Ever since classic diss track “You’re So Vain” came out in 1972, hos have been guessing who the song is about and Carly Simon has always played it pretty coy. I’m surprised there was never a 70s game show called This Song Is About Who? where contestants tried to guess who that damn song was about. Over the decades, people have guessed that the song was about Warren Beatty, David Cassidy, David Bowie, Cat Stevens or Mick Jagger. Five years ago, The Sun spit up evidence that the song is about David Geffen. Carly has only said that it’s about three dudes, but now that she’s got her memoirs Boys In The Trees to promote, she’s spilling a name.

In news that is about as shocking as me having saltine cracker nachos for lunch, Carly tells People that Warren thinks the entire song is about him, but only the second verse was inspired by him doing her dirty (and not in a sexy way). This is how the second verse goes:

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.

The real news is that she sings “clouds in my coffee.” I thought it was “clowns in my coffee” for the longest time and figured she was snorting LSD-laced Cremora in the morning.

Carly is sewing her lips shut when it comes to saying who the other two are. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s David Geffen and Betty White. It’s always Betty White.) When asked if she’ll ever say who the other two are, she said,  “I don’t think so, at least until they know it’s about them.”

I can already picture my mom rolling her eyes while saying, “Excuse me while I pass out from shock,” after hearing this news. We’ll all do the same thing in 40 years when Taylor Swift is peddling her memoirs and tells us that “Bad Blood” is about Katy Perry. I’m saving a special string of clutching pearls for that occasion.

Pic: AP

File this under: This is why Lou and I cry today.

I fill the soggy mound of bitterness I call a brain with a whole lot of trash TV, but it’s impossible for me to inhale all of the crap television out there. So every Friday night, I would look forward to lounging with a bottle of the sweet nectar and a fully-loaded bong while taking in all of the hilarious and educational clips on The Soup. The Soup is my Harvard because they introduced me to former HSOTY Stains, Treetop Cat Rescue and legendary icon Spaghetti Cat! But now I’m going to be lost on Friday nights without my dose of TV foolery, because those evil bastards at E! are flushing The Soup (originally called Talk Soup) down the toilet after 22 years. The Soup will say goodbye forever on December 18th. Here’s the tragic and sad news via Deadline:

As E! counts down to the final episode on December 18 at 10pm ET/PT, Joel McHale will continue to host new episodes that bring viewers the best of the worst in pop culture and look back at some of the series’ most memorable moments from the past 22 years. New episodes will air Fridays at 10m ET/PT until McHale signs off for the last time and fans say good-bye to the most infamous green screen in TV history, along with the characters that appeared in front of it, including Mankini, Lou the Chihuahua, and of course, the floating talk show heads in the notorious “Chat Stew” graphic.

I would tell E! to go to hell, but I’m pretty sure their offices are already next to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair in the underworld. Speaking of, you know what’s going to happen next. “E! is proud to announce that coming next spring on Friday nights will be the new kooking show Whore Soup hosted by Pimp Mama Kris!“

One of Anthony Bourdain’s signature dishes is shit-talking soufflé, which many people can’t get enough of and wants several servings of. Anthony regularly trashes TV cooks from Paula Deen to Rachael Ray to Adam Richman to tablescape earth angel Sandra Lee. (I still can’t with Anthony for dragging Our Patron Saint of Kwanzaa Cakes.) But one of Anthony’s favorite targets to shit all over is hairy bleached hedgehog wart Guy Fieri. Anthony Bourdain has said that Guy Fieri is what you would get “if Ed Hardy fucked a Juggalo” and called his Times Square emporium of vending machine cuisine a “terror dome.” Surprisingly, Guy is not amused.

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And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”

The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.

B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.

But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.

And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.

18-year-old actress Bella Thorne (whose name sounds like a generic brand of poison you buy when you can’t find Belladonna) told Seventeen Magazine a little blind item about a Regina George in her circle who is such a mean-faced corroded bitch that she doesn’t even say “hello” to that ice cold asshole demon when they run into each other. Like, when they’re both in the, like, cafeteria at the same time and Bella’s rival walks by her table, she doesn’t even, like, acknowledge that bitch’s existence. That’s how much Bella hates her and that’s how mean that mean girl is. Bella wouldn’t name names, but she dropped hints. I’m sure that The National Enquirer has put together an entire investigative team that will spend the next 18 months uncovering who the thorn in Thorne’s side is.

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“Bro-dominated territory more vast than previously believed” Oceanographers were surprised to discover mansplainers thriving even at 36,000 feet deep – writermama

Upvote winner:

Jaques Cooch-ho – Doll Parts

Pic: Acid Cow