That poor pig. I’m sure that when he left the farm all those years ago on a bus headed for the big city in hopes of becoming a pig model, he had no idea that one day he’d end up doing something so degrading as letting Miley Cyrus rub her nasty naked hillbilly bits against his body on the cover of a magazine. No, that’s actually not a poor pig who decided a check is a check. It’s actually Miley’s pet piggie Bubba Sue who decided to join her adopted mama on the cover of Paper magazine’s summer music issue. Fun fact: this marks the second time a giant ham has been on the cover of Paper magazine. The full interview comes out tomorrow, but they released this quote today:

“I was doing a show two nights ago, and I was wearing butterfly nipple pasties and butterfly wings. I’m standing there with my tits out, dressed like a butterfly. How the fuck is that fair? How am I so lucky?”

It’s true; Miley is lucky. There’s a chick who spins fire in the park near my house every Sunday in that exact same outfit, and her audience is limited to a dude with a set of devil sticks and a squirrel.

But back to that cover. Why do I get the feeling this wasn’t even what Paper had planned for the cover. I bet they probably had a giant bin of inflatable joints and a whole rack of gas station skank couture waiting for Miley to wear that they never got a chance to use because she showed up covered in mud with a pig under her arm and demanded to be shot as is. “Hey y’all, let’s git this picture shoot started, cause me and Bubba Sue got a monster truck rally at 3pm. The first 100 people in line get a free autograph on their titties from Count Truckula himself!“

Last night, Good Morning America got the Beyhive in pre-frenzy mode when they announced on Twitter that on Monday morning Beyonce was going to make a big announcement that everyone will love. They all wondered what could it be?! Will Beyonce announce that she’s running for president as a Beyocrat? Will Beyonce announce that instead of doing a world tour, she’s going to do a 6-week residency on Tidal’s streaming service and yes, tickets will still be $500 each? Will Beyonce announce that she’s bringing her Tempur-Pedic baby bump out of retirement? What is it????! So, the Beyhive got up early today, polished their stingers and prepared to lose their minds, but when Beyonce’s big announcement was revealed, dicks went soft and balls turned blue. Beyonce’s big announcement was about as interesting as a vegan’s broccoli-induced butt burp.

Beyonce’s big announcement wasn’t even an announcement. Beyonce just wanted to talk about being a sometime vegan for the 1,345,985th time. By now, every single living thing on this planet knows that Beyonce and Jay-Z went vegan for 3 weeks, because she won’t stop shitting up at the mouth about it. Beyonce went on GMA to whore out Marco Borges’ 22-day vegan diet, which she’s whored out before. Beyonce even wrote the foreword for his book The 22-Day Revolution. Beyonce’s big appearance was beysically an informercial.

Yes, Beyonce is that insufferable friend who talks about being a vegan once and goes on and on about how much it changed their life. But instead of doing it in a Facebook status, she does it in a “special announcement” on Good Morning America.

Beyonce didn’t even go into Good Morning America’s studios for this shit! She just rolled out of bed, went to her rooftop and shot the pre-taped piece while she had 5 minutes to spare. This is some “I will film some non-announcement on a rooftop and hos will call in sick to work to watch it” shit. I bet right after Beyonce burped up how great being a vegan is, her personal drone delivered the Double-Double her assistant ordered from an In-N-Out in Austin, TX and her stylist asked her if she wants to wear the rhino leather jumpsuit or the red panda fur culottes.

And the Beyhive was mad at their God for a second:

Beyoncé: I have an announcement Hive: OMFG A TOUR???? ALBUM?????? Beyoncé: Y'all fat lol

— mer. (@theonewithbey) June 8, 2015

But I’m sure they have already forgiven her and will get up early next week when Beyonce announces on Today that she took a shit.

Diplo, Katy Perry’s mouthy ex-boyfriend and public enemy no. 1 to the Taylor Swift fan club, has once again opened his mouth and taken a verbal dump on someone, this time on fellow iTunes jockey Zedd for being a money-chasing fake. That’s right, a grown-ass 36-year-old DJ who used to date someone famous is dragging a 25-year-old DJ because he’s pretending to date someone famous. Ah, what a time to be alive!

During an interview with Radio.com (via The Daily Mail), Diplo pulled out his Burn Book, turned to the page marked “Zedd is a grotsky little beyotch” and started spitting hot hate about Zedd and his maybe-girlfriend Selena Gomez. Several months ago, Zedd and Selena started working together, which lead to their genitals working together. Or at least that’s what they let people believe. According to Diplo, maybe-dating a famous toddler-faced chanteuse for publicity has landed Zedd a one-way ticket aboard the Sellout Express.

“I’m actually not enemies with Zedd by any means. I just think that he came from such a cool place, and now he’s been pegged as a money-maker for a major label to do EDM, which to me isn’t even a genre. But they’ve pegged him for that, they’ve marketed him, even the fake relationship with Selena Gomez, all the things to sell records took away from the music.”

Since Diplo is clearly a bitchy 13-year-old girl trapped in the body of a 36-year-old man, I’m curious as to who he’s going to come for next. I’m sure that somewhere in the only cat-free room of Taylor Swift’s Candy Cane Castle, Calvin Harris has just lit his Our Lady of Perpetual Button-Pushing DJ candle and started praying that Diplo doesn’t drag him into this whole “professional iTunes jockeys who date celebrities for publicity” mess.

Pic: Instagram

Passengers on an easyJet flight that landed at London Luton airport overdosed on potent amounts of elegance, class and gentility yesterday when they watched a 41-year-old supermodel call the pilot a “basic bitch” as her drunk ass was dragged off of the plane for screaming about wanting a damn drink and pouring herself her own drink from a bottle of vodka she had in her luggage. One passenger was overheard saying, “It’s like I’m in an episode of Downton Fucking Abbey,” while watching Kate Moss bust into a vodka rage before getting kicked off of a budget airline.

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Even though Mariah Carey’s travel-size equivalent Ariana Grande ended her 8-month long relationship with Big Sean more than seven weeks ago, people are still asking Ariana Grande about Big Sean and she is NOT having any of it. So much so that on Sunday, she hissed at one of her assistants/carriers to grab a pen and “Take a fucking memo” (I’m assuming) and tweeted a long-ass feminist-flavored rant bout not belonging to anyone and not being Big Sean’s “property.”

Before today, I never would have guessed that very sexy baby (copyright: 30 Rock) Ariana Grande would pull out a quote by Gloria Steinem in a Twitter rant about sluts vs. studs, but here we are. It’s like she listened to Christina Aguilera’s “Can’t Hold Us Down” for the first time this weekend while shopping for new ponytails, then rushed off to the library to check out as many books on women’s studies as her library card would allow. With that being said, Ariana Grande many thoughts on the subject, so prepare yourself for a whole lot of reading.

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Watch me bend it like Beckham. – daisy100

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Dude! When you said you got cut I thought you meant they threw you off the team. – Harveyrabbit

“You try it”
“I’m not gonna try it.”
“Let’s get Mikey! He’ll try anything!” – Vernicious

(Thanks Rob)