Prince Hot Ginge Got Knighted For Being Nice To His Memaw

/ June 5, 2015

When you’re just a regular peasant like 99% of us here, you may have gotten a caramel square, a butterscotch hard candy, some quarters to buy a Pink Panther ice cream bar from the paleta man or a look that says, “You’re safe from the chancla this time,” from your abuelita when you didn’t act a mess and kept quiet during her telenovela-watching time. But when you’re a fancy British royal who was lucky enough to swim out of a prince’s dick slit and jam yourself into a princess’ egg, you get an actual medal for being nice to your grandma. Not just a gold star sticker, a damn medal.

The BBC says that THE QUEEN made Prince Hot Ginge a Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order during a private ceremony at the palace. PHG got the knighthood for his “service to the sovereign.” In other words, he got that shit for doing something all of us should do. In other words, PHG gets awards for being PHG. That’s the way it should be. Some source (probably one of the more gossipy Corgis) tells The Telegraph that PHG was proud of getting a title for being nice to Nana Liz.

A royal source said Prince Harry, 30, was “proud and pleased” to receive the honour, adding: “It is very significant for him personally.”

Note to self: Make sure to scream out “Sir Prince Hot Ginge” instead of just “Prince Hot Ginge” during my wet dream fantasies. Must remain respectful of the royals and their titles at all times!

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Chris Pratt Says He Couldn’t Get Boners When He Was Chunkier

/ June 5, 2015

Don’t worry – there’s a whole mess of Chris Pratt working that buff DILF realness later on. But for now, let us once again enjoy the memory of formerly-fat Chris Pratt’s delicious Orange Crème Marshmallow Peep body stuffed into a junk-hugging stars-and-stripes Speedo. Fun fact about that junk: according to Chris Pratt, it was pretty much in sleep-mode the whole time.

During an interview with Men’s Health UK (via People), America’s Current Sweetheart admitted that after going back and forth between fat and jacked several times, he realized that jacked might be better for his health. And also his boner worked better when it wasn’t being suffocated by his adorable FUPA.

“I’d gone back and forth, lost weight for Moneyball, got fat again, then trimmed down for Zero Dark Thirty, then gained it all back again for Andy [Parks & Recreation]. That’s when I saw Zero Dark Thirty and right after walking out I was like: ‘I’m going to get in shape and I’m never going to be fat again.’ I was impotent, fatigued, emotionally depressed. I had real health issues that were affecting me in a major way. It’s bad for your heart, your skin, your system, your spirit.”

That is SUCH a Catch-22 situation for someone who gets the horn-horns for a pillow body. On the one hand, you get a soft, snuggly Chris Pratt, but his dick is as active as a lump of raw Pillsbury crescent dough. On the other hand, you get a working weiner, but it’s attached to a dude who feels like a trash bag filled with hammers. I guess I’d have to pick fat Chris, but only because I need someone who won’t get mad when I rip into a bag of ketchup chips while watching TV in bed.

And as promised, here’s a ripped Chris Pratt looking all kinds of top heavy in Men’s Health.

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Open Post And Quick Programming Note: Hosted By The Ginger Tunnel To Heaven

/ June 5, 2015

I was on “standby” for jury duty this week and every time I called in, the automated voice told me that I didn’t have to drag my ass in. When the automated voice told me on Wednesday night, I didn’t have to come in on Thursday, I thought I was home free. Why would they call me in on a Friday? Don’t the judges take off early on Friday so they spend the afternoon sipping the tears of the criminals they convict by their pool? I jinxed myself, because they called me in. I have jury duty today and if they call me in for a case, I already plan to get out of it by saying, “Before you start asking me questions, I just want to let you know that I watched 3 episodes of Shahs of Sunset last night SOBER.” The judge will have no choice but to immediately dismiss me since I’m obviously not right of mind and not good at making decisions. Actually, maybe I won’t say that, because if I do, there’s a good chance the judge will drop a 5150 on my ass.

Anyway, so that’s why this Open Post is up earlier than usual. The courthouse has WiFi, apparently, so hopefully I’ll be able to throw some shit up today. Also, Allison is posting today. For now, I leave you with these scalding hot pictures of gorgeousness of the ginger poultry supermodel blossom Phoebe Price (who is dressed up like some kind of bondage ringmaster vampire) showing every model, past, present and future how it’s done while doing a photo shoot for French Vogue’s September issue on the steps of the Louvre in Paris. No, she’s posing for the paps at Sham Ibrahim’s art exhibit in Hollywood last night. Same thing, right?

Pics: Splash

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Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks It’s “Slightly Misogynistic” To Compare GOOP To Other Actresses’ Lifestyle Websites

/ June 5, 2015

That’s a “Hush, peasants – Goopy is speaking” hand if I’ve ever seen one.

I know it’s going to seem like you’ve already heard this story once this week, but trust me – this story about a wealthy out-of-touch blonde actress-type complaining about her online lifestyle website is totally different, I swear. The Countess of Corn Brooms Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to TIME about the rich lady lifestyle website that has launched a million eye-rolls, GOOP.com. And even though there are a bunch more lifestyle websites by famous actresses out there now, Gwyneth isn’t here for the endless comparisons to GOOP. Pay attention, poors – Goopy wants you to stop comparing GOOP to Blake Lively’s Preserve and Reese Witherspoon’s Draper James., because it’s rude and “slightly misogynistic” and they’re totally different websites, you guys!

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ June 5, 2015

Today is the most important American holiday of all American holidays (in my head and probably Chris Christie’s head). It’s National Donut Day! It’s the day we show our appreciation for the deep fried circle of lie by swallowing it, bathing in it, fucking it, marrying it, exfoliating with it, brushing our teeth with it, etc.. etc!

And in honor of this extremely important holiday, today’s HSOTD is Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal from the 80s, which I don’t think I’ve ever eaten. Dunkin’ Donuts didn’t exist in California in the 80s, so I knew the cereal before I knew there were actual Dunkin’ Donuts stores. A box of Dunkin’ Donuts cereal was filled with two bags. One bag had tiny, crunchy glazed donuts in it and the other had tiny, crunchy chocolate donuts in it. You could fill your mouth with the best of both worlds.  A sadness covers my soul when I tell myself that I’ll never ever be able to eat Dunkin’ Donuts cereal. But I guess I can sort of get the sensation of eating it by filling my mouth hole with Cheerios, Hershey’s powder and a bag of sugar at the same time.

Here’s the commercial starring Fred the Baker (RIP):

I’m not sure if I’m alone in this, but every time I watch him say “time to make the donuts,” I take it as a euphemism. Happy National Donut Day!

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