Since those short uncut dick looking things are plastered all over the place, I thought that Minions movie already came out, but it hasn’t yet. The premiere for that shit went down in L.A. today and Jon Hamm was there because his voice is in the movie. Minions is a children’s movie, so I don’t expect the Hammaconda to make an appearance at the premiere, but I still pressed my eyeballs against these pictures to see if I could at least make out a print of its head or something. I see that one-eyed Minion on the bottom has the same idea and is trying to sneak a peek at the Hammaconda. Slut.

Pics: Wenn.com

Whoever holds the record for the most mug shots taken (Lindsay?) better be prepared to lose their title, because DMX added another mug shot to his 8-foot-tall pile. “DMX got arrested” is the new “water is wet.”

PIX-11 in NYC says that DMX (born name: Earl Simmons) was on his way to perform in a concert at Radio City Music Hall when the cops got his ass for “several outstanding issues.” DMX owes $400,000 in child support, so Erie County Family court issued a warrant for his arrest. The city of White Plains also issued an arrest warrant on his ass for bail jumping and the city of Yonkers has accused him of being an “aggravated unlicensed motor vehicle operator.” On top of all of that, Newark, NJ filed a complaint against DMX for his possible involvement in a gas station robbery on April 5th. In other words, every damn city in the tri-state area has DMX’s name on a warrant list.

Because DMX was busy getting arrested, he wasn’t able to perform at Radio City. The show, which featured a bunch of rappers, went on without him. DMX later bailed out.

I get that the cops had to arrest DMX’s beyond messy ass since he has a warrant in practically every county, but shouldn’t they have waited until AFTER the show? Since DMX owes three shit loads in child support, they should’ve waited until he did the job and got the check before bringing him in along with the money he just made. How is he supposed to make a dent in that child support balance if they arrest him before he gets that paycheck? And DMX really needs to get it all the way together before he once again ends up nibbling green bologna sandwiches in a desert tent while wearing pink jail clothes. Believe it or not, that’s not a euphemism.

I was going to title this “American royalty” meets “British royalty,” but that would be a lie wrapped in a heavy layer of NO. Because this post is not about how Shauna Sand and her boy toy had high tea at a Hooters in Nottingham with Jodie Marsh and whoever she’s boning at the moment.

Years from now, history teachers will extensively cover June 26, 2015 and not because it’s the day that the Supreme Court made the dreams come true of every aspiring gay gold digger in every state. They will cover that day, because it’s the day that Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Duchess Kate and Prince William drank tea together. CNN should really close up and give it up, because instead of covering a highly historical event like this, they spent hours reporting on those prison escapees last night.

Unlike CNN, UsWeekly knows what journalism is, because they exclusively reported about how Brangelina had tea with the royals at Kensington Palace yesterday afternoon. Brangelina are in London for charity stuff and while there, they drank tea (but was it Tension Tamer tea?) with Duchess Kate and Prince William and they also brought a gift for Princess Charlotte. A rep for Kensington Palace said they talked about illegal wildlife shit.

After months of coordinating, the two power couples met for the first time at a private Kensington Palace meeting. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt at Kensington Palace on Friday afternoon,” a Kensington Palace spokesman tells Us Weekly exclusively. “They discussed their shared interest in combatting the illegal wildlife trade.”

“Everyone got on splendidly,” says the source of their afternoon tea. “Brad and Angelina spent much longer with the Duke and Duchess than planned. They ended up staying for almost a few hours.”

They drank tea and talked about illegal animals for “almost a few hours” (whatever the hell that means)? I call bullshit on that. They probably spent those “almost a few hours” smoking weed out of a blueberry scone Brad Pitt turned into a bong before swapping partners. But I’m sure we’ll soon find out what really went on during those “almost a few hours” when the History Channel airs a 6-part series about the most historical meeting of our time.

If you stare at Mimi’s Magic Eye dress long enough, you may see a sinking sailboat, which is a symbol of her relationship with her Australian billionaire, I guess.

My dog’s relationship with the piece of chicken-flavored rawhide that he’s been gnawing on for the past 2 days has gone on longer than Mimi’s relationship with Australian billionaire James Packer, but they’re still getting serious about getting married. It makes sense. Who cares if Mimi probably hasn’t met his family and turns into a human question mark when you ask her what his middle name is! The only thing she needs to know is that he has enough money to hire scientists to make her a real-life pink unicorn. SOLD! Who cares if James Packer’s brain turns off when you ask him what Mimi’s birthday is. The only thing he needs to know is that if he wants to get into Mimi’s Hello Pussy, he better put a 14 carat purple diamond ring on her ringer.

