Open Post: Hosted By Tommy Lee Getting Stuck In His Drum Kit Roller Coaster

/ January 3, 2016

In case you couldn’t tell from that picture above, Tommy Lee does this thing when he’s performing with Mötley Crüe where he plays a song from a drum kit that’s attached to a roller coaster track. I’ve seen it in real life (because I’m a trash rat who loves Mötley Crüe), and it’s pretty insane. But something terrible happened during Mötley Crüe’s final show in Los Angeles on New Year’s Eve, and no, it wasn’t that they ran out of groupies backstage. While climbing over the second hump, Tommy Lee’s drum kit roller coaster quit on him and left him dangling upside down like a dirtbaggy ragdoll. It all happens around the 3:30 mark.

Fun Fact! Tommy Lee wasn’t even strapped in to that thing; he managed to avoid falling into the crowd by wrapping his super long dick around his drum kit and hanging on for dear life.

Eventually a couple roadies shimmied up the track and tried to kickstart its heart (I’ll show myself the door for that one), but it was pretty much dead and Tommy had to climb down. Tommy Lee wasn’t hurt, of course, because Tommy Lee is our species’ closest link to the cockroach and will live forever.

via Stereogum

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Drake And Amber Rose Might Be A Thing

/ January 3, 2016

The last time we glanced at Drake’s Hilroy notebook, he had crossed out Rihanna’s name and was scribbling “Serena Williams” (I’s dotted with hearts, of course) all over the cover. Something must have happened, because all of a sudden they weren’t a thing anymore. Maybe Drake triggered Serena’s clinger alarm by sending her a link to MakeMeBabies.com one day (“OMG Wouldn’t it be so funny if we did this as a joke? Haha totally not serious lol…but like, what are your favorite baby names?“). Who knows.

But it sounds like Drake hasn’t been spending his nights crying into his Kyle Lowry jersey and listening to Everything’s Dust by Downtown Sasquatch. According to Page Six, Wheelchair Jimmy has recently been popping his emergency brake for Amber Rose. A source (greetings, Amber!) says that Drake and Amber had a “very private” dinner on Friday night in Miami. Hollywood Life jumped in and backed up Page Six by saying that a insider told them Drake and Amber were also seen the Soho Beach House together and that “they definitely seemed more than friends.

Neither Drake or Amber have confirmed that they’re humping on each other. Amber did, however, Instagram a video of Drake dancing in one of Amber’s MUVA hats yesterday, so I’ll take that as a hard yes.

Drake and Amber Rose make total sense to me. I mean, Drake loves strippers, and Amber used to be one. Plus, Amber is an undeniable authority on asses, which is something that will no doubt come in very handy when dealing with Drake.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Spent New Years Together

/ January 3, 2016

If I were to guess how Miley Cyrus spent her New Year’s Eve, I’d say she probably rang in the new year by doing topless shots of moonshine off a stoned alien’s bare ass while a glitter-covered Wayne Coyne played a trippy version of ABBA’s “Happy New Year” on an analog synthesizer. But apparently I’d be way off.

According to People and TMZ and everyone who witnessed it in real life and had to check what year it was (“Did I go back in time to 2012?“), Miley Cyrus spent New Years with her former-fiancé Liam Hemsworth. Yes, the picture above that looks like it was shot by Bob Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson is of Miley and Liam hanging out in Australia. Australia! You know the dick is good when you’re willing to put up with the non-stop asshole cramps you’ll get during a 15-hour flight to Australia.

It sounds like it wasn’t just two friends hanging out, either. Sources tell The Daily Telegraph that the Hillbilly Weed Princess and Thor’s brother were seen “cuddling and kissing” at a music festival on Sunday night. Miley was also at the Hemsworth brother’s Wild West-themed New Year’s Eve party (something that has made a bunch of people shout “Thor, NO!” on the internet).

