“When I was a young boy, my father asked if I chopped down the cherry tree. And I said, “I can not tell a lie. Yes, I did it. But I was provoked and responded with comparable retaliation.” – magnusxxx

Upvote winner:

I bet Sarah Palin can also see Putin’s axe from her house. – Calimaria

Pic: Getty

Bubba, the student cat of San Jose, CA!

This story is over 7 days old, which is approximately 45 million years in Internet time, but it’s not every day that I get to pay tribute to a real scholar. The San Jose Mercury News says that Bubba lives with his family in a house behind Leland High School and Bret Harte Middle School. Bubba isn’t the kind of homebody pussy who likes to stay indoors and spend his days taking 8,000 naps and licking his own b-hole. Bubba wants to see the world! But since he hasn’t figured out how to get on a plane yet, he has to settle for the high school.

Bubba has ruled Leland High for years. He roams the hallways, sometimes shows up in class, goes to games and hangs out during sports practices. Bubba even looks like he pays more attention in class than most of the students do (see: the picture above). The staff and students love him and while some cats would rather snuggle with a dog in a pool of ice water than hang out with humans, Bubba loves to socialize. Sometimes it gets him into trouble. One time, students watched him lay down in the middle of the soccer field, because he wanted the players to pet him. (I did that too in high school!)

Bubba is so loved that the students want a statue made in his honor. He’s even got his own Facebook page and administration gave him his own I.D. Yes, Bubba looks better in his high school I.D. card picture than all of us did:

Bubba’s human says that she has high hopes for him. Since Bubba goes to school when it starts and doesn’t leave until all the sports practices are done, he deserves to graduate. His ass put in the work!

“We’d love it if they let him do cap and gown in 2017,” she says. “That’s the group that’s been with him through Bret Harte and Leland.”

Screw, just graduating. Bubba needs to be valedictorian! But really, this seems all sweet and cute and innocent, but I know what’s really going on here. I bet Bubba is only sitting in on math and science classes, because he’s learning everything he needs to know to take over the world. I see you, Bubba!

Pics: Facebook

Melissa McCarthy (45)
Keke Palmer (22)
Dylan O’Brien (24)
James Harden (26)
Evan Ross (27)
Cassie Ventura (29)
John Mulaney (33)
Macaulay Culkin (35)
Chris Pine (35)
Thalía (44)
Adrian Young of No Doubt (46)
Shirley Manson (49)
Chris Burke (50)
Branford Marsalis (55)
Wanda De Jesus (57)
Brett Cullen (59)
Valerie Simpson (69)
Barbet Schroeder (74)

Pic: W Magazine

Kanye West will receive the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award at the MTV VMAs this Sunday. Since Beyonce is Kanye’s God, he better snatch the award from himself and give it to her even though she already has one of those – Lainey Gossip 

The time smooth home wrecker Jack Nicholson asked Lara Flynn Boyle out right in front of David Spade – Celebitchy

Instead of doing The Voice, Missy Elliott should’ve brought back her UPN reality show from 2005 – Reality Tea 

How kind and charitable of Bai Ling to pose with a bunch of gutter trash lessers – Drunken Stepfather

Miranda Kerr is subtle – The Superficial 

John Landis’ son wonders why no one went to see a movie starring the dude from The Social Network and Kristen Stewart – IDLYITW

Pussy outsmarts human: Take 4,567,988 – Hollywood Tuna 

RENTBOY.COM HAS BEEN RAIDED! Fuck, there goes my sex life – Towleroad

Thanks for playing, Nicole Scherzinger, but Phoebe Price you are not! – Popoholic

Johnny Depp’s daughter came out as not straight – OMG Blog

Kristen Stewart plays a mean Coco Chanel in a short film directed by Kunty Karl. That mess sounds like a video that governments will use to torture their prisoners with – Jezebel

Joanna Krupa did an iPhone photo shoot in the Dead Sea. I can almost hear Brandi Glanville saying, “They probably have to call it the Deader Sea now that Joanna Krupa’s stank puss has taken a dip in it.” – The Nip Slip 

