I can’t bring myself to see the movie that’s using the name Jem and the Holograms as its title, because it’s like paying to see the mutilated, butchered-up and shit-upon body of one of your old childhood friends (that you actually liked) and there’s not a popcorn bag big enough to hold all of the watery drops of sadness that’d squirt out of my eyeholes.   Well, so far, it looks like I’m not alone, because every theater that showed a sneak peak of it last night didn’t even make enough money to buy all the cleaning supplies they’ll need to cleanse their screens of Jem’s butchered remains.

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In the voice of Stefon: New York’s hottest bod is Vin Diesel!

When pictures of Vin Diesel’s topless body on a balcony made the rounds and he got the “dad bod” label, he spit back by Instagramming the above picture of him sucking in so hard that he probably broke a few ribs. I thought that was that, but then Complex brought it up during an interview and Vin dismissed the hating asshole body shamers who made fun of his “dad bod,” because he knows that if there were a Best Bod Olympics, he’d win every gold medal and then some. So the haters can chew on his outie.

Like you step out, and it’s like, “Diesel is not wearing a shirt!“
It’s like, dad bod goes viral. Like really?

I am very here for the dad bod, just FYI.
I get it, you know? I mean, a) I don’t have to be in front of the camera for a couple months and b) I really am a dad.

So, literally dad bod.
I have lots of kids, but you know, how do I feel about the invasion? That sneaky invasion of privacy feels weird. That’s not right. How do I feel about people being so focused on that? I’m okay because I’ve had the best body in New York City for decades. There is no love lost there for me. I sing on my Facebook. You don’t get more dangerous than that, right?

Vin could be spitting out jokes, but if he wasn’t joking, then I’m going to guess that those pictures of him on the balcony were taken just as his inflated ego inflated some more. And I don’t know if I’d say that Vin Diesel has had the best body in NYC for DECADES, but I will say that he’s definitely in the running for the best posing skills in NYC.

Pin-Up Vinnie should’ve done that hot sexy pose in his Instagram message to the haters, because that really would’ve shut them up. They would’ve been too busy trying to put the fire out in their loins to say shit. Speaking of fiery loins, here’s Vin doing an impersonation of a naked Prince Hot Ginge at the London premiere of The Last Witch Hunter the other night.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com, Towleroad

It’s Pat’s child-touching nasty third cousin Jared Fogle (aka the worst thing to come out of Subway, which is saying a lot if you’ve ever gotten the tsunami shits from one of their foot-longs) took a plea deal last August to avoid a trial. The AP says that as part of his guilty plea, Subway Jared had to pay 10 of his victims $1 million. No, he didn’t pay them $1 million each. He paid each of them only $100,000, which will probably barely cover all the therapy they’ll need.

Back in August, Jared agreed to plead guilty to one count each of traveling to “engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor” and passing out and receiving child porn. His sentencing is set to go down on November 19th, and he’ll get at least 5 years in the clink, but won’t get more than 12 1/2 years in the clink. 10 of his victims have already gotten a $100,000 check and 4 additional victims will shortly get the same. Prosecutors say that victims getting restitution before sentencing almost never ever happens.

The $100,000 checks were hand-delivered to each of the 10 victims or their parents over the last several weeks, with each signing a form saying they had received the money and that it is intended to benefit that particular victim, Assistant U.S. Attorney Steven DeBrota told The Associated Press on Thursday.

DeBrota said he’s handled only one other case in which restitution was paid to victims before sentencing in nearly a quarter-century of prosecuting child porn cases.

Before the world found out about Subway Jared’s pedo ways, his net worth was reportedly $15 million. But after paying lawyers, his victims and his soon-to-be ex-wife, he’ll probably be as broke as my bowels after I made the mistake of eating a choco walnut brownie from Subway. If this piece of trash really did make $15 million from Subway, the receptionist at their headquarters should expect Mama June to wobble up to the desk and say, “I heard y’all were hiring a new spokesperson and I also heard y’all don’t do backgrounds checks.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Because I know you all love the phrase “post-baby body” and you’ve been wondering what Jessica Biel’s post-baby body looks like, here’s Jessica Biel and her post-baby body with batshit-eyed Justin Timberlake at the 1st Annual Unveiling of Jessica Biel’s Post-Baby Body Ceremony in NYC last night. No, they were at something called the Fashion Group International Night of the Stars Gala.

The dried piece of bland celery leaf gave birth to a Weeds character last April and in case you didn’t get it the first 5,000 times I said it, she flaunted her post-baby body last night. Jessica Biel’s post-baby body is not to be confused with a regular’s post-baby body, which is probably covered in newborn barf, dried tears and chunks of hair that were yanked out from not being able to get 1 second of any fucking sleep.

Jessica covered her post-baby body with one of Laura Bush’s favorite Christmas party dresses and Justin Timberlake dressed up and gave off looks like a psychotic lounge piano player who makes piano keys out of the bones of his victims. But who cares about him. It’s all about Jessica Biel’s’s POST-BABY BODY!

Pics: Wenn.com

“I can’t heeeeeeeear you from all the dollar signs cha-chinging in my head!”

Just a few days after Adele stuck the sad Q-tip in by releasing a clip of her first song in three years “Hello,” the whole thing was unleashed onto the world today. I bet that break-ups and divorce rates jumped 3000% this morning, because before listening to her song, everybody called up their piece and said, “Okay, I’m going to dump you right now and I need you to start crying, because I’m about to listen to the new Adele song and I REALLY want to feel it.”

“Hello” gives us a serious PLOT TWIST. Instead of Adele getting her ass dumped and her heart slaughtered into a million pieces, she’s the one who does the heartbreaking and in the video, she breaks the heart of Dixon from the 90210 reboot. (“Hello, Random, it’s me, thank you for giving us the meaning of  YOU by putting Dixon in Adele’s new video.”) Adele keeps calling Dixon to apologize for being the asshole in the relationship, but he doesn’t pick up! I was going to screaming, “Text his ass, Adele, shit,” but I don’t think either of them have texting capabilities on those vintage ass flip phones. Anyway, the song and video is an emotional rollercoaster that starts at the tip of her immaculate eyeliner game and ends in that Muppet carcass coat of hers.

Later, she used that flip phone to call her contractor to say, “Hello, it’s me, we’re going to need to build a bigger trophy room to house all the Grammys coming my way.”

And because the Internet usually doesn’t disappoint, here’s the mash-up we all wanted and needed in our lives today:

Hello, Internet, it’s me, bless you for that.

And here’s Adele outside of BBC studios in London today:

Pics: Wenn.com

Sorry, but I have to get drunk before I let anyone eat me. – 38chrysler

Upvote winner:

Their idyllic youth over, Christopher Robin and Pooh hit the bottle hard as adults. – FluffKitteh

Pic: Break