..but the lady raccoon turned him down. So, sadly, poor Mr. Rothschild had to go with his second choice…Nicky Hilton. – bodytech

Upvote winner:

“Oh my god this is so sudden! I just started going through your trash a month ago!” – Jade

Pic: Break

Patricia Navidad, Mexican actress, singer and maxi pad warrior who slapped down all the tricks who made fun of the pad that escaped out of her chonies during a TV performance.

Shit happens on live TV. Some people “accidentally” drop fuck bombs, some caca themselves, some people’s titty falls out, etc… etc… Well, during a performance on the Univision show “Despierta América,” Patricia Navidad learned that anything can happen on live TV when it looked like her pad made a break for it and free fell from her dress. Bitch sang her maxi pad off, basically. The camera person noticed and made sure to zoom in and get a nice close-up shot of the pad lying on the floor, because that’s what everyone needed to see.

The clip went viral and after a few radio DJs made fun of her and accused her of staging the stunt for attention, Patricia jumped on Twatter to slap them all in the face with her escaped chocha towel. Patricia said that it’s disgusting how men are making fun of something natural and wondered if the world has anything better to talk about (answer: not really). She didn’t come out and say that it was a maxi pad, and she even said that it could’ve been an armpit towel (sweat sponge?) that fell from a tunnel in her dress. Latin Times has all of Patricia’s tweets, which are in Spanish, but here’s one of my favorites:

PARA VOLAR NO NECESITO ALAS, TENGO IMAGINACIÓN Y GRACIAS A DIOS SENTIDO DEL HUMOR, SI USTEDES QUIEREN QUE SEA TOALLA, PUES ES TOALLA JAJA😂😁

— Patricia Navidad (@ANPNL05) July 14, 2015

The drunk substitute high school Spanish teacher known as Google Translate translated that tweet into English and this is what it came up with:

NO NEED TO FLY WINGS HAVE IMAGINATION AND THANK GOD SENSE OF HUMOR, IF YOU WANT TO BE TOWEL, TOWEL AS IS LOL

“If you want to be a towel, towel as is” is my new life motto.

Pic: TV Notas (For Alejandro and Gabby)

Will Ferrell (48)
Mark Indelicato (21)
AnnaLynne McCord (28)
Jesse Jane (35)
Jayma Mays (36)
Jenna Lewis (38)
Chris Pontius (41)
Corey Feldman (44)
Rain Pryor (46)
Barry Sanders (47)
Phoebe Cates (52)
Michael Flatley (57)
Tony Kushner (59)
Ruben Blades (67)

Pic: Rolling Stone

While working a custom-made Ver-sayce gown and styling by Dame St. Angie Jolie’s stylist (Can’t you tell?), Caitlyn Jenner accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs tonight as some people screamed, “(insert the name of any and every athlete here) deserves it more!!!!!” Bob Costas‘ wig probably flipped off of his head.

Caitlyn’s 5,000 children were in the audience as well as Khlozilla, Kim Kartrashian and The Slow One. Pimp Mama Kris, who wasn’t invited, watched it in her lair while saying, “Ugh, she looks so fat,” to the TV screen as her boy toy/future victim massaged the retractable devil horns on her head.

Before her speech, they played a 13-minute-long video that was narrated by Jon Hamm of all people and showed Caitlyn’s Olympic wins as well as some of her transition. During her speech, Caitlyn said that she feels it’s her responsibility to “reshape the landscape of how trans issues are viewed” and hopes her story will push people to accept each other for who we are. Caitlyn talked about the murder of 17-year-old transgender woman Mercedes Williamson in Mississippi and a 15-year-old transgender boy who committed suicide just days before her interview with Diane Sawyer aired. Caitlyn said that she can take it when people call her names and makes jokes about her ass, but the thousands of transgender kids out there who are just finding themselves shouldn’t have to deal with that shit. Below is a piece of her speech:

“So for the people out there wondering what this is all about — whether it’s about courage or controversy or publicity, well, I’ll tell you what it’s all about. It’s about what happens from here. It’s not just about one person – it’s about thousands of people. It’s not just about me — it’s about all of us, accepting one another. We’re all different — that’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing. And while it may not be easy to get past the things you always don’t understand, I want to prove that it is absolutely possible if we only do it together.”

