Daniel Craig may have said back in 2015 that he’d rather “slash his wrists” than play James Bond ever again, but his checking account was more like, “Ehhhh, that direct deposit from MGM is gonna be a tourniquet that stop’s the bleeding, Drama Queen.”
The New York Times (via People) reports Danny boy will be back as Bond in November of 2019. Mieka reported back on her and my first day at DListed Elementary School that the new 007 flick might be a reunion of sorts, as Adele might return to croon out the movie’s song. Which is great, because Spectre was doomed from the start with Sam Smith’s cat screeching.
Daniel really holds back when speaking to the press, so it’s unclear why he would decide to ever return the franchise he so famously poo-poohed. Just kidding, he told Time Out back in 2015, “If I did another Bond movie, it would only be for the money.” And money, it is! Sony is said to be offering him $150 MILLION to do two more films. While that is a LOT of shaken martinis, let’s just call a spade a spade: that’s just what the production and craft services teams pooled to offer him, just so they don’t have to hear Tom Hiddleston blab about how seeing him boning the Bond Girl in 3-D is going to really boost morale around UNICEF sites around the world.
I am not kidding when I say I just looked out my window to check and see if any large, scary gray clouds filled the sky. I got this nervous feeling that the remaining Twihards (their numbers may be small, but their obsession is strong) might collectively react to this news by mentally manifesting an angry storm. Thankfully they might be kept busy trying to decode Robert Pattinson’s purposefully cryptic message.
America’s most high profile bag ladies, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, were bridesmaids at close friend/watch designer Cassie Coane’s wedding this weekend, where the dress code for all the gals was simply floral (groundbreaking!). Rookie mistake, Cass! You never give an Olsen twin an open-ended FAHSHUN command, because one of them inevitably is going to arrive wearing some $10 million piece of WTF that looks like a Sunday school arts and crafts project. Sure enough, while Ashley kind of kept it basic with a black cocktail dress that included what People calls a “statement sleeve,” Mary-Kate threw on what looks like a comforter stolen from the bed of a 1960s-era Woodstock Holiday Inn. The kimono was paired with green mules, floral headband, and the signature Olsen scowl. One of the wedding attendees even managed to catch the
Loch Ness Monster twins smiling on camera:
The upstate New York bash seems like pretty standard Olsen fare: Paleo cooking over an open flame where the poor chefs had to wear old-timey costumes (“What?! I’m dressed like a half-ass geisha! I’m in on the fun, too!” -Mary Kate), orange flower necklaces for the bridesmaids that most certainly never touched a pristine Olsen décolletage, and personalized watercolor illustrationzzzzz. There was no word on what time Mary-Kate’s shift at Benihana started later that night or whether some smartass had the balls to project It Takes Two onto a nearby Hudson River Valley barn, but a boy can dream!
James Cromwell may look like Santa’s dad, but he’s actually only 77 and he’s got a lot of life in him. But instead of taking an elderly skydiving tour or signing up for an Intro to Snapchat class like some active seniors might, he’s out there fighting for what he believes in. That fighting has also gotten him in a bit of trouble. Earlier this month, James was sentenced to a week in jail after refusing to pay a fine stemming from an arrest at a proposed natural gas plant in Wawayanda, NY. James protested again yesterday, but this time he was fighting for the whales.
Thespian Club Barbie Anne Hathaway must have taken that jeer to heart over the years, because the Hollywood Reporter is saying Anne is in talks to take over for Amy Schumer in the live-action Barbie movie. I can already imagine Anne renting a pink convertible from the Hertz at LAX, donning one of Kim Zolciak’s wigs and driving over to producer Amy Pascal’s house to perform Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” on her front lawn, refusing to leave until she gets the part. “I was born for this! America already thinks I’m a stiff!!! Did you know I have an OSCARRR?!”
Amy Schumer’s Barbie was supposed to be all about feminism and identity. Amy’s woke Barb was to suddenly realize she didn’t fit in at the dollhouse, and make a beeline to the real world, because there are obviously no fake, plastic people on these shores! Clearly, Barbie wasn’t going to turn on E! or pass a newsstand while on her enlightened trip to reality.
Sony wouldn’t comment on negotiations, but the movie is still targeted for release next summer, which means Anne’s next chance for an Oscar has to get moving pronto! Amy had to drop out because this thing sounds like a fucking disaster she had scheduling conflicts. Now that she’s just sitting around certainly NOT sticking pins into an Emily Blunt as Mary Poppins voodoo doll, Anne has all the time in the world!
Nicolas Cage went to Kazakhstan in character as Nicolas Cage in Kazakhstan. Nobody does Nicky Cage quite like Nicky Cage. According to People:
The actor caused a social sensation during a recent appearance at the 13th Annual Eurasia International Festival in Kazakhstan, where he posed for a photo alongside the country’s first lady, Sara Nazarbayeva, on Sunday.
Cage wore a shirt and tie underneath the traditional garments, which included an ornate fur robe with gold embellishments and a matching fur hat—and paired the look with a stoic expression the internet found priceless.