A source tells TMZ that Mimi and the come-to-life Minecraft character want to get engaged, but before they do, they’re going to meet with some spiritual leader. The source says that today, Mimi and James are taking his private jet to Israel to meet with a spiritual leader type whom he knows well. Once they do that, they’re going to hit the fast forward button on their marriage plans even though she’s still married to Nick Cannon.

James Packer was Tommy Girl’s best bitch for a minute and he stuck his tip in L. Ron Hubbard’s Thetan-covered asshole for a minute, so I’m picturing this “spiritual adviser” as John Travolta in a white gown with an e-meter. I wish Mimi would join Scientology. She’d bring that church of crazy down. While rambling about lambs and moments during her audit, the e-meter machine would explode and the walls would come crumbling down.

I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell them that they’re both crazy wrecks who need to slow down and that Mimi doesn’t need to get married in order to fuck. Ha. No, I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell Mimi that James Packer is her soulmate and they should unite their love before GOD and the spiritual leader will say that right after James slips him a blank check.

Here’s the ethereal Wuzzle and Frankenbillionaire strolling through Portofino, Italy yesterday.

Pic: FameFlynet

Joni Mitchell was found unconscious at her home in L.A. late last March and we haven’t really had that many updates about how she’s doing. Back in April, there was a story going around that she was in a coma and was seconds away from skipping up to the great big Woodstock stage in the sky, but her website quickly dropped a dry queef of denial on that. They said that Joni was “awake” and “alert” and was expected to make a full recovery. There hasn’t been an update since then, but during an interview with HuffPost Live about his solo tour, her friend, former old man of a minute and legendary stache wearer David Crosby said that she’s at home and recovering. David also said that the aneurysm fucked with her something real and she still can’t talk.

“I have not spoken to her. To my knowledge, she is not speaking yet. She is home, she is in care, she is in recovery. How that’s going to go, we don’t know yet. She took a terrible hit. She had an aneurysm, and nobody found her for a while. And she’s going to have to struggle back from it the way you struggle back from a traumatic brain injury.

I love her. She was my old lady at one point. She’s probably the best of us — probably the greatest living singer-songwriter. … We’re all holding our breath and thinking a good thought, hoping that it’s going to turn out okay.”

“Greatest living songwriter..” Um, obviously David Crosby doesn’t know that poetic lyricist Tyga is alive. Hopefully Joni Mitchell makes a full recovery because my ears need to hear her say, “Step off, bitch,” to Taylor Swift one more time.

Quasi Modo, our new reigning World’s Ugliest Dog 2015!

The only beauty pageant that any of us should care about, the World’s Ugliest Dog contest, happened at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, CA yesterday. It’s the best beauty pageant of all beauty pageants, because it involves dog friends and it doesn’t involve the world’s ugliest ass wart Donald Trump. The Chinese crested dogs are to the World’s Ugliest Dog pageant what Miss Venezuela is to the Miss Universe pageant. They usually win and sashay into the contest while eyeing the other contestants up and down like, “Why bother, whores? I got this.”

But the Chinese cresteds better step up their ugly, because they’ve been on a losing streak. They haven’t taken the Ugly Dog crown since 2012. They lost it to adorable space watcher Peanut (breed unknown) in 2014 and in 2013, the blind judges gave the trophy to a non-ugly basic beagle, boxer, basset hound mix. And this year, the Chinese cresteds were once again told to ugly it up more and try again next year, because the big winner was a 10-year-old Dutch shepherd, pit bull mix named Quasi Modo who is built like Sherri Shepherd and has Monday morning eyes that are alway saying, “Over this shit.”

Quasi Modo was born with a spine defect that gives him that “love child of It’s Pat and a hyena” hunchback. The Associated Press says that Quasi Modo was adopted by his human, a vet, after he was dropped off at an animal shelter in Loxahatchee, Florida. Quasi Modo beat out Chinese crested Sweepee Rambo who was the runner-up. Quasi’s prize was the title, a trophy and $1,500 which I hope he’ll spend on hot ass and the good shit.

Congratulations to King Quasi Modo! Hopefully this highly coveted title leads to bigger things like the starring role in a live-action Tasmanian Devil movie (or the title role in a Larry King biopic)!

Pics: Splash