So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.

Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.

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Here’s Beyonce leaving a holiday party for her company Parkwood Entertainment in NYC last night and I had to blink a few times before I figured out that this isn’t RiRi in one of her everyday outfits. This is just adding more fuckery fuel to the rumors that Jay-Z humped on RiRi. I mean, Jay-Z is making Beyonce dress like RiRi now!

I know that this look is supposed to be all quirky and spontaneous and like something she threw on while getting wasted at her office holiday party, but I bet it took 4 stylists, an approval from Anna Wintour and 8 designers to put it together. It almost didn’t come together, because FedEx was late in delivering the custom-made Hermes rabbit fur and red-dyed mohair Santa hat from France. They almost had to go with the mink and sable Santa hat from Prada and that would’ve ruined everything!

Pics: Splash

Kelly Rutherford’s never-ending, messy-as-fuck custody battle ended up in a court room in Monaco today and the judge ruled against her ass. The judge gave full custody to Kelly’s ex-husband, Daniel Giersch. The Daily Mail said that the judge also ruled that she can never ever bring her children, Hermes and Helena, back to the US and she can only visit them in France and Monaco. But Kelly’s lawyer tells TMZ that The Daily Mail’s story isn’t totally made of 100% truthiness. Daniel did get full custody today, but Kelly’s appeal will be heard later this week, so she’s not totally out and may be able to bring her kids to the US for a visit. (UPDATE: People says that the judge also ruled today that Kelly can’t bring her kids to the US. She can only visit with them in Monaco or France.)

After courts in California and New York rejected the case because they felt like they didn’t have jurisdiction over it, it fell into the hands of the court in Monaco. Kelly has been in Monaco trying to win the right to bring her children back to the US. Many “experts” said that the chances of a baby unicorn flying out of her asshole are greater than her winning the right to bring her children to the US. Kelly’s children stayed with her in New York for the summer, but she violated the custody agreement by refusing to put them on a plane back to Monaco. Experts say that she’ll probably get supervised visits in France and Monaco and that’s about it.

The Daily Mail says that Kelly didn’t totally lose hard in court today. The judge declared that Daniel has to pay her $3,281 a month in support. Kelly went bankrupt from fighting for her kids, so maybe that $3,281 a month will put a teeny tiny little dent in her lawyer fees? I mean, that $3,281 may pay for the pen that her lawyer used to sign her 1,100,000th appeal.

The judge also said that Kelly and Daniel must make decisions about their childrens’ health, schooling and religious education together. Kelly and Daniel have proven that they fight about everything and they want what the other one doesn’t want, so I’m sure these two will work together to make the best decisions for their children!

The judge should know how these two wrecks are and ruled that all decisions about their children must be made by a Magic 8-Ball. Shit, just give full custody to the Magic 8-Ball too.

Pic: Wenn.com

Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:

“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”

You can watch the entire interview here if you want.

Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….

LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:

@aliana thank you sister.. Maybe who you're referring to should learn to support others like #mayaangelou pic.twitter.com/hUYJZAQ2RH

— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015

So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.

Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.

But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.

I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.

Pics: Wenn.com

I’ll get to the people who were actually in Star Wars: The Force Awakens in a minute, but first, here’s some of the messes who weren’t in the movie but showed up because they either wanted to see it for free or they wanted to get their picture taken. Or both!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt led the LOOK AT ME train by showing up to the premiere in Hollywood looking like what I think is supposed to be Yoda? What in the hell kind of GD Yoda is that? Dude looks more like somebody’s mom answering the front door on a Sunday morning with a seaweed mask on her face. It looks like Shrek shot a 6-day load on his face. If the tip of JGL’s nerd boner gets moist for Star Wars, he should’ve tried a little bit harder. A hotel bathrobe, Grinch pajama bottoms from T.J. Maxx, converse and a baby poop face mask does not make a Yoda costume. Maybe JGL not-so-secretly hates Star Wars and his fuck effort outfit is his way of saying, “This shit is stupid.” Whatever the case may be, he should’ve been arrested for this.

Both Sofia Vergara and Maria Menonous wore Princess Leia-like hairstyles, and Jaime King, the den mother of Taylor Swift’s squad, also got an invitation for some reason and I don’t think she came dressed as one of the characters. I mean, I guess Jaime King can say she came dressed as a trick who had a one-night-stand with Chewbacca and made an outfit out of a bed sheet and his huge tuxedo shirt for the walk home. Will Taylor Swift please increase Jaime’s allowance so bitch can buy a real outfit? Jaime’s WTF ensemble is in the gallery as well as pictures of Karreuche Tran (???) and Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s latest piece. Attention Whores: The Thirst Awakens!

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty