The CDC has just issued a CODE RED and an expert team that handles biological threats has been put on 24-hour call, because if this rumor is true, who knows what kind of flesh-eating diseases and creatures will be unleashed on the world from Miley Cyrus licking on Dane Cook’s dick with her smegma-covered tongue.

Just a couple of months ago, Miley Cyrus was “caught” by the paps finger fucking and making out with Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. Well, a source tells UsWeekly that Miley’s finger may also be butt banging every early-aughts frat boy’s favorite comedian Dane Cook. 22-year-old Miley and 44-year-old Dane have been friends for a few years and they’ve apparently taken things from “friends” to “hump buddies.” Let’s all put on Hazmat suits and hold each other, because I know we’re all scared right now. Dane did not confirm or deny this terrifying news when E! asked him about it. He only said this:

“I’m always the last to know these things. Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”

I read that as an “eating out” joke and that means they’re totally fucking. I blame Mickey Mouse’s evil ass. Because it feels like everything Miley does, she does to prove to us that she’s no longer that squeaky clean, wholesome Disney star. When she rubbed her raw chicken paillard ass against Robin Thicke, we all said, “Okay, we get it.” When she posted pictures of her dyed cotton candy pube bush, we all said, “You’re edgy. Got it.” But now she’s gone TOO far by fucking Dane Cook. It’s all fun, games and cock until an all-powerful fast-mutating strain is created and destroys us all. Isn’t this how The Strain started?

Pic: Instagram

Last week, I posted pictures of Chuck Bass working the kind of Euro hustler ensemble that Adrien Brody would work the hell out of, and as soon as I hit the publish button, I was filled with a cheap, dirty feeling of regret (and usually I’m sooooo into feeling like that). How dare I betray the seesaw brow’d smooth one by drooling over pictures of the Great Value version of him. I will never make that mistake again and I really don’t deserve these pictures of the raven-haired Roger Klotz spreading his sexiness and beauty at the TIFF premiere of his movie Septembers of Shiraz. But I’ll take them, cherish them and save them directly to the fap folder on my desktop.

Here’s more pictures of Adrien, Adrien’s hot ponytail, his co-star Salma Hayek and the movie’s producer and Hollywood’s #1 supplier of Scottish dick cheese Gerard Butler.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.

Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.

I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.

Today adidas long term partner @kanyewest presented a collection as a designer in his own right. Congrats, Mr. West! pic.twitter.com/MRPM7vMlul

— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015

They all look like sad used condoms.

Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…

Pics: Splash, Instagram

Technically, I haven’t been waiting for a gay remake of Hart to Hart, because I didn’t know it was possible. It’s one of those things that I didn’t know I needed in my life until now. Sure, if Hollywood is going to make a show about a glamorous crime solver whose hunger for catching killers is as strong as their hunger for the finer things in life, they should make a show about Detective La Toya Jackson, but this is the next best thing. I usually hate remakes more than lube that dries too fast, but I can’t hate on the return of Hart to Hart.

Deadline reports that NBC is working on a reboot of the classic, which ran from 1979 to 1984 and starred Robert Wagner as Jonathan Hart and Stefanie Powers as the glamour goddess Jennifer Hart. In the reboot, Jonathan and Jennifer Hart have been replaced by an opulent jet-settling gay couple who travel the world solving crimes.

Written by Christopher Fife (Revenge, Private Practice), based on the Sidney Sheldon-created original, the new Hart To Hart is described as a modern and sexy retelling of the classic series that focuses on “by the book” attorney Jonathan Hart and free-spirited investigator Dan Hartman, who must balance the two sides of their life: action-packed crime-solving in the midst of newly found domesticity. The project, which has received a script commitment plus penalty after interest from multiple networks, is executive produced by Fife and Carol Mendelsohn Prods.’ Mendelsohn and Julie Weitz.

I’m not going to get too excited over this, though, because it’s in development, which means it could spend the rest of its life eating dust on the shelves while shit like a teenage remake of Bewitched starring Lorde (that wasn’t a suggestion, Hollywood) gets made. So I won’t believe it until I see a trailer of the gay Hart to Hart starring Harald Gloockler, John Barrowman and Stefanie Powers as Maxine (that was a suggestion, Hollywood).

Emily SmokeABlunt is married to an American, her kid is American and she lives in America, so she decided to become an American citizen. Even though Emily is an (in the voice of Laura Jeanne Poon) AMERICAN CITIZEN now, she hasn’t lost her British sense of humor, which is drier than the chapped b-holes of the Fox & Friends hosts who didn’t like her joke about the Republican presidential debate, among other things.

Continue reading

Ariana Grande Latte, the human form of a yappy teacup Yorkie in a baby pink knock-off Chanel bag, is still trying to get us to forgive and forget about how she contaminated deep fried rings of perfection covered in the jizz of virgin angels (aka icing). Ariana Grande Latte slobbered out a thin river of bullshit in the form of an apology yesterday morning, and last night, she tried to distract us from her donut wrongdoings by doing impersonations of pop stars (who would NEVER disrespect a donut) with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show.

Ariana did her impersonation of the GREATEST SINGUH IN DUH WORLD on The Tonight Show before and she did it again last night. She also did Brit Brit Spears and Xtina. I got two things out of this clip: Jimmy Fallon is that over-the-top dad at the talent show who everyone throws “sit the fuck down” eyes at when he squeals, claps and loses it over everything his kid does. Also, Ariana doesn’t know about a thing called “contacts,” or maybe her intense hatred of donuts blinds her from time to time.

Not bad, but I’d be more impressed if she did a believable impersonation of a human with a heart who actually regrets hurting donuts!!!!