Victoria Principal (66)
Nash Overstreet (30)
Nicole Beharie (31)
Eli Manning (35)
Alex D. Linz (27)
Lloyd (30)
Asa Akira (31)
Nicole Beharie (31)
Eli Manning (35)
Kimberly Locke (38)
Thomas Bangalter (41)
Jason Marsden (41)
Danica McKellar (41)
Mimi Faust (46)
Bruce LaBruce (52)
Mel Gibson (60)
John Paul Jones (70)
Cissy King (70)
Stephen Stills (71)
Dabney Coleman (84)

There are currently 5,384,966 (I’m probably under-estimating) covers of Adele’s “Hello” floating around on the YouTube, and I’m sure there are 5,384,966 more that are being emotionally hollered into a laptop camera as we speak. But all that time making sure the lock on the bathroom door still works and angling the camera so that you don’t get a shot of the toilet in the background was a waste of time and file space on our computers, because the greatest “Hello” cover has been recorded.

Celine Dion paid tribute to the 4th greatest singer in [chest thump] in da world (#2 and #3 are also Celine) by belting out “Hello” during her show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas on New Year’s Eve. Obviously it’s not going to be as dramatic as the original, since Celine doesn’t know the agony of calling up your ex on a cheap flip phone and ugly wailing into it. But it’s the French-Canadian Poutine Chanteuse bringing some vocal melodrama, and that’s all you really need.

Maybe it’s because my ears are busted from listening to Ke$ha’s Warrior more than zero times, but it sort of sounds like she’s saying “At least I can’t see Donald Trump” at the 2:17 mark. I don’t know why anyone would ever say that, but I’m going to pretend she totally did that on purpose.

I don’t know if the Guinness people keep track of this kind of thing, but surely this is some kind of world record. Less than 48 hours into the new year, and already we have our first “Chris Brown went Chris Brown on someone” story of 2016. According to TMZ, a woman named Liziane Gutierrez is claiming that Chris Brown punched her in the face during a private party in his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas early this morning. Chris was in Las Vegas for a performance at Drai’s last night.

Liziane Gutierrez says it happened after she tried to take a picture of him. Apparently she was able to sneak her cellphone into the party without his security team noticing, so she decided to take a picture. Why you would want a picture of Chris Brown’s face, I don’t know. But she did, and and once he noticed she had taken a picture, he allegedly started screaming at her and punched her once in her right eye.

TMZ says Liziane left the party and called the police, but she wasn’t taken to the hospital. The police tell TMZ they’re currently investigating this mess, and confirm that Chris Brown is the suspect. A rep for Chris Brown says the allegations are “undeniably untrue.”

All of this is still in the ‘alleged’ stage right now, so not too many details are known. But one thing we do know for sure is this: that Chris Brown’s sober companion Scott Disick is doing a shitty fucking job of keeping his ass out of trouble.

Here’s Chris Brown looking like the long-lost member of The Midnight Society a few hours before it allegedly all went down.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Yesterday, Amish hipster Harry Styles was “caught” (read: the paps showed up at the right place at the right time) kissing on the most legitimate Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, on a yacht in St. Barts. I guess Harry didn’t want to spend another day listening to Kendall’s pimp, Kris Jenner, barking “What is this, amateur hour? Arch your ass harder!” at them from the upper deck, so they called up Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and invited them over for lunch. “Fine. You get an hour. But after that, it’s back to choreographed cuddling” hissed Kris Jenner, before muttering “Kim would never have taken a break…” under her breath.

According to People, Kendall and Harry had lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht, which makes totally sense and isn’t random at all, because why wouldn’t a 57-year-old woman and her 42-year-old wife want to hang out with two fame-humping fetuses? No, it’s probably because Kris Jenner wanted to see if she could get any more mileage out of those gay rumors before retiring them to the back of the Kardashian Rumor Kloset, and Ellen and Portia were the most famous gayelles available in St. Barts.

Here’s more riveting photos of Kendall and Harry having lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht earlier today. You know you truly have your priorities in order when all you care about is what they had for lunch. Who cares about those two pieces of stale dry toast – I wanna know what kind of rich people food they ate! Like, those paps took 6.8 million pictures and you mean to tell me they couldn’t get one clear shot of the food? Jesus, get it together.

Pics: Splash

If you watched any of CNN’s New Year’s Eve coverage, you would have learned two things: one, that CNN’s New Years Eve coverage is still a glorious mess, and two, that if Don Lemon is drunk enough, he’ll tell you what he thinks of Kathy Griffin’s over-inflated Pogo Bal boobies.

It all happened shortly after Kathy’s semi-annual tradition of whipping off her top and strutting around Times Square with Anderson Cooper. Normally this would be the sort of thing your brain would be kind enough to erase from your memory and promise to never speak of it again. But either Don Lemon was lit as fuck or he has a mouth like a a budget birthday party loot bag (ie: it’s filled with the kind of random shit that makes you go “Sure, I guess” when you dump it out), because he responded by telling her she had a “nice rack.” All the awkwardness happens at the 1:00 mark.

To put this into perspective for a younger generation who aren’t familiar with any of the above, if Kathy Griffin’s tits were a famous person’s Instagram, Don Lemon would be the first person commenting “QUEEN I love you, please come to Brazil.”

I think the most awkward part of that video isn’t that Don Lemon used the words “nice rack” like someone’s middle-aged uncle talking about Kate Upton, but that he turns into an obnoxious beer-chugging bead-wearing frat bro when he gets drunk. I honestly kept waiting for the camera to pan down and reveal that he was wearing a pair of salmon shorts and beat-up boat shoes, or catch him lifting a bottle of Jäger from behind the bar and begging Brooke Baldwin to let him do a shot off her stomach.

Not content to let her ex-husband cause a massive nationwide drought with his latest thirst-quenching stunt, Miranda Lambert – seen above snuggling some sort of Brooklyn Bill Gates impersonator – decided to get in on the action too. And frankly, I’m SHOCKED it took this long. Shortly after Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton took their marriage out behind Pa’s barn and gave it the Old Yeller treatment back in July, rumors started going around that she practically had an air traffic controller directing dick to her coochie. So naturally I assumed she’d be the first to rebound.

Sadly, I underestimated the power of a desperate publicity team and it turned out Blake would beat her to it with Gwen Stefani (who are currently gunning for an ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Achievement Award). Miranda, however decided to take a much more subtle and traditional approach: she threw up a picture of herself and her new man in matching floppy hats to Instagram with the caption “The snuggle is real.” No public FaceTime chats? No shameless pop/country crossover duet? How positively quaint.

According to People, the hipster elf snuggling under Miranda’s blanket is a 27-year-old R&B singer named Anderson East. My initial response to that was to side-eye Miranda for breaking the half-your-age-plus-7 rule, but apparently she’s only 32. In which case, get it girl! Get that fresh five-years-younger rebound dick!

Speaking of quaint, here’s one-half of Stefon (I know, how DARE sully Stefon’s good name like that) doing her weekly pap walk at the nail salon with her phone screen in full view. And for once in what seems like forever, there isn’t a crystal-clear FaceTime call with Blake Shelton on it. But…but she always has a public FaceTime call with Blake Shelton open on her phone! Something is very wrong here – there’s clearly a disturbance in the attention whore force. Hold me, I’m scared.

Pics: Miranda Lambert, Wenn.com