Isabelle Adjani (60)
Madylin Sweeten (24)
Ed Westwick (28)
Drake Bell (29)
Antoine Dodson (29)
Sam Clafin (29)
Khloe Kardashian (31)
Tobey Maguire (40)
Jo Frost (45)
Ravi Kapoor (46)
Viktor Petrenko (46)
Draco Rosa (46)
J.J. Abrams (49)
Michael Ball (53)
Tony Leung (53)
Lorrie Morgan (56)
Ted Haggard (59)
Julia Duffy (64)
Vera Wang (66)
Ross Perot (85)

Pic: Photo Magazine

Dorky blond giraffes Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have kicked Beyonce and Jay-Z off of the top of Forbes “World’s Highest Paid Celebrity Couple” list. I’m sure Beyonce and Jay-Z will be back on top next year, because Tay Tay and Calvin won’t be a couple anymore and everybody on this planet will eventually drop everything to subscribe to Tidal (no, we won’t) – Lainey Gossip 

Charlize Theron broke up with Sean Penn because she realized what everyone else has known forever – Celebitchy

Not pictured: A bunch of Galapagos tortoises who are wondering “Are they are mommies?” while looking at Bethenny Frankel and Carole Radziwill – Reality Tea 

Diddy’s son got shit from his coach because his daddy got him a spot on the team – The Superficial 

Selena Gomez is trying to bring the sex in her new video, but she looks more like she’s suffering from a serious case of the cramps – Drunken Stepfather

Donald Trump’s crusted over chapped asshole is still hot over Univision dumping the Miss USA pageant – Jezebel

Panty Creamer of the Day: Adam Rodriguez’s nipples – Towleroad

Behold, the Mexican weather girl who is bringing a heat front to the chonies of straight dudes everywhere – IDLYITW

If you need me, I’ll be trying to find peen prints in these pictures of hot pieces in sweatpants – The Berry 

Nina Agdal looks hungry and sad on the cover of Cover Magazine – Hollywood Tuna 

Julianne Hough looks like a high, patriotic deer caught in the headlights on the cover of Women’s Health – Hollywood Tuna 

Jimmy Fallon canceled his show tonight after cutting his finger bad. He either cut it during a drunk mess accident or during a fisting gone wrong – SOW

President Obama brought the church to church in Charleston today – Popsugar

For why is Vanessa Marcil in Lisa Loeb cosplay? – Moe Jackson

Is the “long game” some kind of sex act I’ve never heard of? – Just Jared

Quick Programming Note: Allison is still out with the sicks (that’s what happens when you write about the Kartrashians all day), so J. Harvey is covering for her on Sunday. She’ll be back on Monday.

Pic: Splash

What better way is there to end this day of celebration than with a human crystal flute full of sparkling natural beauty and exquisite sophistication?

The name “Samantha Hoopes” (pronounced: WHO?!) probably means as much to you as birth control means to bareback queen Bristol Palin. But believe it or not, Samantha Hoopes is not Duchess Kate’s personal stylist who keeps Prince William’s wife slathered in ladylike refinement. Samantha Hoopes is a Sports Illustrated/Carl’s Jr. model who was a shiny jewel of glamour in a sea of meh (see: Amber Heard) at yesterday’s Magic Mike XXL premiere in Hollywood.

Samantha wore a beautifully made gown from the House of Ho Shit that made her totally organic chest globes look like giant billiard balls straight from heaven’s pool table. I’m going to choose to believe that Samantha’s shoes are gold Lucite platform heels, because she’s obviously the kind of style icon who knows that no elegant ensemble is complete until you’ve slipped into a pair of Shauna Sand originals. If Samantha wore that look to the Met Gala, the floor of that museum would’ve been covered in silicone and weaves, because Beyonce and Kim Kardashian would’ve melted after seeing a golden goddess do it a billion times better than them. That dress is very AVN Awards trophy girl and nothing is more classic than that.

I also heard that as soon as the pro-life protesters saw Samantha on the black carpet, they dropped their signs and vowed to devote all their time to worshiping her.

And if you’re not immediately blinded by the sight of grace personified, here’s more pictures from the Magic Mike XXL premiere including some of Matt Boner and Adam Rodriguez who both wore clothes for some weird, unnatural reason.

Pics: Wenn.com

“We brought the cream mock turtleneck sweatshirt six years ago to Fendi, and they said, ‘No.’ How many motherfuckers you done seen with a cream mock turtleneck sweatshirt” – Kanye West in six years while talking about how he’s the godfather of cream mock turtleneck sweatshirts that look like a half Snuggie.

