Abby, the lawn mower-driving Border Collie!

Monday’s HSOTD was a hard-working member of the canine community who works as a longtime bat dog for a minor league baseball team in South Carolina. So let’s go back to the “Dogs Who Are NOT Lazy And Actually Have Jobs!” theme for today’s HSOTD. Meet Abby, a non-lazy citizen of the world whose human claims that she can ride and drive a riding lawn mower by herself. Err, to me, it looks like she’s just sitting in the lawn mower, but I’ll believe. Abby’s services shouldn’t be needed in California (since our yards should be covered with drought-friendly materials like dirt, rocks, sequins, anal beads, etc…), but there’s still a million lawns that need mowing. This is only a good thing, because soon dogs can do all of our jobs while we sunbathe our nalgas on the driveway. (“You mean to tell me that a half-illiterate, Dyslexic dog whose favorite book is ‘The Gas We Pass’ doesn’t ghost write this shit for you while you sunbathe your nalgas on the driveway?” – every trick who reads this blog)

Here’s to Abby! They see her rollin’, they not hatin’, because she’s actually doing work. (Hint hint to my dog.)

via DPF

Donald Sutherland (80)
Summer Bishil (27)
Tom Fletcher (30)
Sarah Jones (32)
Mike Vogel (36)
Panda Bear (37)
Katharine Towne (37)
Luke Bryan (39)
Carey Hart (40)
Tony Dovolani (42)
Beth Littleford (47)
Heather Langenkamp (51)
Mark Burnett (55)
Fern Britton (58)
Angela Merkel (61)
David Hasselhoff (63)
Lucie Arnaz (64)
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (68)
Diahann Carroll (80)

Ben Affleck wore his wedding ring to the ESPYs and he’s wearing it for his kids, apparently. I’m sure there’s more to it and somebody needs to investigate this! Whoever investigates that also needs to please investigate why his Chuck Woolery circa 1984 hair is doing things to me. I don’t want that feeling – Lainey Gossip

Oh, how I wish Lindsey Vonn’s dress actually had the words “Fuck You Tiger” on the front of it – The Superficial

Halle Berry dragged Gabriel Aubry to court again over money, because I guess she really missed yelling at him and leaking stories about him to TMZ – Celebitchy

Oscar Isaac is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly looking like a Blue Man/Transformers hybrid and yes, I still would – Drunken Stepfather

Nicolle Wallace tries to prove she knows pop culture by reading a bunch of Kartrashian shit off of a teleprompter. You showed us, Nicolle! – Jezebel

Peter Berg is your auntie who posted that “amputee solider vs. Caitlyn Jenner” on Facebook over and over again last night – Towleroad

Fergie Ferg works “the 90s East L.A. hooker going to a funeral” look – Popoholic

Explanation: I have none for the fuckery on Kat Graham’s body – Hollywood Tuna

Vs are great, because it’s the perfect place to rest your hands for a second while you sit on the dude’s face – The Berry 

Just when you thought that Balmain has shoved themselves as far as possible up the Kardashians’ ass, they show you that they can shove themselves even further – Just Jared

Mischa Barton still exists! – Popsugar

Poke at me when the hairy ass of that tattooed wrestler makes its way on the Big Brother feeds – OMG Blog

I didn’t know that Paula Deen was the casting director on The Dark Knight Rises – Pajiba

And somewhere Emmy-nominated Mo’Nique is cackling into the air – SOW

Miley Cyrus and her piece do mouth-to-mouth with a Churro. That poor, delicious Churro – WWTDD

Pic: Getty

I will never ever forgive Anthony Bourdain for calling Royal Academy of Arts-trained tablescape artist and drunk angel Sandra Lee “pure evil” and the “hell spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker.” The only way I’ll ever forgive him is if he takes his show Parts Unknown to a dark and dangerous place called my b-hole. Yes, they’ll have to change the name of the show to Parts Too Known for that episode. However, my mouth still waters when Anthony whips up a good old-fashioned flambéed bowl of cunt stew with a side of mashed snark. Anthony served some of that up during the Atlanta, GA stop of his national tour last Saturday.

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I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.

Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:

“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”

I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.

Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.

Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Last month, Canadian treasure and amateur john Alex Trebek rapped a few lines of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song during a game of Jeopardy! and he convinced us all that he’s harder and a better rapper than Iggy Azalea. Well, Alex is back with another hot track for his (hopefully) upcoming album Now That’s What I Call Music: Alex Trebek Sings The Greats.

On Tuesday night’s episode, Alex had to recite the chorus of RiRi’s “Umbrella” and he laid it down like this. Prepare to pull out some aloe vera, because you’ll need to smear some on your ear holes to soothe the heat that Alex will drop on them.

But really, you know how I called him a “Canadian treasure” above. I take that back. The hell kind of Canadian treasure pronounces his “ehs” like that? But this still is a beautiful cover. Those “ehs” sound like a cross between you doing a fuck effort fake cough while calling in sick and Larry King jizzing. That’s the way the chorus of “Umbrella” is supposed to sound. Thank you, Alex!

via HuffPo