I say “touching,” because you may want to touch your tonsils while heaving after imagining Santa Claus using his cinnamon tongue to work an egg nog geyser out of Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden delivered a last-minute Christmas ditty (“You spelled ‘dooty’ wrong.” – a HATER) for you to add to your holiday playlist. Courtney’s Mistletoe Bikini is sort of like a Hustler Magazine reboot of Santa Baby. Courtney takes her grandaddy issues to the North Pole when she yodels about being Santa’s side ho ho ho. After Santa slides into Courtney’s DMs on Twitter, he slides his candy cane down her crotch chimney. I know I brought it upon myself, but my Christmas was ruined about five seconds ago after realizing that I was writing Santa and Porn Iguana fanfic.
I put the video after a cut because it auto-plays and the fact that it auto-plays isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the rest of the video from Santa’s beard looking like it just had a date with Ray-J to Mrs. Claus looking like a jaundice-stricken Grinch in bad drag.
Nicki Minaj might be officially done with Meek Mill. According to Bossip, Meek might have been cheating on her with a boutique owner from Philadelphia for about a year. Nicki probably discovered what was up one day when Meek Mill came back from a trip smelling of cheese steaks and cooch.
Neither Nicki nor Meek has said that they’re over. But their Instagram activity could be a clue. For example, Meek has been posting pictures of asses that don’t belong to Nicki. Meek Mill recently posted (then later deleted) a picture of his alleged lady’s body stocking-wrapped butt on Instagram. Nicki, meanwhile, has been posting motivational shit about people taking you for granted, and cryptic descriptions of shower shoes that probably aren’t actually about the shoes.
If that shady shoe message really was meant for Meek, then I can’t wait to see what kind of visial puns she pulls out to slap back at Azealia Banks. I bet she’s picking out the perfect half-dead azalea plant at Home Depot as we speak.
Bossip claims that Meek Mill didn’t only slip cheater dick into his Philly side piece. He also allegedly gave her money for her boutique. Uh oh. You should never get money involved. I watch daytime TV, I know how this ends. It ends with Meek Mill and Philly boutique lady arguing over whether the money was a gift or a loan while Judge Judy rolls her eyes to Byrd.
When Kanye West had a meltdown and needed to spend time in the mental ward, the remaining dates on the first leg of his Saint Pablo Tour were thrown into the fire pit along with the bones of the woodland creatures his wife’s family sacrifices to their overlord Lucifer. The second leg of the tour was “postponed,” but now TMZ is reporting it’s not happening either. The Saint Pablo Tour now has no legs. I wasn’t planning on referencing the most depressing part in Kids, but yet here we are.
The peroxide-headed distraction that Jabba the Trump recently dangled in front of the media was apparently planning to re-start his tour in 2017. No dates for the second leg of the Saint Pablo Tour were announced, but TMZ says that it was supposed to mainly play Europe. The tour was planning to make stops in Germany, France and the UK. But Kanye’s team reportedly told Live Nation that the chances of the tour starting up again are as slim as the chances of Kylie Jenner’s inflated cartoon titties being real. The second leg isn’t happening.
TMZ also points out that Kanye took out an insurance policy on the tour, which means he’ll probably get a check for lost profits and expenses since it was canceled for medical reasons.
The good news for artsy Sisqó is that now that he doesn’t have to spend time preparing for the next leg on the Rapping And Ranting Tour, he can spend more time inside of Pimp Mama Kris’ Kristmas lair of vulgar trashiness. Architectural Digest once again pledged their allegiance to the dark-side by tweeting a soul-ruining episode of Kribs, which answers the question, “What does Christmas in HELL look like?”
— Architectural Digest (@ArchDigest) December 19, 2016
When Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had their first kid, they waited a loooooong time before revealing they named their daughter James. They didn’t really wait as long this time and they didn’t really bother to “announce” it. Poor second-born babies always get shafted in the attention department.
Ryan brought Blake and their two kids to his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week. He didn’t refer to either of his daughters by name, but I’m assuming that at some point one of them must have referred to the baby one as more than just “the baby“, because UsWeekly says that they can confirm what Ryan and Blake named her. Their second daughter is named Ines Reynolds.
Ryan and Blake deserve a round of applause for managing to find one of the last remaining older lady names that hasn’t yet been appropriated by hipster parents in Brooklyn. “Ines Reynolds” sounds like an 88-year-old bookkeeper at a windows and doors company who still makes out checks on a Paymaster, drinks homemade Tia Maria, and refuses to smoke her Misty Lights anywhere but right in front of the door. Although knowing Blake, I doubt she picked Ines for that reason. It probably came about during her 8th month of pregnancy as she was fanning herself from the hot summer heat with her best Chantilly-lace fan on the lanai. “Goodness gracious, I never…that’s it! Inever! What a charmin’ name.”
Since we’ve already brought you one traumatic tale of the trials and tribulations of a bright shining A-lister in the universe, I’ll bring you another one.
Mischa Barton was the second one knocked out of the 22nd season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases and just like the viewers who watched her attempts at dancing, she screamed out a hallelujah after she was told to jazz walk off the plank. Mischa always looks miserable in the mug, but on DWTS, she really had DMV face (the face you make while waiting at the DMV) and a wet branch has better dancing skills than her. On DWTS, Mischa’s facial expressions were set to “Kristen Stewart taking a shower,” and on the inside she was “Kristen Stewart taking a looong shower.” It was agony for her and she hated every kick ball change.
Poor Snoopy. I’m sure Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott asked him for a loan and he was forced to think of an excuse. “Um, well, I sorta just sunk a whole bunch of money into Charlie Brown’s new hair transplant business, so…”