It’s been a really good week for the makers of It’s A Fap! Star Wars-brand lube. First, the nerd boners stood straight up when Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford  kissed each other during the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel at Comic-Con last Friday. Then, GQ gave the human-on-droid fanfic community (don’t tell me there isn’t one, there totally is) some jack off material by publishing a cover picture of C-3PO finger banging Amy Schumer’s joke hole while she’s dressed up as Slave Leia. C-3PNO! You don’t know where that mouth has been (and Amy doesn’t know where that finger has been.)

Amy’s interview with GQ won’t be released until Monday, so for now all we have are the pictures and cover. Speaking of that cover, I feel like I’m looking at a concept art for a live-action prequel to Toy Story that is directed by Terry Richardson, takes place in the 1980s and stars a Cabbage Patch Doll and a Star Wars action figure.

C-3PO’s finger isn’t the only thing that went into Amy’s mouth. That’s the tip of the iceberg. She also stuck a lightsaber in there. If every picture tells a story, then Amy’s shoot with GQ must be the untold tale of Princess Leia’s slutty half-sister whom you can find banging droids in the bathroom of the Mos Eisley Cantina. Yes, there’s also a picture of an implied threesome between Amy, C-3PO, and R2D2. Amy, I know you can “catch a dick” whenever you want, but an astromech droid? Come on girl, have some standards.

Pics: GQ

The world of cinema nearly lost Oscar-nominated Salma Hayek after she gave birth to the daughter she made with billionaire high-fashion mogul Francois-Henri Pinault. Salma tells Allure (via ET) that after their now 7-year-old daughter Valentina Paloma was born, she wanted to turn in her resignation to Hollywood and spend her days taking care of her kid and maybe every now and again she’d use her man’s private jet to travel to a third world country to feed a parched orphan with her world-saving chichis of perfection. That dream was crushed when Salma’s billionaire piece said the words nobody wants to hear from their billionaire piece: “You have to work.” That’s a real “back up and come again, motherfucker” moment.

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Raise your hand if you too just got the mental image of George Clooney shouting “I’m knocking up the most beautiful, stylish, smart, kind, amazing woman aliiiive” as he busts a tequila trouser worm nut into his wife Amal Clooney.

According to UsWeekly, 54-year-old George Clooney and 37-year-old Amal have decided that it’s the right time to make a baby. A source claims they’ve recently visited a fertility center, and that Amal is freeing up her schedule by not taking on any extra cases at work. Meanwhile, George is getting ready by choreographing his hand placement on Amal’s stomach for their first “She’s pregnant!” pics for the paparazzi. Another source says they’re fixing up their $15 million house in the English countryside to include a room for Baby Clooney, who they hope will make an appearance in London sometime next year.

George said back in May that the idea of spawning hasn’t been high on his to-do list, but another source says that hanging around his friends and their kids have changed that. The same source says George thinks Amal “will be a great mother.” Oh, I’m sure she will! And I’m sure George will remind us at least 20,037 times in the nine months leading up to Baby Clooney’s birth.

Here’s George and Amal and their families out for dinner in Italy last night.

Pics: Splash/INF

If I’m going to do a post that mentions genocide, I may as well include a picture of an adorable doggy throwing a look that says, “Disclaimer: I do not endorse the opinions and statements made by the human holding me.”

Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cera’s understudy (or is Michael Cera Jesse Eisenberg’s understudy?), caused a hundred groans during the Superman v Batman panel at Comic-Con when he compared being at the nerd orgy to genocide. I don’t see why everyone was waving their pitchforks at Jesse since I can totally understand how “dealing” with a thousand screaming fans who are going to pay to see the movie you got a big check for is just like the mass slaughter of a people. Samesies, practically! But most people thought that the shit that came out of Jesse’s mouth was just that, so he tried to clarify his comment twice.

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I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.

The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.

Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:

sunday comes after saturday? weird

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011

He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:

“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”

Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.

If Glastonbury was still going on, a pair of wellies would’ve been hung on a pole at half-mast today, because the bohemian hipster duke and duchess of England may have wrapped their dead engagement in an antique lace tablecloth and buried it on a bed of dried wild flowers while humming the melody of a Mumford & Sons song.

This break-up news came out of The Sun’s mouth and was delivered to us by The Daily Mail, so it’s like listening to Benita Buttrell from In Living Color tell you something that Babette from Gilmore Girls whispered in her ear. A source claims that Sienna Miller and Tom Sturridge’s recent holiday in Formentera, Spain with their 3-year-old daughter Marlowe (pictures below) was their last attempt to Super Glueing their broken relationship, but it didn’t work. A source says that nothing ESCANDALO happened. Sienna and Tom just decided that they were done touching genitals after 4 years together. The source went through the file marked “generic break-up statements given by an anonymous source” and handed their choice over to The Sun.

“Tom and Sienna split a few weeks ago but still love and respect each other as friends and parents. It’s a very amicable break-up and they intend to remain great friends.”

Sienna’s rep had nothing to say about this and neither did Tom’s.

I refuse to believe this rumor until the secret alarm that is hidden in every wedding band goes off, alerting married people to watch out! Sienna Miller and her legendary bull dozer vagina are back!

Sienna is shooting a movie with Ben Affleck soon, so I was already getting my eyeballs ready for tabloid story after tabloid story about how those two are fucking until all the air in his trailer’s tires seeps out. It’s going to be thirty times worse now. But on behalf of proud sluts everywhere, I’m begging our slut leader to not use her chocha to pick the low-hanging fruit that is Ben Affleck. Sienna is better than that! Okay, she should do it once and then keep her coochie moving.

Pics: Wenn.com