SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: MIGHT CAUSE CONSTIPATION BY SCARING THE FECES BACK IN. – OurMissC

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I want a refund! This roll is already full of shit. – snatchural

Pic: TAC (Thanks, Stacy!)

Tigger, the kleptokitty of Gladstone, Oregon!

Just like Oscar and Frankie, Tigger is Lindsay Lohan-ing a neighborhood in Gladstone.

4-year-old Tigger developed a thirst for thieving when he was just 1 years old and he’s been pussy snatching all sorts of stuff from the neighborhood ever since. Tigger’s human, Dave Kampas, tell the NYDN that 3 years ago, he noticed a bunch of trash on his porch and driveway. Dave has a few pussies and he couldn’t figure out which one of them is a regular Winona Ryder so he bought a trail cam and caught Tigger in the act.

Tigger has stolen all sorts of crap and trash including Batman action figures, panties, clothes and half-eaten food. Dave donates most of Tigger’s booty to the Goodwill, because what’s he going to do with that trash? But well, one time, Tigger finally brought home a useful precious gem. Tigger stole a weed bud. Dave acts like he wasn’t happy about that and if he isn’t, I’ll gladly adopt Tigger, because I could use a weed bandit pussy in my life.

“It was just a little bud, but it was definitely weed. I’m sure he got that from over here by the high school. I told him, ‘you can’t be bringing this stuff home!”

The best part of this story is that Dave is a police sergeant. Tigger breaks the law almost every single day and does it right in front of his police sergeant human’s face. Bold pussy doesn’t give one fuck. Tigger likes to do bad things and knows that Sgt. Dave isn’t going to do anything about it. Tigger is living that hood rat cat stuff life to the fullest.

Pic: Facebook

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Pic: Esquire China

Justin Timberlake did another sketch with his main boo Jimmy Fallon for The Tonight Show and the only thing I really have to say is that it looks he finally tamed and conquered the flat iron. JT is exuding the confidence of a flat iron master who isn’t even worried at all about humidity screwing with his beauty. Work those straight locks, bitch – Lainey Gossip 

Mel Gibson may have put child #9 into his 26-year-old piece. The cool Pope responded by saying that yeah, the church is technically against vasectomies, but I’m sure God won’t mind at all if Mel stops spawning by getting a little snip – Celebitchy

The next time Kenya Moore hires another boyfriend, she should do a quick background check first – Reality Tea 

Excuse me while I slap myself for thinking this was a picture of Katey Sagal as Peg Bundy – Drunken Stepfather

One of Kylie Jenner’s bodyguards (yes, she has those) shoved Jessica Alba at some fashion show. Are we sure it was one of  Kylie’s bodyguards? Are we sure she just didn’t turn to the side and her Tupperware party ass knocked Jessica Alba over? – The Superficial 

Facebook is adding a dislike button, which will please us hating hos who like to hate on everything – OMG Blog

This goes out to all the old bitches who have nearly lost it when an uneducated young gay asks, “Who’s John Waters?” – Towleroad

I see that the publicists for The Voice are doing their jobs – IDLYITW

Gretchen Rossi and Slade Slimey are still getting invited to things – Hollywood Tuna 

I don’t know what Howard Johnson hostesses wore in the 1960s, but I’m guessing their uniform looked a lot like what Emmy Rossum is wearing – Popoholic

Nip at Wang: Nicki Minaj’s nipple plate peeked out at the Alexander Wang show – The Nip Slip 

Amber Rose has the right idea – Jezebel

The trailer for Disney’s live-action Jungle Book movie isn’t awful – HuffPo

If you’re a dude, don’t put your arm around Dame Helen Mirren, because you don’t own her, or something…- ICYDK

BREAKING: Leonardo DiCatchAHo  finally got the gardener to prune his overgrown coochie bush beard – Popsugar

Janis Joplin’s car can be yours for the low price of…why bother, none of us can afford that shit anyway – The Berry 

Elizabeth Banks is probably going to direct a reboot of the reboot of Charlie’s Angels – /Film

After I shat up my last post about BerJohnny, a few of you threw me a link to something very important I missed: a video of Amber Heard giving her mother a quick tip to use when dealing with the media. Amber brought her mom to last night’s TIFF premiere of her husband’s movie Black Mass. While waiting for her daughter to finish giving FACE! FACE! FACE! to the photographers, Amber’s mom told a camera dude from KIIS 92.5 who she is. Amber’s mom and the camera dude didn’t get to talk for very long, because Amber swooped in and told her mom the same thing my friend told me when I was 18 and he took me to a gay porn theater: NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!

I’m not sure why Amber told her mom not to meet eyes with the camera dudes at movie premieres? Maybe Amber never makes eye contact with them, because she’s afraid that they’ll try to eat her soul and then they’ll figure out that she doesn’t have one! Whatever the case may be, Amber shouldn’t snap at her mom in public, because then her mom is totally not going to visit her when she’s sent to an Australian prison for Yorkie-smuggling.

Pic: Splash

Ellen DeGeneres was on Howard Stern’s Sirius show last week and she threw a side-eye at Caitlyn Jenner’s feelings about same-sex marriage. When Caitlyn was on Ellen’s show, the topic of dudes marrying dudes and chicks marrying chicks was brought up and she didn’t seem that thrilled about it. Caitlyn said that she’s a traditional Republican and used to think that marriage should only be between a dude and a chick, but she’s evolved and thinks that if “marriage is really important to you, go for it.” Ellen and everyone took that as a shrug, so she called Caitlyn out on Howard Stern. Well, Caitlyn cleared it all up in a note on her site.

Caitlyn writes that after talking to gay people, a light bulb popped up over her head and now she’s 100% for everyone being able to get married. Here’s a piece of what she wrote:

I want to help each of you understand something that I only recently embraced: Being different is okay – in fact, it’s great! But I also understand it takes some getting used to. Like many people, there was a time when I didn’t realize how important it is for gay couples to have the right to get married. But after hearing from my gay friends and learning more about the hardships they faced because of discrimination, it became clear to me that everyone should be able to marry the person they love. I can only hope that by sharing my story, there’s someone out there whose mind has been changed about trans people.

Sometimes it takes us a minute to have that aha! moment. (Yes, I too hate myself for quoting Oprah.) Sure, Caitlyn Jenner’s aha! moment probably came when an executive at E! called her up, cursed her out and told her that she better fix it with a publicist-written post on her site or else she’ll never be asked to be the Grand Marshal of a gay Pride parade and then they won’t have footage for the premiere episode of season 2 of her reality show…. But, she still had that aha! moment.

Pic: Warner bros.