Open Post: Hosted By James Franco’s Nipples

/ December 11, 2015

While the world’s greatest performance artist Shia LaDouche works as telemarketer and calls it art, the world’s second greatest performance artist James Franco graced the streets of Hollywood with his plump chest turnovers and threw a raggedy Conan the Barbarian wig on his head to shoot scenes for his new movie. James Franco is playing Tommy Wiseau, the director of the shit show masterpiece The Room, in The Disaster Artist. James Franco is directing too and it also stars his brother Dave Franco, Ari Graynor, Alison Brie, Hannibal Buress, Kate Upton, Zac Efron, Jacki Weaver and Josh Hutcherson. Oh yeah, Seth Rogen’s in it too, but that pretty much goes without typing, because if those two brofriends go more than 8 hours without seeing each other, they’ll end up shaking in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Kind of like what happens to me whenever PornHub goes down.

You know, I don’t really get “Tommy Wiseau” from these pictures. To me, James Franco looks more like what you’d get if you put up an ad on Craigslist looking for a bootleg Peter Steele impersonator who will work for 2 beers and shank weed. What I’m saying is that James Franco should get that gutter wig permanently attached to his head, because this is the hottest he’s looked in a while.

Pics: Wenn.com

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It’s The End Of A Fame Whore Era: Kitson Is Closing

/ December 11, 2015

Put on your Team Aniston or Team Jolie t-shirt, throw a Von Dutch hat on your head and pour out the iced tea you got to go from The Ivy, because the once fame whore capital of Robertson Blvd. is closing forever. Gone is the dream that one day you’ll get to text your friend on your bedazzled Sidekick about how you just saw Kimberly Stewart and Brittny Gastineau buy matching Mrs. Kutcher t-shirts and baby blue UGGs at Kitson. Let us all cry into our Juicy Couture sweats (you know, the ones with “Juicy” on the ass), because a piece of the early 2000s has died.

I did not know that there are 17 Kitsons spread throughout California, Oregon and Nevada, but it’s true. Who knew that there were 17 places on the West Coast where I could buy an Adderall jersey and a sequined trucker cap. But the Los Angeles Times says that all of those 17 stores, including their main one on Robertson, will soon be empty shells filled with the dusty memories of fame whores buying their overpriced crap just so the paparazzi will take their picture. Kitson’s website is also closing. Their going-out-of business sale started yesterday.

Since fame whores are fickle messes, Kitson is no longer the jewel of the ho stroll like it once was. It hasn’t been doing well money-wise and the company that owns Spencer’s tried to save it, but it was too late.

In 2013, the company got a $15-million credit line from Salus Capital Partners to refinance its debts and provide working capital.

Then this summer, Spencer Spirit Holdings Inc., which owns the Spirit Halloween costume stores and Spencer’s novelty gift shops, agreed to extend a loan to Kitson to pay down the loan with Salus and stave off the bankruptcy that was likely to follow.

RIP Kitson. You’ll always be a major part of the simpler times when Kim Kartrashian was known as “Paris Hilton’s assistant.

And let’s take a stroll down fame whore memory lane….

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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The Queen Bee Went Out Last Night

/ December 11, 2015

Don’t look at the screen like, “Michael, why are you calling Jocelyn Wildenstein’s unknown Asian half-sister ‘the Queen Bee.’” It’s the real Queen Bee (sorry, Beyonce) and the chameleon of rap, Lil Kim, keeping the question, “Harpo, who dis woman?” alive by showing up to the NYC premiere of WE tv’s “Growing Up Hip Hop” looking entirely brand new. She’s giving you the love child of a lucky cat and Victoria Gotti. I saw these pictures on Twitter earlier and after blinking a few dozen times, I still couldn’t figure out who it was. When you can’t place a face, just go ahead and assume it’s Lil Kim since she’s the grand dame master of disguise.

