Night Crumbs

/ October 20, 2015

If you’re looking at that picture and thinking that James Franco has the sweaty glow and tired face of a dude who just got a train ran on him in a gay porn, you’re close! This is James Franco, Keegan Allen and a tennis ball on the set of King Cobra, which is about the real-life murder of a gay porn producer  – Towleroad

Chiwetel Ejiofor’s got a new girlfriend and it must be serious because they’re already at the stage of their relationship where they’re kissing for the paps – Lainey Gossip

Oscar Pistorius’ house arrest has started at his uncle’s gigantic mansion. I saw pictures of the outside of his uncle’s mansion on TV this morning and I immediately lit a prayer candle for him, because I don’t know how he’s going to deal with living on a luxurious estate that looks more like a resort than a house – Celebitchy

Rita Ora needs to synchronize her eyebrow situation – Drunken Stepfather

Kim Richards is back on the wagon and isn’t robbing Targets anymore – Reality Tea 

Here’s Taylor Swift trying to bring the sex – IDLYITW

Nothing like a little Instagram bikini photo shoot before lunch – The Superficial 

For a second there I thought Brandi Glanville and Eddie Murphy were fucking now – Popoholic

Okay, but why is Zoe Kravitz wearing house slippers from the grocery store? – The Nip Slip

Mike Dikta farted on TV last night – Hollywood Tuna 

Chris Rock is probably going to host the Oscars again – Popsugar

I see that Bradley Cooper is insanely jealous of the amazing acting skills and charisma of the plastic baby from American SniperJust Jared

(Mostly) hot dudes with (mostly) cute dogs – The Berry 

Brandi Glanville wants her 12-year-old son to ask his 12-year-old date if she’s a virgin. You know, if the whole “being a fame whore” thing doesn’t work out for Brandi, she should be a dating coach to 12-year-olds since that’s obviously her calling – Starcasm

Dr. Ken got renewed – SOW

Taylor Swift is bringing in $1 million a day and I’m guessing that a good chunk of that goes to her lawyers since crazy bitch sues everyone – HuffPo

Pic: Instagram

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Henry Cavill’s New Piece Is A 19-Year-Old College Student

/ October 20, 2015

Judgmental side-eye lady in the back may or may not be expressing your thoughts about that headline.

The Daily Mail says that all of you hussies can stop sending Henry Cavill a pair of your used panties with your number written on the crotch, because he’s off the market for now. 32-year-old Henry is apparently dating 19-year-old freshmen college student Tara King (the blondie orange sitting next to him). How very Scott Disick of him! They met at a club in London in August and have been a thing ever since. They were together at a Rugby World Cup game earlier this month. The Daily Mail even called up Tara King’s mother and asked her if it’s true that her daughter is doing the Superman with Superman.

When asked about her daughter’s romance yesterday, Miss King’s mother said: ‘That’s something you would need to speak to her about, not me.’

Cavill’s publicist did not respond to requests for comment.

I refuse to take Henry and Tara King’s relationship as 100% real until I see staged paparazzi pictures of them strolling hand-in-hand through a grocery store parking lot.

Some people are throwing burning looks of judgement at Superman for dating a teenager, but I’m sure Henry and Tara King will prove all the hating haters wrong and in 50 years they’ll be back at that same spot together watching their grandson play rugby. Or Henry will dump her next week for an 18-year-old. Yeah, definitely the latter.

Pic: Getty

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What In Let Them Eat Butter Hell?

/ October 20, 2015

Before fallen butter queen Paula Deen was kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, she made retinas shrivel up one last time when she recreated Madonna’s 1990 MTV VMAs performance of “Vogue.”  Whoever came up with this idea obviously hates humanity in a major way, because nobody asked for this and nobody wanted it.

Vogueing was created by the black and latin gay men and transgender women of the Harlem ballroom scene and now here’s Paula Deen of all messes trying to do it while done up in Marie AnTWATnette drag. I say “trying,” because that’s not Vogueing at all. She looks more like a mummy on Ambien doing the Macarena. You’d think that Paula was performing it in the middle of an NAACP meeting, because she was the opposite of comfortable. This definitely made Madge roll in her coffin this morning. Yes, she was in a coffin. She’s a vampire! Where else is she supposed to sleep?

My thoughts go out to the two boy dancers who got a face full of Paula Deen’s butterball bosoms. Right after this performance, their faces jumped off of their heads and are now running all over Los Angeles while looking for a pool of bleach to soak in.

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Open Post: Hosted By Duchess Kate And Queen Elizabeth In All Their Royal Glory At A State Banquet

/ October 20, 2015

“Hmmm, since he’s busy flirting with Whatshername, he probably won’t notice if I snatch that Pig in a Blanket off of his plate.” – THE QUEEN in that picture, probably.

China’s President Xi Jinping and his wife Madame Peng Liyuan are visiting England for four days and while they’re there THE QUEEN is going to show them all the extremely important sights like Joan Collins’ birthplace, the place where they shot Chardonnay’s wedding in Footballers Wives, the Bargain Booze Kerry Katona goes to and the Museum of British Beauty (aka Jodie Marsh’s plastic surgeon’s office). But before they do all of that, THE QUEEN hosted a fancy state dinner for the President of China and his wife at Buckingham Palace tonight.

Prince William, Prince Philip and Prince Hot Ginge were also there. I couldn’t find any pictures of PHG at that party, so I’m just assuming that he stole a bottle of vodka from the kitchen and hid under one of those tables while getting plastered. I’m going with that, because he usually has the right idea.

Pics: Splash

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Kaley Cuoco’s Soon-To-Be Ex-Husband Wants Spousal Support From Her

/ October 20, 2015

In the 21 months they were married, Kaley Cuoco brought in millions upon millions of dollars since she reportedly makes $1 million an episode for The Big Bang Theory, and Ryan Sweeting probably brought in nothing but a half dozen couch farts since he allegedly spent most of his time popping pills while watching TV. Ryan is a pro tennis player but he didn’t really make any money during their marriage because injuries supposedly kept him from the court. So it makes sense that he wants Kaley to drop a lump of money into his checking account every month. The Gold Diggers Union better start printing out Ryan’s membership card.

Kaley filed for divorce on September 25th. E! says that Ryan recently responded to her filing by filing legal documents where he asked for spousal support and of course, let it be known that he doesn’t want to pay her any spousal support. In the divorce papers Kaley filed last month, she said that all property and spousal support shit was worked out in the prenup, which they signed a month before they got married. The prenup also states that Kaley and Ryan must pay their own legal fees, but he’s asked the court to shit on that clause. He wants Kaley to pay his legal fees too.

Screw a spousal support check! Ryan should fight Kaley for half of her entire fortune! He’d probably get it, because all he’d have to do is go to court and show the judge the ugly tattoo of her name he got inked into his arm. If that isn’t a clear cut sign of pain, suffering and humiliation, I don’t know what is.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Jaden Smith Is The Reincarnation Of Galileo, It All Makes Sense Now

/ October 20, 2015

The answer to the question, “What happens when you give children of the 1% as much weed as they want and let them school themselves?”, was answered last year when Jaden Smith and Willow Smith did a brain-melting interview with T Magazine where they went on about prana energy and metaphysics. If you figured then that Jaden would one day switch his strain and outgrow that phase, you were wrong, because it’s a year later and his 17-year-old brain is still spitting out nuggets of solid foolery. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s son did an interview with GQ, for some reason, and he brought us into his world of pyramids and science. If HBO ever decides to do a season of True Detective in space, they should get Jaden Smith to write the script.

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