Maggie Gyllenhaal Says She’s Been Told She’s Not “Pretty And Sexy Enough” To Be An Actress

/ June 10, 2015

Maggie Gyllenhaal, who once confessed that some people think she’s way too fucking old to play anyone’s love interest, recently admitted during a roundtable interview with The Hollywood Reporter that sometimes she doesn’t even make it to the “Bitch, you are too fucking old” part of the audition. Maggie says that ever since she started out in Hollywood, people have given her the same look the pig people give Donna Douglas in that Twilight Zone episode and told her she’s not “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” to be an actress.

“When I was starting out, I used to hear ‘no’ a lot and still do. And, ‘You’re not sexy enough. You’re not pretty enough.’ When I was really young, I auditioned for this really bad movie with vampires. I wore a dress to the audition that I thought was really hot. Then I was told I wasn’t hot enough. My manager at the time said, ‘Would you go back and sex it up a little bit?’ So I put on leather pants, a pink leopard skinny camisole and did the audition again and still didn’t get the part. (Laughter.) After that, I was like, OK, fuck this!”

Wait a minute – Hollywood is a superficial place filled with rude assholes who only care about looks? I’m shocked!

Maggie just addressed a very real problem in Hollywood; there isn’t a single acting school that offers a class on how to properly sex it up for auditions. Obviously such a class needs to exist, and it should be taught by the Lee Stasberg of sexiness herself, Bai Ling. Leather pants and a pink leopard camisole? That’s way too classy for a “really bad” vampire movie. See, if Maggie had been educated by a pro like Bai Ling, she’d have know that a future direct-to-DVD movie about vampires requires a tastelessly-short miniskirt made from a trash bag, a shirt made from plastic fake vampire teeth, and a pair of over-the-knee boots from Skank’s Choice Discount Shoe Warehouse. That’s how you sex it up and land an audition.

Here’s more of Maggie from The Hollywood Reporter’s roundtable interview, which also included Ruth Wilson, Viola Davis, shade hero Jessica Lange, Taraji P. Henson, and Lizzie Caplan.

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ June 10, 2015

Hilary Rhoda and Andy Cohen’s martini glass holder Sean Avery look like delicately crafted wax figures in Hamptons MagazineCelebitchy

Jurassic World is expected to make a zillion dollars this weekend, which means that Chris Pratt will be able to buy all the Viagra pills he wants with his back end – Lainey Gossip

Tamar Braxton wants nothing to do with Los Angeles Pride. Um, Igloo Australia’s available if they need a replacement – Reality Tea

I’m surprised there’s not dozens of dead fishes floating on the ocean around her,” said Brandi Glanville after looking at this picture of her arch rival Joanna “Fishy Puss” Krupa at the beach – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Not that I have a soul, but if I did, Bryce Dallas Howard’s possessed eyes would’ve eaten it – The Superficial

Some hos still have strong feelings about Caitlyn Jenner getting that Arthur Ashe Courage Award. Case in point: Bob CostasTowleroad

Now this ant knows how to party – Hollywood Tuna

Emmanuelle’s dress slit was cut so high that you could almost see her ChriquiPopoholic

These animals obviously went to Barbizon, because they’re emoting “train to be a model or just look like one” confidence – The Berry

Speaking of Barbizon, my etiquette teacher (yes, I probably failed that course hard) would shake her head at the way Caitlyn Jenner is sitting in this picture with her plastic surgeon – Just Jared

John Waters tells graduates to go out into the world and fuck it up beautifully, unlike the generations before them who have done a good job of fucking it up ugly – Jezebel

Panty Creamer of the Day: Some Made in Chelsea dude dickbombs his girlfriend’s totally natural and not-at-all staged Instagram picture – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Chickadee is suing Mama June for not paying her for “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”  If you were wondering if that family is still a mess, you got your answer – HuffPo

The Swedish Shauna Sand is still spreading her grace and demureness wherever she goes – WWTDD

CaCa Longstocking is dressing weird again, looks like a Zoolander villain while doing so – ICYDK

Crocheted halters for pussies are so going to becoming a thing now and they should! – SOW

Another day, another set of pictures of Ben Affleck looking like the epitome of happiness while doing the pap strut with Jennifer GarnerPopsugar

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Open Post: Hosted By Mulder And Scully On “The X-Files” Set

/ June 10, 2015

If The X-Files fan in your life makes squishy sounds when they walk today, you now know why. Their down low parts are looking like Flukeman’s face, because they squirted and creamed themselves for hours after looking at these pictures of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson shooting new episodes of The X-Files in Vancouver yesterday. Joel McHale was also on set. (No word if Lou the Chihuahua also landed a guest spot.)

And I bet in the scene above, Mulder is whispering into Scully’s ear: “The truth is out there and I’m pretty sure it’s stuck in the gap at the back of your big ass shoes.”

