Lifetime has pooted out the teaser trailer for their next highly-anticipated (by me and probably only me) crusty turd of a cinematic masterpiece, and as expected, it looks like it’s going to be a zero-budget disaster that’s about as artistic as Adnan Ghalib’s pube strip. Lifetime really never lets you down.
In the 30-second trailer for the shit-named Britney Ever After, Britney (played by Natasha Bassett) shaves her head, attacks a pack of paps with an umbrella and marries a basic cable Kevin Federline. (I don’t know why they didn’t try to get the real KFed, because he would’ve done it for a $5 gift certificate to Blimpie.) Natasha’s accent is missing a ton of chicken fried twang and I’ve already spotted some inaccurate shit in this 30-second trailer, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
— Hollywood Reporter (@THR) January 23, 2017
That looks like a tiny step above two kids recreating Brit Brit’s life story in their garage using a busted off-brand Skipper doll from the 99 Cent Store and a not-so-gently-used Justin Timberlake doll bought from a garage sale. With that said, February 18th will be my Christmas. (And I just dissed myself since on any given Saturday night you can find me recreating Brit Brit’s life story using a busted off-brand Skipper doll from the 99 Cent Store and a not-so-gently-used Justin Timberlake doll bought from a garage sale.)
Aziz Ansari hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend and his monologue was just him doing stand-up. And since his episode happened the day after the inauguration, his jokes were mostly about Trump. Aziz probably expected his monologue would trigger a Twitter tantrump. Instead, the person who slapped at him the next morning was Chris Brown. Sorry, I really should have specified that it was a verbal slapping. It is Chris Brown we’re talking about, after all.
Real love IS a trick risking his life by putting his head on Iggy Azalea’s DuPont factory of an ass. Because if she blew out a fart onto his face, he would’ve died of toxic plastic fume inhalation a few seconds later.
French Montana, rapper-type and survivor of the Kartrashian Man Kurse, and Iggy Azalea, alleged rapper turned (insert the name of whatever the hell she does now), got together last August. During Friggy’s reign as the definition of true love’s favorite couple, he went to Jared seven times for her and they partook in some couples animal cruelty by posing with a poor circus elephant at his birthday party. Since both French and Iggy are certified attention whores, I figured that they would eventually get married in a televised wedding on the season finale of their E! reality show. But sadly, it looks like their love has died like that poor elephant’s sense of dignity when it was forced to perform for those two dildo dingles.
Keke Palmer, star of Scream Queens and hoochie wear legend in the making, is currently very pissed off at Trey Songz. Keke has accused Trey Songz of getting her drunk and using “sexual intimidation” to get her to appear in a music video. Because Keke is a famous person under the age of 30, she spilled the details of their drama on Instagram.
After just two years of wet burping up saliva bubbles of concentrated foolery as a talking head on Fox News, Stacey Dash has been dropped. Some may say that Stacey was fired, but I say that Stacey was given alternative employment. You know that a layer of nervous sweat covered Omarosa’s forehead today as she walked to her new office while half-expecting to find a pink-slip before finding out that she’s been replaced by Dionne from Clueless.
The Hollywood Reporter says that the professional re-tweeter hasn’t been on Fox News since September 2016, and that’s because they chose not to renew her contract. A rep for Fox News says that they decided not to renew her contract because they realized that even she’s too crazy for them and they also discovered that they’ll save a lot of money and get the same kind of commentary if they just replace her with a whoopee cushion full of cold farts. (That is an alternative fact that will probably become a fact fact when Fox News announces that their new contributor is a whoopee cushion full of cold farts.)
Dionne from Clueless is the political mind of our time, so this is a sad day for politics, journalism and the world! But whatever, Stacey doesn’t need Fox News anyway. Why would Stacey want to embarrass herself on basic cable when she can embarrass herself on prime time network television, like she did last year:
Aaron Rodgers is currently in the middle of some very messy family drama. We know this because both Aaron’s blabbermouth daddy Ed Rogers and his fame-chasing brother Jordan Rodgers keep talking about it. Aaron hasn’t been around his family in about two years, and it reportedly has something to do with his girlfriend Olivia Munn. The Rodgers’ family doesn’t like Olivia and they allegedly think she’s turned him into Mr. Hollywood. Aaron isn’t saying shit about his family’s issues, because he doesn’t think it’s “appropriate” to air their laundry out in public. Olivia Munn, on the other hand, has found a way to sort-of give her feelings on the matter.
On Sunday night, the Green Bay Packers – Aaron’s team – lost a conference championship game to the Atlanta Falcons, which means Aaron won’t be going to the Super Bowl. Olivia congratulated her man’s team on a season well done. And she just so happened to sneak in a little dig at Aaron’s family while she was at it. Good work on the multi-tasking, Olivia!
I think it’s safe to say that Olivia just officially got herself uninvited from the next 10 Rodgers family Thanksgiving dinners.
Because I have a deep appreciation for shit-stirring shade, I applaud Olivia’s ability to do Papa Ed and Lil’ Jordan like that. But I also think she could have taken it way farther. I’m sure she wanted to keep it subtle, but why bother? Go big or go home! Something like “THANK YOU all for using your mouths to cheer and not to blab to the press like some people. Packers fans are truly the BEST FAMILY Aaron could ask for.”