I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.

The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!

Pics: Wenn.com

When goth ferret Rooney Mara was cast as Tiger Lily in the 1,856,456th version of Peter Pan, some people raged over the whitewashing of it all and others shrugged it off while saying, “I sort of see it.” I mean, if you shake your head until you’ve got the dizzies and then squint while looking at Rooney Mara, she sort of looks Asian and Asian is practically Native American in Hollywood, right?

At the NYC premiere of Pan (pictures below), Rooney told People that before she even met with director Joe Wright about the role, she thought to herself, “Err, maybe me, a white chick, playing Tiger Lily isn’t the greatest idea.” It’s not like Rooney needs the money, because she comes from an NFL dynasty and if she needs a lot of money all she has to do is put her hands under her uncle’s butt and ask him to fart out a few diamonds and gold coins for her. But when Rooney met with Joe and heard his vision, she wanted in. In other words, they totally did peyote together. Rooney said this about the shit she got for taking the role:

“It wasn’t great. I felt really bad about it. It was something that I thought about before I met with Joe. When I met with Joe and heard what his plans for it were, it was something I really wanted to be a part of. But I totally sympathize with why people were upset and feel really bad about it.”

Translation: “I don’t give a shit.” No, that’s not fair to say. Rooney said she felt really bad about it twice, so she obviously felt really bad about it. Based on the reviews, people who see Pan this weekend may feel “really bad” that they paid actual money for tickets to it. And whenever I see that still from Pan of Rooney Mara, I don’t see Tiger Lily at all. I just see a raver who did too much molly at an Anthropologie and got twisted up in the curtain section.

Pics: Wenn.com

If you can’t with Kanye today, just let the hipster lumberjack behind him express your thoughts and feelings for you so you can keep it moving. And no, I don’t know if that’s stretched-out pizza dough or a big cum web on Kanye’s body.

Kanye West must not know who Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, Yohji Yamamoto and Robert Cavalli are, because he thinks it’s hard out there for a straight dude in the fashion world. Kanye did a 2-hour long interview for SHOWStudio’s “In Camera” series (via HuffPo) and strangely enough, after 25 minutes of listening to him talk, the interviewer didn’t bang her head against the floor until her skull cracked. She made it through the whole interview and was able to ask Kanye about ~fashion~. Kanye thinks that the fashion industry discriminated against him and not because he strolled on in there thinking he was the reincarnation of Coco Chanel and designed overpriced clothes that look like zombie rags. Kanye was discriminated against because he doesn’t like dick like that.

“I feel like I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay. In music, you definitely get discriminated in music if you are gay. It takes amazing talents to break down barriers. Everyone thought that when Frank Ocean dropped that it was going to be bad for his career. I feel like it’s so cliché to speak about him as it relates to this subject, but there are people who broke the ground and he broke the ground. The people that break the stereotypes make history.”

Oh, how I wish I was a fly on a wall in Givenchy’s offices, because I really want to see the look on Riccardo Tisci’s face right about now…

Pic: Splash

It’s been over a year since I’ve written about Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and Macaulay Culkin’s ex-roomie Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty (that art post doesn’t count), so let’s do a little catching up.

Dreamy has reportedly quit that crackhead life completely and is now living in a small French town where he goes antiquing with his girlfriend and plays some game called pétanque in his garden. Dreamy says that his days of injecting dragon chasing fuel into his eyeballs and getting caught up in the overdose deaths of heiresses are long behind him. Dreamy is sober after spending a long time in rehab and he’s back to work with The Libertines. The Libertines have a new album out and they’ve been touring a bit. They were supposed to play a show in London last month, but they canceled at the last minute after Dreamy had some sort of “medical emergency.” They claim that “medical emergency” isn’t PR code for “Dude fell off the wagon again and landed mouth first onto a crack pipe.” Dreamy had a panic attack just hours before he was supposed to go on stage. But he’s all better now and last night, he made an appearance at the Saint Laurent show in Paris where he flashed those gorgeous butt corn teeth and gave us hobo Chuckie Finster. Looking hot, Dreamy!

And now that we’re all caught up with Dreamy, you can go ahead and lick on his teeth freckles, because I know you want to.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet UK

Stephenie Meyer must have gotten sick of copy cat bitches (see: E.L. James) stealing her brilliant literary ideas and multi-dimensional characters, so she decided to join them by copying herself.

Since it was Twilight’s 10th anniversary yesterday, many Twihards thought that Stephenie would give them the gift of Midnight Sun, the story of Twatlight told from Edward Cullen’s perspective. But Stephenie has given them something even better. Stephenie has “reimagined” Twilight by swapping the genders of the main characters. Stephenie worked tirelessly on reworking her literary masterpiece and by that I mean she pretty much kept everything the same and used the “find and replace” function to change the names “Bella” and “Edward” to “Beau” and “Edythe.” Yes, Bella is now Beau and Edward is Edythe. I love it! Edythe sounds like the name of a grouchy old conservative memaw and Beau sounds like the name of the mischievous mutt she was forced to take care of after her husband died. The names are perfect!

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The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day was the first to say that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise’s 22-year-old daughter Isabella Cruise married her non-Scientologist boyfriend Max Parker at a fancy hotel in London on September 18th. The details were about as convoluted as Tommy Girl’s thought process.

Woman’s Day said that Tommy Girl wasn’t at the wedding, but Nicole Kidman was. Radar piped in and also said that Tommy wasn’t there and they added that he had never met his daughter’s new husband. But then a Tommy Girl source (E.T. probably) told TMZ that he wasn’t at the wedding, but it wasn’t a big deal. Isabella wanted to keep the wedding small and so no parents were invited. TMZ’s source also said that Tom paid for the wedding and had met Max Parker before. Well, now Page Six is jumping in with their side. They say that Tommy was at the wedding and Nicole Kidman didn’t even know it was happening.

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