Pics: FameFlynet

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UsWeekly Says Kim Kardashian Is Karrying A Boy

/ June 10, 2015

Earlier today, UsWeekly released the BREAKING news that “multiple sources” could confirm that the baby living inside Kim Kardashian’s factory-made body is a boy. One of the sources claimed that Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye West was “overjoyed” after finding out his wife was knocked up with a boy, adding that he loves their girl baby North West a whole hell of a lot, but “he wanted a little boy, an heir.” Wait – an “heir“? Let’s all cross our fingers and hope chronic narcissism isn’t hereditary.

Even though UsWeekly has a 50/50 chance of correctly guessing what kind of baby will pop out of Kim’s bouncy castle body in December, Kim still took to Twitter shortly after to swat away all the rumors going around about her pregnancy, including UsWeekly’s baby boy news.

kimktweet

To be fair, I’m not even sure she knows the sex of the baby. How could she? When Kim Kardashian looks at an ultrasound picture, the only thing she’s looking for is what the baby’s best angle might be so she’ll know which side of her body the nannies should place it before their daily pap walk.

Not to mention that we’d already know if Kanye was having a boy, because the US patent office would be backed up with requests to trademark the following names: Kanye West Jr., Kanye 2, Kanye’s Little Kanye, Yeezus Jr., The Second Coming of Kanye, and HA HA HA GOD, I GOT A SON NOW TOO.

And if you’ve ever wondered what a drowsy-in-the-face version of Barbamama would look like, here are some picture of Kim shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. I know – how DARE I compare Kim to Barbamama.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Hmmm.. I Wonder Who “Stole” A Copy Of The New “Fifty Shades Of Shit” Book?

/ June 10, 2015

E.L. James dribbled a re-telling of  Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian Grey’s POV, because she is a literary wonder who cannot breath unless her swan quill is scribbling out words of poetry on parchment paper with burnt edges. (And because her publisher told her that if she released another Fifty Shades book, three more dump trucks full of cash will appear on her driveway since horny moms will eat up everything and anything she queefs up.) E.L. James newest masterpiece Grey is supposed to come out on June 18th, Christian Grey’s fake birthday. But well, now The Daily Mail says that a copy of it has magically gone missing and the Kent Police are investigating it. Penguin Random House, the publisher of that wreck, is afraid that it will be sold on the black market or leaked onto he internet. A rep for Penguin Random House had this to say:

“Grey will be published on June 18 – Christian Grey’s birthday – as planned. We can confirm that the Kent police are investigating the theft of a finished copy of EL James’s new book Grey. We will not be issuing any further statement.”

Fun fact: Stephenie Meyer partially wrote a re-telling of Twilight from Edward Cullen’s POV called Midnight Sun. In 2008, Stephenie stopped writing it and refused to release it after 12 chapters mysteriously ended up on the internet. And now this happens to the Christian Grey POV book. Stephenie Meyer better hide her man and her dog, because E.L. James is going full Single White Female with her impersonation of her.

On another note, is Grey just blank page after blank page, because the Christian Grey in the movie (yes, I finally watched it and let’s never talk about it again) was about as alive as a cracked butt plug. Also, if you really want to read another Fifty Shades book, you don’t have to actually read another Fifty Shades book. You just have to eat a lot of corn, take a messy dump, wipe your ass and then look at the toilet paper. Same thing! Strangely enough, you can also do that when you want to read Dlisted and are nowhere near a computer or phone.

Here’s Anastasia Steele (aka Dakota Johnson) looking like the mom in a Nicholas Sparks’ movie adaptation while meeting some hot silver piece at LAX last week.

Pics: Wenn.com, Random House

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Charlie Sheen Went To The Hospital After Eating “Bad Clams”

/ June 10, 2015

To quote the desperate, hard-up trick who eyes me for a minute while looking for a hook-up at the gay bar: “Um, too easy!

Seen above with his foundation-covered skin looking like the inside of a Whopper, Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital on Monday. Usually when I read the words “Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital,” I assume that his liver once again made a break for it out of his warlock asshole. Or I figure that his nose fell into a porn star’s poon and he went to the hospital to get it re-attached again. But Charlie’s rep, Jeffrey Ballard, tells UsWeekly that he got “food poisoning” after filling his mouth with “bad clams” and he was fine after getting “hydrated” at the hospital. Some source tells TMZ that paramedics took Charlie to the hospital after he complained of having chest pains. If I was telling you this story in person, I’d probably lose a few hundred calories from making so many air quotes with my fingers.

“It was clams, bad clams,” Ballard tells Us. “Nothing too exciting.”

“They checked him out, hydrated him and sent him on his way,” Sheen’s publicist told Us. “He was back home in bed 90 minutes later.”

We shouldn’t make jokes, because this is how Michael Douglas got throat cancer.

And I’m sure the universe will keep on churning out “two easy” nuggets like this and we’ll soon read about how Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Coca-Cola in Peru.

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