Birthday Sluts

/ October 26, 2015

Jaclyn Smith (70)
Morgan Saylor (21)
Emilia Clarke (29)
Sasha Cohen (31)
Jon Heder (38)
Seth MacFarlane (42)
Rosemarie DeWitt (44)
Anthony Rapp (44)
Phaedra Parks (45)
Keith Urban (48)
Steve Valentine (49)
Tom Cavanagh (52)
Natalie Merchant (52)
Cary Elwes (53)
Dylan McDermott (54)
Julie Dawn Cole (58)
Rita Wilson (59)
Neil Meron (60)
D.W. Moffett (61)
James Pickens, Jr. (61)
Bootsy Collins (64)
Julian Schnabel (64)
Hillary Rodham Clinton (68)
Pat Sajak (69)
Shelley Morrison (79)

Pic: Pinterest

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Open Post: Hosted By Colton Haynes Serving Up Some Sea Witch Realness

/ October 25, 2015

When it comes to Halloween (or Slutoween, if that’s the holiday you celebrate), people are either really really into it, or they’re “Just give me the damn fun-size Snickers” apathetic about the whole thing. Colton Haynes (aka the ripped babyface dude from Teen Wolf) is clearly a proud member of the first group. Last year, Colton covered his ass in 10lbs of green latex and went as Fiona from Shrek. This year, he dunked himself in 20lbs of gorgeous, pulled out a purple tit, and went as a messy version of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. This isn’t even a Halloween costume; this shit is top-shelf drag.

Ursula is my bad bitch queen, so obviously no Ursula costume – no matter how good – will be good enough for me. First of all, Colton isn’t nearly sexy enough. Yes, he has a tit out, but as Tara Reid can tell you (NSFW), that’s not a guaranteed path to sexy. He’s also way too skinny. And he’s carrying a cane for some reason. Colton’s Ursula looks more like what I’d imagine Ursula’s granny looks like after a rowdy bridge night at the nursing home. Or what you’d get if Ursula made a shady deal with a mermaid surgeon in exchange for some gastric bypass surgery and a bottle of vodka. What am I even saying? Those are both great costumes.

Here’s more of Colton Haynes looking like the love child of Divine and Paula Deen last night. Warning: some pics are a tad NSFW-ish, thanks to a rubber cecaelia nipple.

Pics: Colton Haynes, Splash

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Random Has Given Us Another New Couple

/ October 25, 2015

On the left, we have Mr. Burns’ real-life millionaire old man equivalent, Rupert Murdoch. On the right, we have legendary model and the mother to four of Mick Jagger’s kids, Jerry Hall. And according to The Daily Mail, these two are currently humping on each other. Well, that’s not necessarily an image I needed today, but here we are.

84-year-old Rupert Murdoch retired his last wife, Wendi Deng (remember Wendi Deng?), a little over two years ago, and naturally I assumed he was waiting for an angel in her mid-20s to swoop in and lovingly rub ointment into his bald head while he daydreams of releasing the hounds. But in a strange turn of events, Rupert didn’t go the typical rich old man route and find someone younger than his youngest liver spot. Rupert was recently introduced to 59-year-old Jerry Hall by one of his sisters and they’re apparently really into each other. A close family friend says:

“It’s all very new. They are really enjoying each other’s company very much. He is very fond of her. There is no question that they are a couple.”

Oooh, feel the sizzle coming off that statement. You could roast a turkey under all that heat. Rupert and Jerry (RupHall? NO) haven’t been seen together since they started hooking up, but they plan to go public with their relationship at the Rugby World Cup next week.

As far as I know, Rupert Murdoch is still one of the richest naked mole-rats in the world, yes? If so, then I say get it, Jerry! Get as much of that dusty dick as you can handle. Because the aftertaste of Metamucil powder and lube (that’s how you fix dry old man mouth, right?) is a small price to pay for that private jet life.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Guess What Happened To Jimmy Fall Last Night?

/ October 25, 2015

I’m going to give you three guesses as to why we’re talking about Jimmy Fallon today:

1. He accidentally busted something
2. He accidentally busted something
3. He accidentally busted something

If you answered “…yeah, and was booze involved?“, you’d be correct! Jimmy Fallon, seen above in some truly lazy Jolly Green Giant cosplay, fell down and busted one of his fingers at Harvard University on Saturday night. Jimmy was being honored by the Harvard Lampoon, and People says it happened while they were celebrating in the street. According to a source, Jimmy was holding a bottle of Jaegermeister and he tripped over a random girl who was kneeling down in front of him. There you have it; further proof that Jaegermeister will always fuck you up.

After Jimmy ate shit in the street, he hauled ass to Massachusetts General Hospital and got his busted finger fixed up. And then shortly after that, he posted a picture of it on Instagram.

