Fun fact you really wanted to know: “Top ginge” is also the keyword I use most when searching the casual encounters section of Craigslist.

Prince Hot Ginge is truly a giver (wink wink), because today is his born day and instead of taking gifts, he has given us the gift of his thigh-burning ginger beard. PHG spent his birthday morning making the sun feel inadequate by showing off his, bright, shiny burning fire beard at the Goodwood Aerodrome in Chichester, West Sussex.

Some of you hateful, hurtful whores have e-mailed me before to point out that like Prince William, PHG’s glorious natural ginger locks are falling off of his head. Yes, the top of PHG’s head is looking a little like the top of a baby eagle’s head, but who cares? He’s still got a head covered with a stunning ginger forest and now he’s got a flame beard that makes him look like a lumbersexual royale.

And here’s more pictures of Top Ginge on this special day. All together now: “Tuuuuurning and returning to some secret place to fiiiind, watching in slow motion as you turn to me and say, my looove.”

Pics: Splash

A little over two months ago, this country changed forever when we learned that our supply of delicious donuts (aka this country’s official food) is being tainted by the toxic saliva of an evil demon trapped inside of a Baby Bratz doll. Thanks to Ariana Grande Latte, I cannot buy a donut unless it has been inspected thoroughly for Ariana saliva.

Ariana Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte has never come out and said the words, “I APOLOGIZE TO DONUTS,” but she has apologized for fat-shaming and for saying she hates America. I have not and will not forgive her until she apologizes to donuts and their admirers. Well, Ariana peddled her new bottle of stank (which probably smells like the blood of a bald eagle, fat people tears and donut mold) on Good Morning America today and she continued to backpedal on her pink Big Wheels by dribbling out yet another apology. And Ariana’s latest apology failed once again to mention the only thing that matters: DONUTS! Ariana burped this up this little fake apology:

“First of all, I mean, my behavior was very offensive and I apologize. There’s no excuse or there’s nothing to justify it. As human beings we all say and do things we don’t mean at all sometimes. And we have to learn from it. That’s part of our process. We have to learn from our mistakes and that’s how we grow.”

I wouldn’t call spit bombing a donut a “mistake.” I’d call it an act of war. And I bet that right after Ariana gave her latest publicist-written apology, she hocked several loogies on donuts in the green room and then head-butted a fat American’s knee cap for fun.

And here’s Thumbelina’s evil twin carrying a regular-sized bottle of her perfume outside of GMA today.

Pics: Splash

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp have pretty much moved onto the red carpet at the Toronto International Film Festival, because it feels like at every single event, she’s there oozing out John Roberts Powers-approved facial expressions while he stands next to her looking about as thrilled as Kim Davis at a gay wedding. And at last night’s premiere of Black Mass, they were at it again, but this time, they turned it up by touching mouths for the photographers.

It’s freeeeeezing in many parts of Southern California today (it’s low 70s and raining, please send a million good thoughts my way during this difficult time) and if you’re suffering with me, then I have some good news for the both of us. We don’t have to turn on our heaters, because we can warm our parts by putting them in front of that picture of Amber and Johnny giving off too much heat. The burning flames of passion are shooting off of them while she looks like she’s about as asleep as Spanky the Bulldog and he looks like he’s picturing her as a giant whiskey bottle. My Prince Hot Ginge cardboard cutout and I give off more heat when we kiss.

And I was going to hate on Johnny for that sloppy eyeliner, that pube-like struggle goatee and that hair that looks like it was dyed with shoe polish, but then I saw this picture:

Dude killed all of my hate with his accessory game. When all else fails, work some bejeweled safety pin earrings and janky silver teeth you ripped out of a dead pirate’s mouth.

Pics: FameFlynet, Getty

And now here’s something from the department of: MOTHERFUCK WHY, HILLARY, WHY!!!!?!!!!!

Last month, Hillary Clinton took a selfie and talked with the President of the United States of Yeezus, Kanye West, and his plastic creation Kim Kartrashian at a fundraiser , because I guess she figured that the golden showers lovers demographic is still a demographic she can get votes from. That selfie scared me more than a closed sign on an In-N-Out, but Hillary’s gotta hustle and believe it or not, the Kartrashians kult is full of brainwashed followers who will do whatever they say (proof: the fact that they still exist). But Hillary went too, too far last night…

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A weird thing happened on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases last night. Gary Busey’s partner Anna Trebunskaya showed up and actually performed. I figured that the only moving she’d be doing is rocking back and forth in a padded room after every one of her nerves split from trying to teach Gary Busey how to do the Cha Cha Cha. But Anna must have the patience and nerves of Terrence Howard’s hostage wife, because her sanity has survived rehearsal with Gary Busey and they both laid down a thousand sweet moves during last night’s season premiere.

At the end of the night, The Teeth and Anna were grouped up with the bottom barrel bitches (Paula Deen, Kim Zolciak, Chaka Khan and Victor Espinosa), because they only got a total score of 15 from the judges. The judges are obviously too mainstream and are judging based on stupid shit like technique and skills instead of judging based on charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Gary became the winner of my heart when he took the floor and danced like a drunk grizzly bear meets Herman Munster on Ambien. (Steven Seagal must be giving Gary dance lessons on the side). Click to the 1:53 mark to get into the hot moves that Gary served up (and stay for the post-dance Buseyisms he gifted us with. All the good shit in the world couldn’t turn Jaden Smith into the profound philosopher that Gary Busey is):

And if you care, here’s the Butter Empress Paula Deen dancing the QuickStep. She’s as stiff as the clit boner she gets while watching The Birth of a Nation.

If you stayed to hear Paula say, “I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more,” you probably aren’t sitting in front of your screen anymore, because you’re dry heaving into a trash can. I’m surprised that Paula stopped there and didn’t say, “The back part of my panties are as brown as my cook and the front part are as yallaw as my manny-curr-est!”

It was an insanely bad idea to hold the chili eating contest immediately before the chicken fights. – citizenstrange

Upvote winner:

When His laxative kicked in, Lee knew this would be His first and last invite to a pile on. – nightflyer001

Pic: Break