCM” means Man Crush Monday, “#lovethispic” means JLo might be legally blind (honestly, its like 72 dpi), and “#HandsomeBear” means JLo should consider watching a couple episodes of Kratts’ Creatures, because if anything, Casper looks more like a #HandsomeBostonTerrier.

I know I should probably be side-eying both of these two for doing the lazy thing and getting back together, but the shameless whore in me couldn’t be any happier for them. Casper is getting that cash and JLo is getting that 28-year-old ass. Congrats, you two!

The youngest possumling of the Cyrus family, Noah Cyrus (aka the pole dancing child that everyone called CPS over), dribbled out an emotional Instagram post the other day over the INJUSTICE that her and Miley Cyrus’ older brother Trace Cyrus got slapped with while trying to eat at a restaurant in Kentucky. The restaurant said “neigh” when Trace stomped on in. I guess that restaurant is firmly on Team Brenda Song. And I can hear your, “That restaurant just didn’t want to get complaints from customers after Trace chewed on their hair and coats while waiting for his food” jokes from here.

Noah probably noah’s a thing or two (I’m not proud of myself for that) about INJUSTICE, because I’m sure she’s been kicked out of clubs for being underage while trying to party with Miley. Noah is not going to stand by and let that tattoo-shaming restaurant deny her kin service just because his body is covered in more ink than a sixth grader’s paper bag book cover. Noah spit at those wrong tattoo haters on Instagram.

A restaurant in Kentucky wouldn’t let my brother in because he has tattoos. That is so messed up and it really pisses me off that it’s even legal to do such a thing. The way I see it is he is completely made of art and if they knew him on the inside then they would know thats the truth. I love my brother and it brings me to tears to know someone would do that to him or anyone for that matter. So sad. I love you tracey and you’ve got a team supporting you.

Noah didn’t name names, but Trace did. The tattooed emo pony raged at that restaurant on Instagram:

Fuck Brothers in Newport KY!!!! Been all around the world and never had anyone deny me getting into anywhere because of my tattoos. It actually upset me because I’m from Kentucky and to see an establishment like this really shocked me…

He also Instagrammed the restaurant’s telephone number and told all of his followers to tell the manager off.

The restaurant that kicked Trace out isn’t a fine dining establishment like the Olive Garden or some shit, so I don’t know why they got super snobby over someone’s appearance. Even then, the Olive Garden lets me eat there, so they’ll obviously serve anyone. Miley Cyrus should buy that Kentucky restaurant and let people with tattoos and pink pubes eat for free. But is there more to this story? Was Billy Ray Cyrus with them? Because if he was, maybe the restaurant didn’t deny the family service because of Trace’s tattoos. Maybe they denied them service, because they knew the health department would shut them down if they let that roadkill on Billy Ray’s head in.

Here’s Noah and Billy Ray at some event in L.A. last month.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Some people get nauseous on planes, others get sick in the car. Personally, I get a strong case of the heaves every time someone dims the lights and starts shamelessly word jerking off their boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to grab a paper bag before you continue reading, because Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield’s words about each other will make you feel all sorts of barfy.

Despite the fact that they might be done with each other, Emma Stone is still talking about Andrew Garfield, and not in the “Him? NEXT QUESTION” way. During a recent interview with Diane Keaton for Interview magazine, Emma was asked about a quote from Andrew where he described working with Emma as being “like diving into a thrilling, twisting river and never holding on to the sides…Spontaneous. In the moment. Present. Terrifying. Vital. The only way acting with someone should be.” First of all, EW. But second of all, double EW at Emma’s response:

“He is such a poet. [laughs] But that’s the way he writes in general. So I hear it and of course my heart swells up. And I also know that he writes things like that on a daily basis. Yes, he does. He’s so poetic.”

George Clooney just whipped out a pad of paper and started taking notes.

The closest I’ve ever come to being called poetic was the time a dude told me I smelled like a used book store, so part of me is a little jealous of the way Emma is talking about Andrew. But the other part of me is like, good god girl, get a grip – he compared you a river. Not to mention it sounded a little Twilight-y, which I believe would technically classify it as ‘pooetic’.

Speaking of poetic, here’s Emma giving 8 layers of ARTSY EMOTION for Interview: