Ryan Murphy’s latest show American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson isn’t hitting TV screens until February 2016, but FX has been airing ads for it during American Horror Story: Hotel, because they figure that the audience is already in the mood for goriness and terrifying ghouls. And during last night’s episode of AHS: Hotel (which belonged to Angela Bassett and Angela Bassett only), we got to see John Travolta’s face move (sort of) as Robert Shapiro. I’ve already seen pictures of John Travolta in full Shapiro drag, but last night was the first time I saw him speak. It’s safe to say that this show is going to be the most horrifying thing that Ryan Murphy has ever created and that’s saying a lot since Goopy Paltrow once sang “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” on Glee.

In this teaser, Robert Shapiro begins to ask O.J. (played by Cuba Gooding Jr.) a question (the question probably being, “You did it, right?”). Travolta looks like an animatronic wax figure trying to move as it slowly melts in a hot room. I really expected one of the baby weasels above his eyes to fall off and scurry out of the room.

I can’t wait for this. And if you don’t have a Halloween costume yet, you have one now. All you need is a suit, a whole lot of Silly Putty (for your face), a de-stuffed beaver stuffed toy (for your wig), glue and a handful of pubes (for your eyebrows). If people throw a look of confusion back at you when you tell them you’re Travolta as Shapiro, just shrug and tell them that you’re Ray Liotta after getting attacked by a mob of zombies.

What in the hell kind of GD celebrity is Tom Hardy? When Tom Hardy got married to Charlotte Riley, he didn’t release a statement and didn’t show off their wedding pictures in a 15-page spread in OK! Magazine. He let the news “slip” by referring to Charlotte as his “missus” at some PETA event. When Tom Hardy’s jizz fish kicked its way into one of  Charlotte’s ovary eggs and made a baby, he didn’t announce it with a cover story on Life & Style. Charlotte just showed up to one of his premieres last month with a visible gut full of fetus. And when Charlotte birthed out their kid recently, Tom didn’t post a mysterious Instagram picture of his newborn baby’s hand with a note that read: “Guess what came yesterday?” Somebody teach Tom Hardy how to celebrity!

The Daily Mail says that Charlotte recently gave birth to their first baby together. Tom Hardy has a 7-year-old son Louis with his ex Rachel Speed. Tom’s rep hasn’t confirmed or denied the birthing news yet. That’s all we know. We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. We don’t know what it’s name is. What don’t know how much that baby weighed in at (and I know that bit of information is HIGHLY important to all of us). I guess we’ll have to wait until Tom “accidentally” slips out the name of his kid at some event. I’m hoping they named their kid MySpace Hardy as a tribute to Tom’s best days, his cam whore days.

And since there’s barely any info in this post, I have to give you something, so here’s pictures of Tom Hardy with dog friends.

Pic: Wenn.com

And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!

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The pineapple mullet hair on top of the head of The Weeknd (government name: Abel Makkonen Tesfaye) is apparently Internet famous and there’s Tumblr’s devoted to it and shit. During an interview with Rolling Stone, The Weeknd (Side note: My spell check just loves his stage name.) explained that four years ago, he decided to let his hair grow however it wants to grow and he’ll only cut it if it gets in his eyes. That led to him telling a weird story about his most bizarre encounter with a celebrity and of course that celebrity was Taylor Swift.

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Dexter Mayfield, the dancer turned model who made the catwalk his battleground and demolished that bitch.

At Paris Fashion Week, dead-eyed hollow drool stains like Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid ho-hummed down the runway, but at the WORLD-RENOWNED Los Angeles Fashion Week, a twerking lightning bolt hit the runway at the Marco Marco show on Sunday. Dexter Mayfield stomped alongside some of the queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race and when he turned the corner and rocketed down the catwalk like a big ball of flaming fire in some kind of Body Glove Spandex onesie thing, Anna Wintour’s sunglasses cracked and her bangs singed to nothing. (No, Anna Wintour was not there, but I’m sure all that would’ve happened if she was.) Dexter is a newbie model, but Barbizon should still make him their new dean, because he knows how to command and rule a runway. All models should take note: If you want to kill the runway and make b-holes tingle, flash your nipples and bounce that ass.

#LAFW #MarcoMarcoShow #MarcoMarco #PlusSizeModel #DexterMayfield #Nerves @ryanskyy #Runway #Catwalk @WorldOfWonder pic.twitter.com/xzkXMSty9V

— Dexter Mayfield (@DexStar84) October 21, 2015

After Dexter’s walk for his life went viral, he told Buzzfeed that at first, he was scared to do it, but thought, “Fuck it.”

“That was so intimidating, but once I spoke to Marco right before I went on the runway I just said FUCK IT, and I just went for it! It was unlike any other feeling I’ve had before! Being a professional dancer, I already know the pressure of not fitting into the typical look of what a dancer should be. So stepping into modeling and walking the runway, that pressure is compounded even more. But at the end of the day, I simply just want to do what I love, and I feel talent should speak for itself no matter your shape or size. So, if anyone can be inspired by it, that just makes the reward of what I do even greater. And from the show up to today, the messages of love and encouragement have been overflowing and I am so grateful for it all.”

So now we really know why America’s Next Top model got canned. It wasn’t because of shit ratings or because The CW knew it was only a matter of time before Tyra Banks got charged for torturing those wannabe models. It ended because America’s Ultimate Top Model has already been found in Dexter Mayfield!

(For Tony and Bryan T.)

Catherine Deneuve (72)
Sofia Vassilieva (23)
Jonathan Lipnicki (25)
Zac Hanson (30)
Michael Fishman (34)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (40)
Saffron Burrows (43)
Spike Jonze (46)
Jay Johnston (47)
Shelby Lynne (47)
Shaggy (47)
Carlos Mencia (48)
Valeria Golino (50)
Brian Boitano (52)
Bob Odenkirk (53)
Marc Shaiman (56)
Bill Condon (60)
Jeff Goldblum (63)
Deepak Chopra (68)
Jan De Bont (72)
Tony Roberts (76)
Christopher Lloyd (77)
Derek Jacobi (77)

Pic: Luxe Chronicles