Stop Me If You Saw This Koming….

/ October 21, 2015

Up until a little over a week ago, Khloe Kartrashian, seen above in the old days looking like a factory-defected Chyna Real Doll, had herself a new basketball-playing millionaire piece and had moved on from her estranged husband Lamar Odom. But then Lamar nearly overdosed to death in a Nevada brothel and Khloe dropped everything to be by his side, and thanks to the power of her love, he came out of a coma and is slowly recovering. It’s the greatest love story of our time…and it’s going to go on.

Both Khoe and Lamar signed their divorce papers in July, but the court in L.A. never finalized it because they’re backed up. Their divorce was set to be finalized in a couple of months. But TMZ says that’s not going to happen, because Khloe’s lawyer Laura Wasser went to court this morning to ask a judge to withdraw the divorce papers that they both signed. The judge approved the request and now Khloe and Lamar’s divorce is off.

Khloe already dumped her latest piece James Harden and TMZ also says that a few days ago, she and Lamar agreed to give their marriage another chance. They both signed the papers to cancel their divorce. Lamar signed the papers from his hospital bed. And right after he did that, I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke and quickly pricked Lamar’s finger for blood before telling him that he may as well sign a few more things since he’s well enough to sign. You know, nothing big. She just made him sign away all his future earnings and the right to use him without pay in all their reality shows and in ads for the new fragrance Unbreakable II.

As soon as Lamar said “yes” to Khloe asking him if he wants to get back together and join the Kartrashian family again, his doctor probably scribbled onto his chart, “Check brain activity again STAT!

And here’s Kim Kartrashian wearing a funeral muumuu while leaving a Vogue party with Kanye West.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

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Beyonce Gave You “Chrissy Snow As A Gangster’s Moll” Last Night

/ October 21, 2015

The company that Jay-Z forgets exists, Tidal, held an Illuminati ritual ceremony at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn last night to celebrate their 1 millionth subscriber. Or should I say, they celebrated the 989,999th subscription that Jay-Z bought to make it look like they have 1 million subscribers. During the charity concert, which benefited some organization that funds social movements (whatever that means), the First Lady of Tidal busted out a performance of Feeling Myself” with Nicki Minaj and before she did that, her titty bowls nearly busted out as she posed on the carpet.

ANCIENT ASS Beyonce pulled one of her high ponytail wigs out of her hair closet, slapped it on her head and went on over to Blue Ivy Carter’s craft room to ask her daughter to use some of that Elmer’s Glue to glue that shit onto her. I don’t know whether that lace front is eating her forehead or if her forehead is eating that lace front. But beyond that, the rest of her look is very “Casual Friday Mariah Carey.” From the neck up, she’s I Dream of Jeannie and from the neck down, she’s Mimi. So together, she’s I Dream of Mimi.

Beyonce’s overall look is tacky, cheap, and is lazy Jeanne Kasem cosplay. So with that said, I love it! But what I love more is a moment that happened between Beyonce and her assistant in front of the photographers. After Beyonce’s minion fixed her dress for a quick second, she let that peon know that it’s time to shoo out of her shot by softly saying, “Stop it.” (Side note: That photographer just had cataract surgery and figured that blurry figure in the high ponytail was Charo, which is why she’s mistakenly calling Beyonce “queen,” right? Right?)

#Beyonce #TIDALX1020

A video posted by Beyoncé (@beylite) on

And one second after that moment, a trap door opened up below the assistant sending her down a long chute and into the basement where she’ll spend the rest of eternity making high ponytail wigs for Beyonce.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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As Hillary Clinton Celebrates By Doing The Carlton Dance….

/ October 21, 2015

And squirts out a stream of happiness at the same time…

Joe Biden took the razors out of his hair, un-Crisco’d his face and took off all of his rings, because he is not going to get into the circus ring to scrap with all those messes to become the next President of the United States. Joe Biden announced today that he isn’t going to run for the Democratic presidential nomination. Joe also announced that he is officially endorsing the new Prime Minister of Canada Justin Therouxorsomething as his pick for the President of North America, because I mean, have you seen that man’s luxurious hair, orgasm-inducing pucker and nipples?

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ October 21, 2015

Pepsi Perfect!

In case you couldn’t tell from everyone screaming, “HAPPY BACK TO THE ckTURE DAY,” everywhere, it’s Back to the Future Day! October 21, 2015 is the day that Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd traveled to in Back to the Future II. We don’t have flying cars or shoe laces that tie themselves (“Uh, your shoe laces don’t tie themselves?” said Kanye West as his two full-time shoe lace tiers frantically tie his shoe laces beneath him), but we do have 5,001 pieces about all the shit that Back to the Future II got right and wrong and we have Pepsi Perfect! Or we HAD Pepsi Perfect.

Pepsi Perfect was in BTTF 2 and to celebrate today, Pepsi squirted out a limited release of 6,500 bottles of Pepsi Perfect, which is basically just regular Pepsi in that future bottle. Pepsi announced that Pepsi Perfect would go on sale on Amazon and Walmart at midnight on October 21st, but they mess with everyone’s emotions and nerves by releasing it early. It sold out in a millisecond and now today, the future, is filled with the sounds of people screaming over not being able to spend 20 dollars and 15 cents on a bottle of Pepsi!

backtothefuturehsotd3

But don’t worry if you missed out, you can always buy one on eBay for five hundred fucking dollars.

And some of us bitches are looking at Pepsi Perfect and are thinking to ourselves, “Um, Pepsi Perfect has been around for decades. It’s called COKE!”

Happy Back to the Future Day!

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Birthday Sluts

/ October 21, 2015

William Zabka (50)
Amber Rose (32)
Aaron Tveit (32)
Matt Dallas (33)
Kim Kardashian (35)
Will Estes (37)
Jeremy Miller (39)
Jade Jagger (44)
Melora Walters (56)
Ken Watanabe (56)
Charlotte Caffey (58)
Julian Cope (58)
Carrie Fisher (59)
Catherine Hardwicke (60)
LaTanya Richardson (66)
Judge Judy (73)
Manfred Mann (75)
Joyce Randolph (91)

Pic: Teen Beat

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