And Taye Diggs also showed up wearing this….

tayediggsbikemessengerchic

It was really nice of Taye Diggs to find some time between his deliveries to show up to that event. And up until now, I never had a fap fantasy involving Taye Diggs as a bike messenger.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Boyd Holbrook Got Dumped By The Third Olsen Sister On The Same Day His Best Friend Died

/ December 11, 2015

Actor/model type Boyd Holbrook (no relation to Hal) and Elizabeth Olsen were a thing for about 3 years and they even got engaged. But they broke up last year and she maybe moved on to Loki’s peen. Elizabeth Olsen and this Boyd Holbrook dude never confirmed that they were engaged and they never came out and said that they were done bumping fuck parts. Everyone assumed they broke up, because she stopped wearing her engagement ring and they stopped going to events together. I know that the question, “What happened to the third Olsen sister and whatshisface?”, has been sitting in your brain for months. Well, Boyd finally broke his silence to Man of the World magazine about the day an Olsen quit him. Boyd says that his heart was already broken into a million pieces from finding out that his best friend David Armstrong had died and then Elizabeth Olsen came along and stomped on those broken pieces. via UsWeekly

“On the same day that my best friend died, I got a call from my girl to tell me it was over,” the Gone Girl actor told Man of the World in Issue No. 14. Though Holbrook didn’t mention Olsen by name, he was engaged to the actress when his best friend, photographer David Armstrong, passed away in October 2014 from liver cancer. He was 60.

“David was the first person in my life to encourage me,” said Holbrook, who was oftentimes photographed by the shutterbug. “He told me to do everything I wanted to do. No one had ever told me that before. He was a very important figure in my life. Important figure is not even close to what he was.”

Boyd says that the death of his best friend pushed him into a deep depression for a while.

If Elizabeth Olsen didn’t know that Boyd’s friend had died when she tossed their love into the dumpster, I can’t say that her heart is a Foreigner song. But if she did know and chose that day to dump his ass anyway, her heart is a charcoal shell filled with the blood of Satan and her sisters the Trollsens have never been more proud of her in their entire lives!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Goopy Paltrow Isn’t Bothered By The Goop Heist And Think It’s Good Publicity

/ December 11, 2015

When Goopy Paltrow found out that her Goop pop-up store in Manhattan got robbed of $173,000 in jooree last week, she didn’t scream for the guvnah or for Scotland Yard. Goopy queefed out a steamed ball of excitement over how much publicity her temporary emporium of way-overpriced shit would get. That’s how Goopy’s mom Blythe Danner makes it sound anyway. The thieves got away with a $106,000 vintage Bulgari bracelet, a $43,730 David Weiss bracelet and three Rolexes totaling $23,465. At the New York Women in Film & Television lunch, Page Six asked Blythe Danner about the Goop store getting burgled (Side note: I bust out a giggle on the inside every time I type “burgled.” It’s the litte things…) and she said that Goopy thinks it’s good publicity.

“I called her immediately. And she said, ‘Oh, Mom, it’s OK. It’s good publicity.’ She always has a good spin on things, and I admire her tenacity and her upbeat message.”

Page Six channeled their inner Detective La Toya and asked the question, “Was the heist at Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop store a publicity stunt?” The plot thickens like Goopy’s clit whenever she thinks about getting her vagina steamed. Goopy better find out how to make a vagina steamer out of a hot plate, an empty tin can and unfiltered tap water in prison, because Page Six is on the case. But seriously…

Goopy doesn’t care, because I’m sure all that crap was insured and even though her head is firmly shoved up delusion’s ass, she probably knows that nobody was ever going to buy that crap anyway. So Goop will probably get their money back (hmmm…).  But I don’t think she would care even if it wasn’t insured. Goopy flushes $173,000 down her toilet almost every week. No, really the liquid gold and pink dolphin tears enema she gives herself every week costs $173,000.

And here’s possible criminal STUNT QUEEN Goopy Paltrow at Rob Lowe’s Walk of Fame ceremony in Hollywood the other day.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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