Sean Penn Is Suing Lee Daniels For Calling Him A Lady Beater

/ September 22, 2015

Sean Penn has proven time and time again that he has the temper of a hungover demon with a herpes flare-up and we’ve all heard that story about he allegedly tied Madonna to a chair and beat her in a drunken rage while they were married. But if you dare call Sean Penn a violent woman beater, he’ll beat you in the head with a $10 million defamation lawsuit.

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Now THIS Is An Act Of Pure Love

/ September 22, 2015

A new line needs to be added to all marriage vows. Before you’re officially declared married, you need to shout out an ALL-CAPS, bolded, italicized “FUCK YES” to the following: “Do you promise to love, honor, and trust your piece in sickness and in health, and also let them spit their gum into your mouth if they win an award and need to give a speech?

Distractify posted a series of GIFS as evidence that expert penguin purse holder Peter Dinklage spit his gum into the mouth of his wife of 10 years, Erica Schmidt, before he went onto the stage to accept the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. When Peter’s name was called, he kissed Erica, pulled away, realized he’s chewing gum and it looked like she put out her hand like, “Dump it in my hand.” Peter then went in for another kiss and that’s when the two may have redefined the meaning of “true love” by passing that chewed-up piece of gum. Peter sort of confirmed the whole act of touching, heartwarming sweetness by telling the audience, “I wasn’t prepared at all. I was even chewing gum.” Pull out your Detective La Toya® brand magnifying glass to see for yourself if Erica proved that she’s ride chew or die:

The evidence says: SHE DID!. That is almost “stick your finger up my ass and pop my stubborn doody bubble” levels of real love. And this isn’t really “snowballing” since they’re passing a wad of gum instead of a cum load. So what do we call this? Gumballin’?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Azealia Banks Went Full Azealia Banks On A Plane

/ September 22, 2015

It’s nice to know that Azealia Banks doesn’t only mouth fart up the “faggot” word and bust out massive amounts of crazy on Twitter. Azealia Banks does it in the world outside of Twitter too! At least she’s consistently HER.

Iggy Azalea’s #1 fan (served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) and a sort-of supporter of Donald Trump’s thoughts on immigration (not served on a plate of freshly washed sarcasm) was on a flight from NYC to LAX early this morning and she gave passengers several servings of her signature messiness when the plane landed. A passenger tells TMZ that after the plane landed at 1 this morning, Azealia was more than ready to get off of that bitch and she grabbed her bag before quickly making her way to the exit. Azealia was in the 6th row and her plan to get off the plane first was blocked by a French couple in the 3rd row. The couple was in the aisle getting their bags from the overhead and when Azealia tried to squeeze by them, the French dude “put his hand out” to block her. That little move switched Azalea’s switch and bitch went off on him in more ways than one.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ September 22, 2015

Lynsi Lavelle Snyder-Martinez-Torres-Ellingson, the reigning Queen of In-N-Out!

This HSOTD has been a long time coming and as a California-born disciple of In-N-Out, I should honor her monthly. Lynsi Snyder is the luckiest human being alive, because she was born into a West Coast burger empire and solely holds the key to the emporium of heavenly deliciousness. Lynsi is the only grandchild of Harry and Esther Snyder, the saints who created the first In-N-Out in Baldwin Park, CA in 1948.

In-N-Out’s business philosophy has always been to never go public, never franchise out and keep it in the family as much as possible. All but one of In-N-Out’s presidents have been a blood member of the Snyder family. Lynsi’s uncle was the head of In-N-Out until he died in a plane crash in 1993 and her father took over until he died of an accidental overdose in 1999. Lynsi became president in 2010 and she currently owns 50% of the company and will get 100% ownership when she turns 35 in 2 years. In-N-Out has been valued at $1.1 billion, making Lynsi the second youngest lady billionaire in America. (Elizabeth Holmes who founded a blood test company when she was 19 is the youngest lady billionaire in America.)

If I was the sole heir of the In-N-Out dynasty, I’d spend my nights opening my mouth as my servants shoved Double Doubles into my eating hole with a golden shovel and I’d spend my days barging into meetings Alexis Carrington-style to say, “Gentleman, I am MAJORITY shareholder of this company,” just for the fun of it. But when Lynsi isn’t busy running the most important company in the world, she drag races competitively. (I’m talking about the sport that involves cars, not the better sport that involves wigs and lip-synching.)

33-year-old Lynsi is also on her fourth husband and she’s got 4 kids who will one day inherit the In-N-Out throne. In every article I’ve read about her, they call her extremely reclusive, so you probably won’t ever see her drunkenly throwing raw burger meat at her arch rival on an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Apparently, Lynsi hardly gives interviews, but she recently gave a RARE interview to CBS This Morning where she talked about all things In-N-Out.

Oh, why can’t all of us be a three-time divorced, drag-racing reclusive burger heir?

Pic: OC Register

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Birthday Sluts

/ September 22, 2015

Tatiana Maslany (30)
Tom Felton (28)
Rima Fakih (30)
Godfrey Gao (31)
Laura Vandervoort (31)
Katie Lowes (33)
Billie Piper (33)
Daniella Alonso (37)
Mireille Enos (40)
Matthew Rush (43)
Chris Tallman (45)
Mystikal (45)
Bonnie Hunt (54)
Catherine Oxenberg (54)
Scott Baio (55)
Tai Babilonia (56)
Andrea Bocelli (57)
Joan Jett (57)
Nick Cave (58)
Johnette Napolitano (58)
Debby Boone (59)
Shari Belafonte (61)
Toni Basil (72)
Tommy Lasorda (88)

Pic: Instagram

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