When people where whispering back in April that Miley was rubbing her chicken n’ dumplings on Liam’s didgeridoo again, I was like “Uh huh, sure.” But it might actually be true this time. After all, it sort of makes sense. Miley and Liam have been broken up for almost three years, which is definitely long enough to grow, reflect, experiment, get your slut on, and return back with a clear head and a properly broken-in crotch. It also provided Liam with many relationship discoveries. “Miley, I thought it was gross when you’d lean in for a kiss and accidentally rip a pizza burp in my face. Then I realized you’re not the only one, and I’m ready to accept it.

Pic:
Twitter

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Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him

/ January 3, 2016

And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!

Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.

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Chris Brown Says He Didn’t Punch That Woman In His Hotel Room Because She Was “Too Ugly” To Get In

/ January 3, 2016

Is there’s a word for when your defense makes you seem like even more of a dick than what you were accused of? I’m going to call it an Asshole’s Alibi. So Chris Brown has finally opened up his mouth about the woman who accused him of punching her in the face during an early-morning party in his hotel room in Las Vegas yesterday, and out came an asshole’s alibi.

TMZ says that Chris Brown responded to Liziane Gutierrez’s accusation that he punched her in the face by throwing up a video (and then immediately yanking it down) where he accused her of being a liar who was never even at the party because she was “too ugly” to get in. Chris thinks Liziane made up the face-punching story because she’s after some cash. You can watch that here, if you would like to see a rough-looking Chris Brown defending his spotless reputation. He also called out Liziane on Instagram, because of course he did.

Chris Brown’s people are also side-eying Liziane’s story. A rep tells TMZ that Liziane was kicked out of the party on Saturday morning for being an out-of-control disaster. Once she was in the hallway, she turned into a loud mess who started screaming that she could “buy everyone in the hotel.” They also say she never had a phone inside his room, and there was no picture taken. Wait, so does this mean she was in the room? Somebody better sit Chris Brown down with his reps and tell them to get their stories straight.

One of the things Chris Brown mentions while dragging Liziane is her appearance in a video with Jason Derulo. According to TMZ, that would be the time Liziane Gutierrez was left behind at a club by Jason Derulo and her friends back in August. Shortly after, a pissed-off Liziane sort-of accused Jason Derulo of making her friends do things they didn’t want to do. I don’t know if that means anything in regards to the face-punching accusation, but I do know this: finding out your girls ditched your ass at the club so they could party with the dude who sings “Talk Dirty“? Liziane needs to get some better friends.

Pic: Chris Brown

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ January 3, 2016

Chic Jeans!

There are a million good things about the 20th century’s decade of decadence, the 1980s, but one of them was that you didn’t need a pile of money to look like a goddess of casual glamour. If you couldn’t afford Gloria Vanderbilt or Calvin Klein jeans, you could took your ass to Walmart or JcPenney and pour your legs into pure denim elegance by Chic jeans. Chic jeans are so chic that it’s not pronounced “sheik,” it’s pronounced “chick.”

Chic jeans aren’t “mom jeans,” they’re MILF jeans, because they can turn anyone into a flat-assed sex machine. The Chic jeans of the 80s were high-waisted, peg-legged and I remember some of them having slits at the ankles. Many people in the 1980s probably suffered concussions from fainting on the floor after seeing a hot “chic” walk by in Chic jeans, Candie’s mules and a crop sweater. Chic jeans were Gloria Vanderbilt’s way classier second cousin who smoked Misty cigarettes, ordered Tab with rum at the club and got caught by the police giving her boyfriend a handy in his Honda Prelude.

Chic jeans also created commercials of pure gold. They had so many of them and each one was hotter than the last one. Get into the chic-ness and glamour of it all:

Chic jeans made it out of the 1980s and they’re still around today, which shocked my ass. I figured that they would’ve died in the early 90s since the people didn’t understand or appreciate pure sophistication back then. They don’t look the way they used to look, though. Those Chic jeans-wearing club tricks grew up to be Chic capris-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving moms whose prized possession is an autographed copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and who have pretty much given up:

chicjeansglamourstill2016

It’s nice to know that after all these years, Chic jeans are still making ladies look as hot and sexy as possible!

Pics: Etsy, Chic

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