“Um, WUDE!” hissed Tweety Bird, aka the most malnourished bird I could think of. And don’t try to tell me Tweety wasn’t severely malnourished; his arms were like toothpicks. I don’t know what Granny was feeding him, but it was clearly nutritionally deficient.

During a press conference for her new film Trainwreck (which isn’t a behind-the-scenes documentary about the making of Lifetime’s upcoming Full House movie, I checked), Amy Schumer poured a gallon of Screw It™ syrup on an extra-tall stack of truth cakes while talking about how few fucks she gives about her body. According to Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer won’t be working a set of razor-sharp cheekbones or wrists that could snap from a strong gust of wind any time soon, because Amy Schumer is OK with how Amy Schumer currently looks.

“It’s very therapeutic for me to be like, ‘Yes, I’m not going to look like a malnourished bird,’ and I like speaking to that, as well as speaking to my work and what I’m doing.”

I have no idea what Amy Schumer is talking about. I spent the past four days horking my lungs out and sleeping, and the only food I could keep down was something I invented called a Sleepy Sno-Cone (crushed ice and NyQuil). I was subsisting on about 34 calories a day, and I’ve never looked better. My face is all sharp angles, like an elderly ostrich. Does it have something to do with the fact that I was carrying 10 to 12 pounds of excess Pop-Tarts weight in my face before I got sick? And will it probably go back to the way it was before after my weekly Wednesday night Taco Bell binge? Shut up, that’s irrelevant.

You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.

The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.

The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.

Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.

It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.

And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.

Pics: Splash

And now we know what it looks like when Rihanna mimes a bored wave with a pile of cash in her hand.

RiRi showed up to the BET Awards last night, because a party truly isn’t a party until Princess Pass-The-Blunt arrives. And also because she’s got a new video to hustle. “Bitch Better Have My Money“, a song which I assume is about Rihanna shaking down Rita Ora for a portion of her unlicensed impersonator profits, has been assaulting our ears with yuh-yeahs and blap-blap-blaps since March. Three months later, it looks like we’re finally getting a video. RiRi showed a trailer for “Bitch Better Have My Money” (the whole video gets released on Thursday) last night during the BET Awards, and she did it in the most RiRi way possible: by whipping a stack of cash at BET President of Programming Stephen Hill’s face before she stepped on stage.

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Wow, DrSandraLee’s blackhead videos are getting more and more extreme. – emeriesan

Upvote winner:

Dick Tac Toe – Neely O’Harridan

(Thanks Mike!)

The BBC subtitle writer who couldn’t give less of a fuck while live captioning Kanye West’s performance at Glastonbury!

If you were in charge of typing out the words that came out of Kanye Kardashian’s self-appointed holy mouth at Glastonbury, you’d either try to be accurate or you’d switch yourself into “no fucks given mode,” pop open a bottle and not even try. Any sane person would go with the latter and that’s what BBC’s subtitle writer did. During Glastonbury, Kanye got a gigantic spoonful of his own medicine and The Who double slapped him for saying he’s a rock “God,” but the greatest Kanye slap down came from BBC’s genius subtitle writer who tried to PG-ify his lyrics before giving up entirely.

The BBC subtitle writer typed “ligga” instead of “nigga” and “motherducker” instead of “motherfucker.” “Ligga” sounds like the name of an Ikea bookshelf that takes approximately 7 hours to put together (and it’ll still break when you put more than 3 things on it) and “motherducker” sounds like the name for hitting the “decline” button on your iPhone when your mom calls.

Even the BBC subtitle writer has their limits and they eventually made Kanye’s lyrics more sensible and poetic by just typing “something something.” You’ve never truly understood Kanye’s lyrics until the BBC subtitle writer interpreted them perfectly.

I don’t know who the hell Bev is, but I’m guessing Bev is the subtitle writer’s supervisor and hired them. Well, Bev, the subtitle writer and all the other motherduckers responsible need to be given a major raise, because they took Kanye’s Glastonbury performance to brand new levels of brilliant. And here’s more of my new Give No Fucks hero in action:

via Jezebel

Gary Busey (71)
Lily Rabe (33)
Charlamagne Tha God (35)
Katherine Jenkins (35)
Nicole Scherzinger (37)
Zuleikha Robinson (38)
Bret McKenzie (39)
Judith Hoag (47)
Jamie Deen (48)
Melora Hardin (48)
Emily Skinner (48)
Matthew Weiner (50)
Amanda Donohoe (53)
Sharon Lawrence (54)
Maria Conchita Alonso (58)
Fred Grandy (67)
Richard Lewis (68)
Robert Evans (85)

Pic: Splash