But probably not!

When you hire JLo to perform at your event, you should  know that you’re going to get a whole lot of rhinestone-embedded ass and enough thrusting 45-year-old coochie to fill several cougar parties. It wouldn’t be a JLo show unless you left with bruised eyeballs from her bouncing ass and bruised eardrums from her live singing. But well some “educational group” in Morocco must not have heard of JLo before (How very Mimi of them), because they are suing her for tainting the eyes of the innocent with her devilry wimmun’ parts while performing at a show in Rabat, Morocco’s capital.

JLo performed at the Mawazine World Rhythms International Music Festival on May 29th and she did what JLo does. The New York Daily News says that many people, including that unnamed educational group, are highly offended and have called for the resignation of Morocco’s minister of communications for allowing that unholy ho shit to air on public TV. The minister isn’t going to resign, but is meeting with the “ethics committee,” because he doesn’t think it was right for JLo’s ass to grace Moroccan TV screens. JLo has performed in Morocco before, but this is the first time her show has been aired on Moroccan TV.

The “unnamed educational group” is also suing the promoter. In their lawsuit, the educational group states that JLo “disturbed public order and tarnished women’s honor and respect.” Disturbed public order? Oh, so I guess she did sing live. If JLo is found guilty, which she won’t be, she could be thrown into prison for 1 month to 2 years.

TMZ posted some clips of JLo scooting skid marks of sin on the pure eyes of Morocco:

Somewhere, Mariah Carey is currently taking online courses to become a judge in Morocco so that she can get I Don’t Know Her’s case and lock that trick up FOREVER!

Here’s the future Morocco jail bird filming scenes for her new TV show Shades of Blue in L.A. on Friday.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Chet Haze (government name: Chester Hanks), trust fund son of America’s original sweetheart Tom Hanks and lover of the N-word, is finally getting himself some for real street cred and now whenever you see him, you can say, “Oh shit, we got a badass over here,” and not in an ironic way. The Daily Mirror (aka The second most reliable literary journal of truth in Britain. The Daily Mail being the first. Duh!) claims that the humanization of Vanilla Ice’s butt plug is wanted by the police in Britain for allegedly fucking up an airport hotel room in a drunken rage after some chicks refused to do him. Can’t no one tell Chet Haze he can’t break a hotel room mirror like the true gangsta he is.

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FurReal Friends My Bouncin’ Kitty, the demonic pussy toy that should come complete with a gallon of holy water and a priest who specializes in stuffed animal exorcisms.

This is why you should never trust a stuffed robotic pussy who wears 50 cent swap meet fake eyelashes and way too much clumpy mascara and liquid eyeliner. My Bouncin’ Kitty (not to be confused with her sister My Twerkin’ Pussy) is a toy that looks all sweet and nice on the outside, but when you pet her, she coos and meows, and her coos and meows quickly turn into some Regan from The Exorcist shit. If you could play her dark-sided meows backwards, you’d probably hear her clearly say, “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”

Pull out your rosary, grab your crucifix and get ready to say, “I rebuke thee in the name of HAY-SOOS!”

Demon Pussy Toy has reminded me of two things: 1) True evil lives on toy shelves and; 2) I must have looked a mess while whipping my head around whenever that goddamn “Whip My Hair” song played at the bar.

My Bouncin’ Kitty has been around for a while, so of course, she’s been remixed.

via Buzzfeed (For Rachel)

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Bill Hader (37)
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Prince (57)
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On Friday, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon made an appearance at Walmart’s annual shareholders meeting in Fayetteville, AR, because a check truly is a check. NO! I’m sure she did it because there’s literally nothing more patriotic for an AMERICAN CITIZEN than getting invited to a Walmart shareholders meeting. I was hoping Reese was there to introduce a new line of Walmart garden mix called American Soil™, but she was actually there to teach a Walmart employee the Bend and Snap from Legally Blonde. Reese pulled the Bend and Snap out of retirement and she gave it a bit of a 5-minute facelift; instead of the Bend and Snap, she made it the Bend and Snap and Stock. So now Walmart employees can throw a casual lil’ flirt your way while they fill an endcap full of Pop-Tarts and diapers.

And Reese wasn’t the only celebrity at the Walmart shareholders meeting on Friday. According to UsWeekly, Carol Burnett, Rod Stewart, Brian McKnight, Drew Barrymore, and Mariah Carey were also there. That’s a lot of talent, but really – they could have saved themselves some rollback pennies by cutting everyone and replacing them with Walmart’s unofficial princess, Britney Spears. She could have been the warm-up, the host, the musical performance, the mid-meeting comedy act, AND she would have done it all for a 12-pack of Diet Dr. Thunder and the trampoline attached to the outside wall of the store.

“What is this thing? Is it food? Is it a toy? Why am I holding it? Is this what a baby corgi is? It’s not going to take my crown, is it? I’ve got my eye on you, soft baby corgi thing.”

Earlier today, Prince William and Duchess Kate released the first official portrait of five-week-old Baby Princess Charlotte. Thanks to the fourteen billion cameras waiting outside the Lindo Wing on the day she was born, we already sort of knew what she looked like. Well, now we know what she looks like when she’s awake and being snuggled on by her big brother Toddler Prince George. All together now: “AWWWWWWWWWWW.”

Shortly after Kensington Palace tweeted the first shot of BPC and TPG, they tweeted that the pictures were taken by Duchess Kate in mid-May, so that means Baby Princess Charlotte is still a pretty new baby. But she’s already very adorable, and that has me all kinds of jealous. Not too long ago, I was looking at baby pictures of myself, and I looked like a cooked cocktail shrimp until I hit the 3-month mark. BPC is lucky – she’ll never look back at her baby pictures and think “Why do I look like I’m about to be dipped in some zesty ketchup sauce?”

Kensington Palace also released a couple extra pics of BPC and TPG being adorable with each other, which is very generous of them, but there’s a crucial element of cute missing. Where’s Lupo the doggie?!? These pictures of BPC and TPG are nothing without Lupo trying to give his tiny humans slobbery doggie kisses.

Pics: Twitter