“Quitter!” just hissed Tan Mom, as she smeared a layer of Crisco onto her skin, stuffed a handful of cornbread stuffing up her ass, and slid herself into a 425-degree oven for the next 6 hours.

America’s unofficial cultural suntanning attaché to Cabo Jennifer Aniston recently admitted to People that her days of laying out in the sun until her skin resembles that of the dust on a Nacho Cheese Dorito are over. And the Candy Finnigans of the world better watch out, because SPF 50’s former arch enemy says she held her own intervention.

“I gave myself a sun-tanning intervention a few years ago, where I was basically saying, ‘Let’s just quit while we’re ahead.’ I was not great as a kid with sunscreen. That’s one of my big regrets.”

I just pictured a tan-desperate Jennifer Aniston driving past a strip mall tanning salon called U-FRY 4 LESS, walking in, slapping a crumpled $20 bill on the counter, opening the lid of a filthy tanning bed and finding a pair of tanning goggles floating in a greasy puddle of accelerator, and thinking “Well, this is it – this is my rock bottom.”

Jennifer Aniston also wants you to know that she’s pumped the breaks on makeup too, which is something her fiance Justin Theroux is into:

“I’m less attached to [makeup] now. And Justin loves me without.”

Speaking of personal interventions, it sounds like Justin has a pretty heavy addiction to jewelery:

“He’s got a lot of hardware. He wears a chain. He has a gold chunky ring. When we get married he will be wearing his ring. It just won’t say Justin anymore,” she says of the ring he currently wears, adding that perhaps instead it will say Jen “on the inside.”

All that jewelery may seem harmless, even fun, right now, but it’s a slippery slope. Just ask Johnny Depp! If Jenny doesn’t act fast and get him some help, it’s only a matter of time before Justin is knuckles-deep in skull rings and gold teeth.

Here’s just a few of the nuggets of ~wizdum~ that have fallen out of Raven-Symoné’s mouth on and off The View:

On how she’s from almost every continent in Africa and almost every continent in Europe: “I never said I wasn’t black, I said I wasn’t African American — to me that’s a difference. Thank you to Ancestry.com for sending me my DNA test … I am from every continent in Africa except for one and I’m also from every continent in Europe except for one.”

On how stay-at-home mothers should get a paycheck (from whom, I don’t know) for raising their own kids: “Mothers need to get paid for being at home taking care of the next generation.”

On that Univision dude getting fired for comparing Michelle Obama to an ape: “Michelle, don’t fire me from this right now, but some people look like animals. I look like a bird. So can I be mad if somebody calls me Toucan Sam?”

Well, the five of us (I’m being generous) who still watch The View every single day can scream out an ALL-CAPS, bolded YES, because we’re about to get a gallon tub of eye rolling fuel every single weekday. The View is going to get messier. ABC announced today that Raven will take a permanent seat at the half-circle table of mess. Raven is on the show nearly every day as a guest co-host and Whoopi Goldberg said not too long ago that they’re trying to make her a regular. Their wish was granted, because Raven has taken up the spot that Rosie O’Donnell left. She said this on the show today:

“The Disney Company has made another one of my dreams come true! Being a part of ‘The View’ family will be a wonderful growing experience for me. The cast and crew are warm and welcoming and has made the transition into daytime talk easier. I have a lot to learn within this new arena, but being the apprentice of these spectacular women will only make me a better person and talk show host,” she continued. “I want to thank ABC, ABC News and The Disney Company for believing in me and my potential! Let’s have some fun!”

The Wrap says that before the show goes away for summer break, ABC will announce the name of the fifth co-host who will mouth shit next to Whoopi, Rosie Perez, Raven and pile of dry oatmeal Nicolle Wallace. Some say that comedian and blogger Michelle Collins (Never 4 Get BestWeekEver.tv) will get the final spot.

Whoopi released her own statement* today about Raven joining the group of pecking hens: “I am more than happy that there will be another person at the table who says shit that is almost more ridiculous than the shit I say.”

* No, she didn’t.

