And here’s Spanky the English bulldog doing an amazing impersonation of Brit Brit Spears performing in her Las Vegas show (or an impersonation of you reading Dlisted today).

I can hear some of you saying, “Spanky, go home, you’re drunk.” Um, that’s what Spanky is trying to do! But he can’t make it home, because his drunk lazy body keeps wanting to go mimi times. Haven’t we all been there, though? This is exactly why I try to do all of my boozing in bed. Because the longest and hardest journey is the drunk journey from the sofa to the bed.

via Tastefully Offensive

That “help me” side-eye says everything that needs to be said and the post should probably end here.

Chris Brown’s custody/money fight with Nia Guzman, the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Royalty, has come to an end and he got everything he wanted and she got everything she didn’t want. TMZ says that Nia Guzman was fighting for sole custody. She wanted Chris to only get supervised visits and she also wanted $15,000 a month in child support. The judge in Houston popped that dream bubble hovering above Nia’s head.

This morning, the judge declared that Chris and Nia will share 50/50 custody of Royalty, which means the child will be shuffled back and forth between her daddy’s house and her mommy’s house every 4 days. Chris and Nia both live in L.A. right now. And Nia can go ahead and stop negotiating the lease on a brand new Bentley and she can stop shopping for an upgraded condo, because she’s not getting that $15,000 a month. The judge ordered that Chris Brown has to pay her the same amount he’s currently paying her: $2,500 a month.

Well, since Royalty will be living with Chris Brown half of the time, his gang member friends can teach her some gang signs which she can show her little classmates during kindergarten show-and-tell in a few years. So there’s that.

But really, since it’s Friday and there’s a fully stocked bong calling my name, I’m going to try to think positively. Chris Brown has proven time and time again that he’s an oozing foreskin pimple that shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi, but maybe being a full-time father will soften his violent asshole ways. Miracles do happen! I mean, look at Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s twins. It looked like their future was seriously bleak for a while, but I haven’t really heard anything about them lately, so maybe their parents finally got their shit together? (Cut to Charlie and Brooke’s twins living a happy, healthy life in the mountains with their new family, the wolves, while their parents haven’t even realized that they’re gone.)

Pic: Wenn.com

Vanessa Williams is supposed to make her grand return to the Miss America pageant on Sunday where she’ll be the head judge and will get her crown reinstated after she was forced to give it up in 1984 over some (NSFW) naked pictures that wouldn’t even make a virgin catholic nun clutch her bib today. Okay, a virgin catholic nun may let out a soft, “santo dios,” after looking at the picture of another woman pretending to tongue polish her wrinkled butt crown.

Back in 1984, Vanessa became the first African American woman to be crowned Miss America and ten months into her reign, she was told that naked girl-on-girl pictures she took before her pageant days were going to be published in Penthouse. Vanessa said that she never signed a release for the pictures and thought they were destroyed. It was a major ESCANDALO at the time and the Miss America Organization pressed her into stepping off of the throne. The runner-up, Suzette Charles, got the crown and is still considered Miss America 1984.

Because it’s the 95th anniversary of the pageant and they want people to watch that shit, they got Vanessa Williams to come back. But TMZ says that there’s a chance she may pull out, because she and the Miss America Organization aren’t agreeing on who should say, “I’m sowwy.”

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Jessica Simpson is still doing the media rounds to promote the 10th anniversary of being the luckiest bitch alive because she’s become mega rich from pointing at a pair of shoes in a line-up of samples while saying, “Purdy! Make those!” Jessica did an interview with CNBC’s Kelly Evans about her billion dollar business, her brand and decisions she’s made with her money. Jessica mostly just said that she has great people around her who have helped her build her fashion empire and have invested her millions of dollars well. When Kelly asked her what are some mistakes she’s made with her money, she paused for a second while the stoned hamster who runs her brain pulled his ass off of the sofa to jump on the wheel. Once he started running, Jessica said her first marriage was her biggest financial oops.

Kelly: What are some of the biggest money mistakes you’ve made, whether personally or with the business, that have helped you grow?

Jessica: The biggest money mistakes…. Hmmmm… I don’t know. For some reason I thought of my first marriage!

Kelly: That’s actually a common answer believe it or not.

Maybe TMZ got it wrong in 2006 and Nick Lachey stuffed a whole lot of cash between his juicy man pecs in the divorce. Because at the time, TMZ said that Nick agreed to take a smaller cut of their assets, because he didn’t want to deal with an ugly court fight. Jessica refused to sign a prenup when they got married, so under California law, their assets were to be divided up 50/50. But shady and greedy Papa Joe reportedly figured that Nick wouldn’t want to go through a messy court battle, so Papa Joe offered him $1.5 million to go away. Nick shat on that offer and they eventually agreed on a number. Nick apparently got more than $1.5 million but a lot less than 50% of their $36 million fortune. So if that report is right, then Jessica didn’t do so bad in the divorce. Besides, without that marriage and Newlyweds, she might not have her billion dollar brand and would be co-headlining a residency at a casino resort in Laughlin, NV with an Ace of Base cover band (actually, that sounds like a pretty glamorous gig). And Nick Lachey deserved EVERYTHING for suffering through that alleged game of grab ass with Papa Joe.

And here’s Jessica catching flies in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

James Franco is always giving himself a hand job, self-sucking himself off and tongue boning his own b-hole. I mean that both figuratively and literally (he’s very flexible). So it was inevitable that we’d one day see James Franco getting James Franco off. In an episode of the AOL web series Making A Scene with James Franco, the world of Sex and the City crosses over into the world of Breaking Bad and there’s a fuck scene where James Franco as Walter White gives to James Franco as Carrie Bradshaw from behind. Alicia Silverstone is also in the episode as Charlotte (???).

AOL shit up a sneak peak of the episode and I watched it last night for some reason. The image of James Franco doing James Franco in bad drag is stuck in the deep parts of my brain. So I’m passing this clip on to you in hopes that the images stuck in the deep part of my brain will also be passed to you. It’s kind of like a more terrifying It Follows. James Franco fucking James Franco is at the 1:34 mark.

You’re going to need a palate cleanser after that, so here’s a classic GIF of the other Franco showing Franco how a Franco really fucks a Franco:

The photo that finally made FTD regret their “say it with flowers” campaign. – Jedeva

Upvote winner:

I wouldn’t eat any chocolate found on those sheets. – watagump1.

Pic: Izismile