JimmyHand

That’s not that bad. I mean, it’s certainly not as bad as the time he broke his front tooth on a tube of scar tissue gel. And it’s definitely not as bad as the time he slipped on a rug and almost tore his finger off. And no, I’m not talking about the severity of his injury; I’m talking about the reason why it happened. “Tripped over a random girl (totally random, no idea, never met her) who was kneeling in front of him while holding (not drinking, just holding, probably for a friend) a bottle of Jaeger” isn’t nearly the worst excuse he’s come up with. Yes, I’m looking at you, broke a tooth on a tube of scar tissue gel excuse.

This is Jimmy’s third trip to the hospital in four months. Forget a Harvard Lampoon award, can we get Jimmy fitted for a bubble suit or something? At the very least, give him a set of foam Hulk hands. Jimmy, you need to stop breaking shit in your hands!

Pics: Jimmy Fallon

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The Rumor That Jay Z Had An Affair With Rihanna Was Made Up By Their Publicist

/ October 25, 2015

The whispers that one of Jay Z’s 99 problems was the struggle of trying to hide the fact that he was banging Rihanna from his wife has been around since the beginning of time (no, for real, I’m sure there are cave paintings showing a woman with a joint in her mouth receiving a text that says “U awake?“). There was even a theory that Jay Z’s relationship with RiRi was the reason for why Solange went loco on his ass in an elevator after the Met Gala. Basically, we all agreed that at one point in time, Jay Z’s dick probably smelled like space weed and zero fucks.

Well, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay, you can go ahead and stop side-eyeing Rihanna for doing the electric adulterous slide with Jay Z, because that rumor is about as real as the birthdate on Beyonce’s driver’s license. Jonathan was forced to tell the truth after he was outed by J. Randy Taraborrelli, the author of Becoming Beyonce, an unauthorized biography about – DUH – Beyonce. J. Randy (hot name) claims that Jonathan wanted to drum up some publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay“, back in 2005. And when in doubt, a rumor about fucking your married mentor usually works.

Jonathan says that he has since apologized to Beyonce, and that the whole thing is “very awkward.” No, Jonathan – awkward is telling your parents you’re considering entering the witness protection program after you received a mountain of death threats from the Beyhive for bey-smirching their queen’s good name.

You know, I want to believe Jonathan. I really do. But something about this stinks of weave glue and Photoshopped thighs. Does anyone have a video recording of Jonathan Hay coming clean? I wouldn’t be surprised if said video was filmed in a basement next to Solange’s cot, and features the shadowy figures of Bey’s henchmen (Kelly and Michelle) blocking the door while the voice of Blue Ivy instructs him to read the cue cards exactly as they’ve been written if he wants to see outside again.

Meanwhile, I’m sure if you asked Rihanna if anything nasty happened between her and Jay Z, she’d just shrug and be like “Who cares? NEXT.” Here’s RiRi looking like a bootleg Color Me Badd doll while performing last night in LA.

Pics: Splash

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Gavin Rossdale Won’t Be Coming For Gwen Stefani’s Cash During Their Divorce Settlement

/ October 25, 2015

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen fixing myself a strong drink. It’s the only thing that will soothe my neck muscles after I violently shake my head in disbelief that a less famous type didn’t try to drain all the cash from the more famous type’s checking account during their divorce.

According to TMZ, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are almost officially divorced after calling it quits on their 13-year-long marriage almost 3 months ago. Well, that was quick. I was expecting they’d try to get a little more mileage out of their split than a single nanny-banging rumor and a shitty song. Eh, to each their own, I guess. Anyway, Gwen and Gavin didn’t have a prenup, but TMZ says Gavin won’t go buck wild and hoover up half of Gwen’s assets. A source claims he agreed to “far less” than the 50% he could have received. Come on, TMZ, I need to know numbers! Does he get 30%? 19%? A case of slightly damaged Harajuku Lovers perfumes that he can hock on eBay? Give me something.

However, he will get the kids (sort of). Technically Gwen and Gavin will split custody of their kids, Kingston, Zuma, and Apollo. But because Gwen’s touring schedule has her all over the place, Gavin will take care of the kids the majority of the time. No word on who gets primary custody of the paps who follow them to their acupuncture appointments.

I still can’t believe that Gavin Rossdale didn’t back a truck up to the courthouse and instruct Gwen to dump half her money inside. Sure, Gavin might have been busting his nuts in anything with a gorgeous head of hair during their marriage, but that’s no reason not to get money. Especially when nobody signed a prenup. I’m sure there are plenty of greedy hos out there who are cursing out Gavin for not reinforcing his pelvis and humping on Gwen Stefani’s metaphorical wallet until there was nothing left inside but a cartoon moth. You’ve let a lot of get money bitches down today, Gavin.

Pic: Splash

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