Some people have called Miles Teller (the dude in The Spectacular Now, Whiplash, the new Fantastic Four, etc..) “Shia LaDouche’s understudy,” because he kind of looks like a Shia LaDouche Claymation figure that was sloppily sculpted by someone in a rush. But also because Miles Teller has the potent essence of cocky douche in him.

In past interviews, Miles has spit at the hand that feeds him, looked down at John Cusack’s career and said, “I’ve seen like five minutes of a lot of shit,” when asked if he watched any of J.K. Simmons‘ work before working with him on Whiplash. 28-year-old Miles did a new interview with Esquire and he didn’t really hate on anyone this time around, because he was too busy deep throating his own highball glass of a dick and redefining smug. Miles Teller pretty much went on about how great Miles Teller is. If Miles Teller’s goal was to get people to root for the flying chair while re-watching Whiplash, it might’ve worked!

Continue reading

Brooke Hogan really should’ve quit defending her dad Hulk Hogan after writing that gorgeous poem, because that’s as good as it gets and it will not only go down in literary history as an important work, but future civilizations will consider it the greatest defense of a father. But because Brooke Hogan doesn’t have shit to do and loves attention, she is defending her dad once again. Hulk Hogan mouth farted up a bunch of corroded racist dingles while talking about Brooke dating a black guy in his leaked sex tape. Brooke told Entertainment Tonight that her dad isn’t racist, because he’s best friends with Mr. T (yes, the “MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK” card). She also said that she doesn’t get pissed off when she’s told white people smell like whatever the hell bologna is made of.

“My dad’s best friends with Mr. T, he’s best friends with Dennis Rodman, he’s not racist. It’s just when you’re mad and you’re at the lowest point in your life …. you just choose ill-fitting words for that situation just to air your shorts out. He’s so nice to everybody. He doesn’t talk like that, which is what was so strange about it.”

I feel bad for my dad, but I also feel bad for the African-American fans and stuff because they don’t know that he didn’t mean it. You know, it would be offensive. But this is something that we have to put a stop to everyday, because I’ll be honest with you, I’ve had a black guy call me a honkey, and I’ve also been told that white people smell like bologna. I don’t take offense to it, I just laughed at it.”

Hmmm. To me, Brooke doesn’t look like she smells like bologna. She looks like she smells like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist, the crust around an old bottle of Wet ‘N Wild foundation, peroxide, desperation and that faux coconut scent in some self tanners. But now that she mentions it…. I mean, Hulk Hogan’s hands look like they smell like fried deli meat and Slim Jim grease, so her body must smell like that too.

Pic: Wenn.com

The second Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced that they had filed papers to legally quit each other, I just knew that his one-time piece Peter “Marilyn” Robinson would pop up with a gigantic teapot and spill an entire Celestial Seasonings warehouse. Marilyn didn’t disappoint.

Marilyn was a pop singer who was a star on the British club scene in the 1970s and 1980s, and he has long talked about bumping fuck parts with Gavin Rossdale back in the day. Gavin dribbled out a stream of nopes about the relationship, but he eventually admitted it during an interview in 2010 and brushed it off as a one-time experimentation and a part of growing up. Marilyn said they were in love for 5 years in the 80s and he’s still so heartbroken that he can’t bear to put his lips on another. The drama of it all.

Marilyn is back and is here to tell us, through Radar, about the telephone conversation he had with Gavin Rossdale just a couple of weeks before Gwen filed for divorce.

Continue reading

Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who probably boned Ben Affleck even though he denies it, should set up a class for nannies who want to turn their full-time childcare job into a career in fame whoring, because bitch knows how to hustle and keep her name in the tabloids.

It’s only been a week since the story about Ben doing the nanny came out and Christine has already worked it in a ho stroll photo shoot and starred in a grainy bikini spread that was supposedly taken by a sneaky hotel guest with an iPhone. And now, Radar has posted paparazzi pictures of Christine and Ben that were taken at his rental house in L.A. on July 17th, 16 days after Jennifer Garner fired her. Entertainment Tonight says that these are the pictures that were taken after Christine tipped off the paparazzi. Ben reportedly dumped her ass shortly after.

Continue reading

People of Walmart still have to get there, right? – Shane Yorston

Upvote winner:

A guy who really likes riding bear-back. – Ms Moonlight

Pic: The Chive

Is beer the key to a long life? Agnes Fenton thinks so. She just celebrated her 110th birthday! pic.twitter.com/42SaKLglVA

— Shelby Miller (@SMillerWATE) August 4, 2015

Agnes Fenton, the fountain of wisdom who squirted out the wisest of wise advice on her 110th birthday.

Agnes Fenton of Englewood, NJ did something most hos on earth will never do: she made it to her 110th year of life. Agnes doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, but she’s as modest as she is wise, because she’s a supercentenarian now and there’s only 300 to 600 of them in the world. The Record asked Agnes what the key to beating most bitches in the age game is and she pretty much said the same thing that my favorite medical advisor Pauline Spagnola said on her 100th birthday. Agnes said that the nectar of longevity is found in a can of Miller High Life and a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Fuck Dr. Oz, because that is some real medical advice that obviously works and I should get started on Agnes’ wellness plan by adding a shot of Johnnie Walker to my cup of coffee.

On her 105th birthday, Agnes said that her only real health problem was a benign tumor that was removed a million years ago. Her doctor at the time told her to drink three Miller High Lifes every single day. (Um, I don’t think that doctor is still around, but if he is, can I get his number and make an appointment with him immediately?) So for the past 70 years, she has guzzled down three Miller High Lifes and a shot of Johnnie Walker every single day.

Recently, Agnes’ caretakers haven’t let her have her daily medicine, which is just wrong since they are going against doctor’s orders. But Agnes gets one in every now and again. She also thanks God for her loooooooooong life:

“When I was 100 years old, I went to the mirror to thank God that I was still here. And I thank him every morning. He gave me a long life and a good life, and I have nothing to complain about. … You’ve got to have God in your life. Without God, you’ve got nothing.”

Well, without God, you’ve got the champagne of beers and scotch. No, that’s not true. Without God, we wouldn’t have the sweet nectar, because I’m sure God gave us Miller High Life and Johnnie Walker to get through this life.

In my HSOTD post yesterday, I said that the officer who rescued that baby skunk from a yogurt cup torture device should be our next Secretary of Defense. Well, I think we found our new Surgeon General too!

(For Suck and Fuck)