Fresh off from putting a crack in the planet’s core by admitting that even an all-knowing god like him is wrong sometimes, Kanye West recently said a few words about the death of his mother to a magazine. Kanye’s mom Dr. Donda West died in 2007 due to complications from getting lipo and a breast reduction. Kanye said before that he feels like the plastic superficiality of Los Angeles is what drove his mother to get surgery. During an interview with Q  Magazine (via People), Kanye became sad Kanye when he pointed the finger at himself over his mom’s death. And he also spit out a few rocks from the river of delusion:

On how his time with North West comes first: “While [Nori’s] here in Europe I have to have six hours a day with her because otherwise I’ll just work and she’ll get scheduled around meetings. Instead, the meetings get scheduled around her.”

On how most celeb whores only open their mouths for money (He’s obviously not talking about any of the celebrities he knows or is married to, because all of them are modest and humble): “When people expect a celebrity to do or say anything, you’re talking to the wrong group of people. They won’t use their voice for the people. They’ll only use their voice for money. Ninety percent of celebrities only use their voice for the purpose of making money for themselves.”

On how living in L.A. killed his mom: “If I had never moved to L.A. she’d be alive. I don’t want to go far into it because it will bring me to tears.”

So, Kanye thinks that the pressure to look like an L.A. brand rubber mannequin is what took his mother, but yet he married into a family of vapid money-grubbing fame whores whose body parts are made by DuPont and who had their souls lipo’d out because it made them look fat? Hmm, I guess you should keep your friends close and keep your enemies so damn close that you marry and have a baby with them.

Here’s more of Kanye in Paris as well as pictures of him going to dinner in London with ALS charity angel Kummy Kakes and her deflating hot air balloon ass.

Pics: Wenn.com

Above is a picture taken by photographer John Plashal during a thunderstorm in Goochland County, VA (Goochland County is my favorite county) on Tuesday and after a local news station threw the pictures up on their site, some messes swore on their one rhinestone glove that they could see Michael Jackson moonwalking up in the clouds above. I need to get to Goochland County immediately. They obviously have the best kind of good shit. Their good shit must be so good that it makes you see a moonwalking Michael Jackson made of clouds. That’s some potent stuff. But really, I don’t see shit. (Strangely enough, I do see a white and gold dress, though.) But maybe those stoned messes in Goochland are seeing clearly and that really is cloud Michael Jackson moonwalking during a thunderstorm. It would make sense. You too would be moonwalking during a thunderstorm if you knew that you were making it rain even in death.

TMZ says that since Michael Jackson’s death 6 years ago, his estate has whored him out so much that it’s made $2 billion. Most of that giant mountain of cash came from the Cirque du Soleil show “Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour” in Las Vegas, the movie “This Is It,” his albums and other stuff. But Bigi Jackson isn’t moisturizing his luxurious mane with liquefied canary diamonds just yet.

After expenses and taxes and other gross shit, that $2 billion gets cut down all the way to $450 million. $450 million is still $450 million, but before his death, MJ spent like me when I got my first Capital One credit card and put himself in $500 million debt. But thanks to that $450 million, his estate is almost out of the red. That $2 billion doesn’t include the money the estate makes from Sony and other things. MJ’s kids also have a trust that they get to dip into when they get older. Some source (probably Bubbles) claims that if the estate got liquidated today, each one of MJ’s kids would get $100 million each.

So, MJ’s estate made billions of dollars just from using his name, likeness and music. This is going to give them ideas and it won’t be long before they reanimate his corpse and send him out on a world tour with the Tupac hologram. If they do that, I hope Rebbie Jackson opens for them, because I really need to see “Centipede” live.

International jewels Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Derek Jacobi (who I guess is Sir Patrick Stewart’s understudy and fills in whenever he’s not available to be Sir Ian’s BFF) are going to make nipple tips tingle and ass lips quiver on Sunday when they ride down the streets of Manhattan as grand marshals of the Gay Pride Parade. Since they were in NYC the day that SCOTUS declared that everyone has the right to get drunk married in Las Vegas (my dream, really), they made a Vine for Buzzfeed (via Vanity Fair) where Sir Derek asked Sir Ian to be his lawfully wedded piece. Wikipedia says that Sir Derek has had a man for a while now, but whatever. Sir Derek, his man and Sir Ian can all get married! I mean, Fox News seems to think that now that gays can get married everywhere, three tricks can get married to each other too! YAY!