And in motion:

Kim would’ve squirted out a fake tear, but her ducts are all Botoxed up.

I really wished that at the end of Caitlyn’s speech she would’ve done a slow, lazy, Ambien and red wine-induced spin, because with that hair and that dress she was giving me Lana Del Rey on Saturday Night Live. Okay, a more alive Lana Del Rey.

Pic: Wenn.com, Getty, Instagram

Pass me a Huggable Hanger so that I can throw it at the screen, because a trailer for the Joy Mangano biopic, directed by David O. Russell And starring Jennifer Lawrence, is out. I thought this was going to be a comprehensive saga about the making of the Huggable Hanger and Miracle Mop and instead it’s just Jennifer Lawrence looking like a baby Renee Zellweger. I’m not even sure if she does Joy’s accent. Take a Miracle Mop to this shit and do it again! With that being said, it will win approximately 95 Oscars – Lainey Gossip 

That fuchsia really brings out all the plastic in Jenny McCarthy’s face – Celebitchy

The Real Drunk Wrecks Of New York City may be “HOLLA” free next season – Reality Tea 

Pamela Anderson looks a mess! – Drunken Stepfather

President Obama says he won’t snatch away Bill Cosby’s Medal of Honor because they don’t have a mechanism for that. Um, can’t he just create one by snapping his fingers? What’s the point of being president if you can’t make up mechanisms? – Jezebel

And Pimp Mama Kris will wear Kendall Jenner’s elegant top to church on Sunday – The Nip Slip 

I see that Star Magazine bought Paul LeBlanc’s Friends fanfiction titled “The One Where Jennifer Aniston Passed Her Married Puss To Matt LeBlanc” – The Superficial 

Here’s the trailer for Sisters starring Tina Fey as Amy Poehler’s Baby Mama character and Amy Poehler as Tina Fey’s Baba Mama character – Towleroad

Dad got into his kid’s Ecstasy stash again… – Hollywood Tuna 

Disney didn’t hear you when you screamed, “Stop with the live-action fuckery!” – Just Jared

I miss Katie Holmes’ pegged jeans – Popoholic

PRINCE PHILIP AND SUSAN BOYLE WERE ROBBED! – Pajiba

Stunt Empress Beyonce is at it again – Popsugar

Michael Douglas’ “eating cooze gave me cancer” comment made me picture him munching twat and now his “I have a big dick” comment is making me check Google for pictures of his peen. Please don’t let him talk about how plump his b-hole is next, because my brain can’t take it – SOW

Nicolle Wallace has been kicked from her regular chair on The View – TVLine 

Well, this is ten million tons of sad: Nick Cave’s teenage son died after falling off of a cliff – HuffPo

When a 40-something-year-old rich dude files for divorce, he needs to immediately go full cliché by getting a gorgeous tramp stamp (CHECK) and a hot new car. Ben Affleck did just that. I was hoping that Ben’s break-up car would be something extra classy like a bright yellow El Camino with an inflatable hot tub on its bed and a license plate that reads: PSSYKNG. But instead, Ben bought a limited-edition 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat.

TMZ says that Ben bought his new panty dropping machine over the phone and he paid $90,000. That car starts at $58,295, but the price grows when you add extra features like a backseat that turns into a bed for 2, a poker table that pops out of the trunk and a drawer under the drivers seat full of fresh panties for lady friends.

Prepare to say goodbye to those chonies as they hit the floor:

Ben Affleck — Nobody Does a Dodge Better than Me (PHOTO) http://t.co/yMKunsTZUF pic.twitter.com/sDPsJ1MMQJ

— TMZ (@TMZ) July 15, 2015

Now Ben just needs to complete the makeover by getting a 20-year-old, gum-chewing girlfriend named Angel, a wardrobe provided by Affliction, a hoop earring, an “on fleek” dick tattoo, calf implants and a sexy new hairstyle like a clip-on rattail. Ben, see Shia LaBeouf if you need help with the last one. He’ll hook up.

And here’s Ben with his dog at his offices in Santa Monica yesterday.

Pics: Splash