I haven’t seen a bear roll like this since my friend Joe got high on Ecstasy – The Berry 

All of the Bill Cosby allegations disgust Lisa Bonet, so says Zoe Kravitz – HuffPo

Calvin Harris shit on The Daily Mail for allegedly faking a tweet and he also let us know that Azerbaijan is one of his favorite countries – Just Jared

Trainwreck alert: New York, Sister Pollard, White Oprah and Michael Lohan are all doing a reality show together. I fully expect every crew member of that reality shit show to check into rehab after filming, because they’ll probably develop a booze and bad shit addiction while trying to deal with those messes – Madame Noire

Bow down before Rayanne from My So-Called Life, because she is a British countess now. And that gorgeous picture of her and her husband looks like a promo ad for a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie from 1985 – The Daily Beast

Work that deep V, Jude Law – Popsugar

Pic: Getty

Something called the World Go Topless Parade happened in Venice Beach, CA on Sunday and when you throw an event in L.A. with the word “topless” in it, you can expect international supermodel and timeless beauty Phoebe Price to magically drop from the sky and grace it with her gorgeous presence. An event with the word “topless” in it is her bat signal.

After Chicken Cutlets became a living floral float of ginger perfection in the World Go Topless Parade, she gave a WORLD EXCLUSIVE photo shoot to the paparazzo she called. Ron Howard probably wishes he would’ve waited 30 years to make Splash, because Daryl Hannah truly can’t hold a candle, match, lighthouse, etc to PP as a mermaid. While working elegant mermaid bell bottoms and a 99 Cent Store plastic shell bra (or maybe those are paper plates she pulled out of a trash can), PP gave the camera some Chicken Cutlets of the Sea demureness. You can’t tell from these pictures, but several ships crashed into sandbars that day, because PP’s ethereal mermaid beauty lured the sailors in.

If Disney ever gets around to making the live-action Little Mermaid, they have found their star!  Although, they’ll have to add a scene that explains why Ariel licks all the thingamabobs in her cave like they’re peens and why she has a pap following her around instead of a crab.

Here’s more pictures of PP displaying beach beauty and split freckled ass cakes.

Pics: Wenn.com

I can’t believe I’m about to type these words, but I wish I was at the Taylor Swift show in L.A. last night. But only because Alanis Morissette and Natalie Maines sang a duet with her. Do they even serve booze at a Taylor Swift concert or do they only serve fresh strawberry lemonade she made herself backstage? Because I’d need two kegs full of something brain-killing to deal with the uneducated children asking their parents, “What is an Alanis?” Any child who doesn’t know who Alanis Morissette is, is a child left behind.

Taylor’s Love Boat episode of a tour continued to pack in the guest stars last night. During her 3rd show at the Staples Center, Tay Tay sang “Goodbye Earl” with Natalie Maines, danced with Ellen DeGeneres and sang “You Oughta Know” with the true Queen of Break-Up Songs Alanis Morissette. Lainey Gossip says that Taylor gave this little speech before Alanis came out:

“She defined the music of her decade. She inspired a generation of confessional female singer-songwriters who all of a sudden felt like you could actually say these raw feelings that you had. You could actually sing about your real life, you could put detail to it, you could get really, really mad if you wanted to. And I think it is fair to say that so many of the female singer-songwriters of my generation, including myself, would not write the way that we do without her and her music. And she has written some of the most brilliant music—in particular probably inarguably the greatest breakup song of all-time.”

Well, Taylor Swift should date and get dumped by Dave Coulier and she too may be able to write a gloriously rage-filled break-up song like that. Here’s a clip of Alanis and Tay Tay performing it:

“Mommy, why is she going down him in a theater?” – the same child who asked who Alanis Morissette was. (Side note: When I worked at Disneyland, there was a band in Tomorrowland who would perform popular songs of the time. They did “You Oughta Know” all the time. They G-rated it up for the kids by changing the lyric “would she go down on you in a theater” to “would she take you out to the theater.”)

While I appreciate and love that Taylor brought Alanis out, she should’ve quit trying to do sexy angry and let the master work.

Pic: Getty