Here’s Raven looking like a dark goth priestess in the Rainbow Brite universe at the GLSEN Respect Awards in NYC on June 1st.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

InTouch Weekly is letting the Duggars know that they got their number, hussy, and they can’t stop, won’t stop digging through Michelle Duggar’s White Rain-covered hair of secrets. The Duggars want everyone to think that all the investigations against them closed centuries ago and everything is just Chili Frito Pie and pickles now. But InTouch is on them and they say that on May 27th, just a few days after Josh Duggar admitted that he molested his sisters when he was a teenager, Washington County DHS showed up at the Duggar home and asked to speak to one of the five hundred children. The Duggars refused and so DHS called 911 on their asses.

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Chet Haze, the aspiring trust fund “rapper” and British hotel-trashing n-word enthusiast who is now trying to go by the name “Chet Hanx” (because he wants to bring even more shame to his family’s name, I guess) told TMZ that he recently got some very good advice from his parents, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. According to Chet, mommy and daddy have told their 24-year-old son that it may be time to put down the iPhone they definitely paid for and stop posting every dumb thought that escapes from his brain. Finally – confirmation that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are as embarrassed of the shit their son says as the rest of us are.

“My parents, like, they be telling me just to, like, ‘Stay off social media, period’. Like, even before this happened, they would, like, be like, ‘Hey, you know, like, don’t be on Instagram so much.’ But they’re the old generation. They don’t get it. Like, this is the new generation. We do things differently now. You know what I mean? You either gonna get it or you’re not gonna get it.”

If you want to see what it would look like if Forrest Gump had a grandson who was best friends with C-Czar from Kroll Show, here’s the video of Chet’s conversation with TMZ. He also talks about how it’s OK for him to use the n-word, because he identifies with black culture and that it’s an unspoken thing that “white people use that term.” That loud thumping sound you just heard was Tom and Rita banging their heads against their kitchen table.

Pic: Instagram

Provincetown’s first ComicCon went exactly as expected. – Nolan The Audacious White Gay

Upvote winner:

Mighty Morphin Power Bottoms. – FluffKitteh

Pic: Izismile

Figo, the hero service dog who threw himself in front of a mini-bus to save his blind human from death!

When I read this story last night, I looked at my dog and said out loud, “This heroic bitch right here threw his ass in front of a goddamn moving mini-bus to save his human and what have you done for me lately?” (Yes, I’m one of those lonely people who asks his dog questions.) My dog didn’t give a hell, because: 1) He was sleeping and; 2) He can’t understand human words and even if he could he would pretend not to. But I know that if there was a piece of bacon on the road and a mini-bus was driving toward it, he’d throw me in front of the mini-bus to save the bacon. I don’t blame him. It’s bacon. (Also, he grew up mainly around cats, so you know.) But I digress…

The City of Brewster, New York better be preparing a big ass parade for Figo and he better be getting The Purple Snausage of Bravery for what he did. The Journal News says that on Monday morning, a mini school bus carrying two kindergarteners was making a left turn onto the road that Figo and his human, 62-year-old Audrey Stone, were crossing. The driver was focusing on oncoming traffic and didn’t notice Audrey, who is blind, and Figo crossing the crosswalk.

As the bus drove toward the crosswalk, Figo knew that shit was about to get seriously serious and leaped in front of the yellow machine of danger. Audrey was still hit, but Figo took some of the brunt. Audrey is in the hospital with broken ribs, a busted ankle, a messed up elbow and a cut on her head, but she’s expected to make a full recovery. Figo ended up with a major cut on his leg, but he’s going to be okay too.

The driver was hit with a summons for not stopping for people in the crosswalk.

The Brewster police chief said that even though Figo was injured, they basically had to pry him away from Audrey’s side after the accident:

“The dog took a lot of the blow. And he did not want to leave her side. He stood right with her. He was there to save her.”

You know how Hollywood has been trying to remake The Bodyguard? I’m all for a remake of The Bodyguard if they take out all the love story shit, replace Whitney Houston’s character with Audrey, replace Kevin Costner’s character with Figo and replace that final scene at the Oscars with Figo throwing himself in front of that mini-bus as “I Have Nothing” (or a slowed-down version of “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya“) plays.

Pic: CBS New York