Before Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s nanny Mindy Mann was the nanny/husband fucker of the moment, Christine Ouzounian was ruling the nanny/side ho/shameless attention whore game. Christine the Nanny was racking up those fame whore credits by cruising down the stroll in her drop top Lexus and posing for staged paparazzi bikini shoots. But then she sort of disappeared and I figured she was laying low while working on her tell-all, a spread in Hustler and an Oxygen reality show. Well, Entertainment Tonight says that you shouldn’t expect Christine to make the most out of her 5 seconds of fame by reenacting her alleged affair with Ben Affleck in a soft-core porn titled The Hand That Rocked Batman’s Dick, because she’s currently living in the Bahamas with a dude she used to be engaged to.

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A couple of weeks ago, Radar threw up a blind item about how it’s an open secret in Hollywood that a “world-famous” bad boy actor is HIV+ and has known for two years. The Sun repeated that blind item and said that their sources claim the actor has told many people in Hollywood about his HIV status. I know, The Sun co-signing a story from Radar is like Benita Butrell co-signing a piece of gossip from Mary Jenkins. (If you’re an old like me, Benita Butrell is a gossiping bitch from In Living Color and Mary Jenkins is another legendary gossip from 227.) Every one of the “clues” in the blind items pointed to Charlie Sheen.

Well, it was a blind item until today when both Radar and The National Enquirer (aka The Don’t Give A Fuck Weekly) said that Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood tested positive for HIV and at least four women claim he exposed them to the virus. The Enquirer claims that they worked on the story for 18 months and uncovered “SHOCKING DETAILS!!!” like how Charlie allegedly did it bareback-style with many people when he knew about his status. They also claim that Charlie paid off at least one of his sex partners to keep it all a secret.

“Charlie had sex with multiple partners since learning his HIV status without informing them of his potentially deadly HIV infection,” one source told The ENQUIRER.

Adult film star Scottine Ross, who an insider noted didn’t know of Sheen’s HIV status for four months while they had unprotected sex, railed against her ex-fiancé in a video provided to The ENQUIRER: “You exposed me to HIV for a year and a half!” she blasted.

Now Sheen, who doesn’t know how he contracted the virus, “has been tortured by the thought that his acting genius will be forgotten,” explained a source. “Charlie’s worst fear is that he will be remembered not as a great actor, but as someone who contracted the disease.”

The Enquirer says that Charlie is currently on a regimen of meds.

Right after Radar and The National Enquirer named Charlie Sheen, NBC released a press release saying that he’s going to do a live interview with lukewarm bag of smug Matt Lauer on Today tomorrow morning and he’s going to make a “personal announcement.” TMZ says that Charlie Sheen’s personal announcement will be that he’s HIV+. We should all brace ourselves, because if the Enquirer is right about Charlie Sheen not telling any of his pieces, this is going to get all kinds of messy real fast.

Pic: Wenn.com

When I pulled my hung over, broke off and dozed off body out of bed this morning, I almost went back to bed when I went through my feed and got the image of Justin Bieber praying to the Gods above to let him top One Direction. If you stay really quiet and open up your ear holes really wide, you can hear the sound of Usher cackling over the Biebs trying to top anyone.

After I saw this perfect headline that will no doubt win every Peabody Award, I didn’t even want to read the story, because that mess is the only thing I needed. But Page Six’s story is about how Justin Bieber and One Direction are currently wrestling for the top position in the Battle of the Tattooed Twinks (“I’ve had that wet dream before!” – Kevin Spacey). Both the Biebs’ redemption album Purpose and One Direction’s album Made In The A.M. came out on Friday and only one of them can be on top. Billboard said a couple of days ago that the Biebs has spit on the hairless b-holes of One Direction and is getting ready to stick the tip in, because expert types say that his album is selling more than theirs. That probably has to do with his team doing whatever it takes for him to top One Direction. The Biebs is trying to find ways to “pump” up his album sales so he can really stick it to 1D good. Beaver balls deep good.

Sources say his team’s found ways to pump album sales including bundling his new release, “Purpose,” with tickets to two Staples Center shows last week — “That would be nearly another 40,000 albums [sold] right there,” said a source. He’s also partnered with ride-hailing app Lyft to give riders a download of his album for $5 through a “buy and ride” button. “Those will also go toward the charts,” a source said.

And seriously, I don’t know whether to hate Page Six or love Page Six, because the week has barely started, and burned into my brain is the picture of the 1D dudes with their asses up, trying not to laugh as Justin Bieber tries to top them one by one.

Here’s Justin Bieber’s dream bottoms leaving BBC Radio 2 yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

This is Peggy-sourous, how I can help you. – Val

Upvote winner:

…all these employees and they’re still bitching that they’re short-handed. – prommom

Pic: Break.com

(Note: A picture of today’s HSOTD does not exist anywhere on the Internet, so this picture of what she used to smuggle the bad shit into prison with will have to do.)

You may think that you have the greatest mother in the world, because she’s the only one who listens to you whine, makes you delicious things and sends you jacked-up text messages that you screen shot and put on your Tumblr. But I’m sorry to break it to your ass, you don’t have the greatest mother in the world. The greatest mother in the world lives in Spain!

The Spanish newspaper ABC (via HuffPo) says that a 73-year-old abuelita was trying to visit her son, who’s in there for selling drugs, at Fontcalent prison in Alicante when she had to go through security. The abuelita was waiting to be frisked when she suddenly got a major case of the SantoDiosTheseBitchesAreGoingToFriskMeAndCatchMyAss. She was too scared to go through the frisking and so she gave herself up real quick. She reached into her chonies and pulled out a Kinder Egg that was stashed in her vagine. A Kinder Egg is a chocolate egg that has a toy inside of a plastic shell. And yes, it was stashed up in her chocha. A mother’s love….

The Kinder Egg was handed over to a guard who got a major surprise when they opened it up. They found around 20 Euros in cash, a little bit of coke, some heroin and pills in that Kinder Egg. I’ll wait here as you run down to the store to buy a Kinder Egg hoping there’s some cash and pills in it. Now THAT is a Kinder Surprise!

This happened in 2013, but we’re only hearing about it now, because the abuelita pleaded guilty. She got a 21-month suspended jail sentence and she had to pay a 41 Euros fine.

So if you think you have the best mother of all-time ask her, “Mom, if I went to prison and needed a little coke and cash, would you smuggle some in a Kinder Egg shoved up your cooze?“Let me know what she says, but I’m guessing it will be a little hard to hear her answer over the sound of her slapping you upside the head over and over again.

Pic: Nearof

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