When I think about the reasons why Britney Spears might be crossing the name “Iggy Azalea” off her Christmas card list, most of them have to do with Iggy Azalea starting shit with her on Twitter over their song “Pretty Girls” a few days ago. However, according to Iggy Azalea, it has nothing to do with the fact that her fingers typed the words “I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend” and everything to do with shit-starting troublemakers in the media.

Shortly after Brit Brit responded to Iggy’s asshole-sucking comment by pulling out her best umbrella and covering her in shade, Iggy hopped on Twitter to hiss at everyone trying to make things awkward between them.

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InTouch Weekly is still doing God’s work by continuing with their mission to expose the Duggars, and in this week’s issue they claim that the only molestation victim who isn’t related to Josh Duggar is planning to hit him with a lawsuit. If TLC doesn’t cancel 19 Kids and Counting, expect them to change the name of the show to 18 Kids and Counting, because Jim Bob Duggar is going to sell one of his daughters to pay his beloved son’s settlement fee.

Josh Duggar child touched 5 girls, that we know of, when he was a teenager and 4 of his victims were his sisters. The other victim was a babysitter. Jessa and Jill Duggar came out as two of Josh’s victims during their interview with Fox News. Jessa and Jill said during the interview that all of Josh’s victims have forgiven him including the babysitter. Well, someone is committing the unholy sin of lie-telling, because InTouch claims that Josh’s non-related victim hasn’t forgiven him and is planning to sue him.

InTouch says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar may be forced to give depositions and they’ll have to answer every single question they’re asked. They can’t try to get out of answering questions by playing the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination, because the criminal statue-of-limitations expired already. Lawyer types tell InTouch that even though Josh can’t ever be charged for the sick shit he did, his victim can still sue him:

Legal experts tell In Touch the victim still has the right to sue under Arkansas Code Annotated Section 16-56-130, which allows for a civil action when a sexual abuse victim start to experience the effects of the abuse years later.

Oh how I hope this doesn’t settle and oh how I hope that Jim Bob and Michelle’s testimonies are televised live. Make this happen for us, Jesus! Because I really want to see Michelle cross her fingers before she swears not to lie while putting her other hand on the Bible. Actually, Michelle will be one step ahead of them. She’ll bring her own Bible to swear on. You know, the Duggar version of the Bible that says “Thou shalt not lie unless one of your son’s molestation victims is suing him and you don’t want to lose all your money.”

“And now for an impression of my greedy handout-seeking ex-husband.”

Sherri Shepherd is now officially divorced from her questionably-employed gold digger husband of almost three years Lamar Sally. Unfortunately, she’ll still be reminded of him every month for the next 18 years. TMZ says that Sherri and Lamar have settled their custody battle over the surrogate baby Sherri tried to walk away from. Sherri has agreed to pay $4,100 a month in child support for Lamar Sally Jr. until he turns 13, at which point Sherri has to start forking over $4,600 a month. In total, Sherri is looking at saying sayonara to about $920,000. That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally Sr. yelling “Ka-ching!” while pretending to pull the handle on an invisible slot machine.

But Lamar may not want to celebrate just yet. TMZ says there’s a legal loophole Sherri will try to shimmy her way through in order to avoid paying him. Remember when Sherri claimed Lamar was a “fraud” who only wanted that surrogate baby for the child support cash? She can pursue that fraud claim, and if a judge decides that Lamar was being a fraud, she won’t owe him a damn dollar.

Of course, because we’re talking about Sherri Shepherd and Lamar Sally, the drama doesn’t end there. Sherri and Lamar put some embryos in storage when they were still together, and Lamar might try to get them unfrozen. Technically, Sherri wouldn’t have to pay child support for those babies. “Technically? I’m always up for a challenge” thought Lamar Sally, before he called up Nick Loeb and asked to borrow some signs.

Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:

“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”

Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.

Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.

The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!

Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:

1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).

2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.

On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!

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Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.

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