Louis Tomlinson From One Direction Is A Daddy Now

/ January 22, 2016

Last year, all of our ears nearly exploded from hearing the high-pitched screeches coming from a million Directioners who melted down after hearing the news that one of  Louis Tomlinson’s jizz fishes successfully knocked up his one-time piece Briana Jungwirth. They didn’t want to believe that Louis busted a raw nut up into that gold digging hussy whore’s vagine. But he did and now that baby is here.

A source close to Briana (aka the publicist that Briana probably hired after a 1D dude put a baby in her) tells People that she gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles yesterday. Even though the two aren’t a thing, 24-year-old Louis is reportedly going to move to L.A. to be closer to his brand new kid. The source spilled this out:

“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”

The crazed Directioners who believe that Louis and Harry Styles are the real love affair of our time probably ditched kindergarten today because they’re going to get to the bottom of this. They’re not going to put down their Playskool brand magnifying glasses until they find concrete proof that Briana is a surrogate and Harry and Louis are going to raise THEIR baby on a goat farm in the Netherlands somewhere. I hope that Louis really makes the tiny heads of Directioners pop off by naming his son Harry Jr.

Pic: Splash

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Oscar Nominee Charlotte Rampling Thinks The Boycott Is Racist Against White People

/ January 22, 2016

Every actor who is nominated for an Oscar, has been nominated for an Oscar, has won an Oscar or has touched an Oscar at least once is probably going to be asked about the boycott. Everyone and their weed man is going to be asked about it. Mark Ruffalo, who is nominated this year for Spotlight, said at first that he hasn’t decided if he’s joining the boycott, but last night he tweeted that he’s going to the Oscars in support of the victims of Catholic priest abuse. Oscar winner Laura Jeanne Poon seemed to go the “err, I’m just going to let my publicist write a statement for me” route by saying in a post on Facebook that she’s disappointed that some of 2015’s best films were overlooked and she hopes to see more diversity in the Academy voting membership. But English actress Charlotte Rampling didn’t go that route… unless Paula Deen is her publicist.

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Break Out The Lisa Frank Wedding Invitations! Mimi And Her Billionaire Piece Are Engaged!

/ January 22, 2016

The Butterfly Rainbow Unicornie Princess and Billionaire Shrek have been a thing for less than a year and in pictures they have the chemistry of a dehydrated rutabaga and wet tampon lint, but who cares! They’re still a perfect match, because James Packer is worth billions upon billions of dollars and Mariah Carey is the kind of luxurious swan who is bored with dipping into her own vault of millions to buy her own diamonds. Besides why buy diamonds when you can buy the entire diamond mine?

E! News reported last night that James Packer got on one knee and asked Mimi to be his third wife. He did it in front of her friends at the restaurant Eleven Madison Park in NYC. E! doesn’t have many details about the proposal ceremony, but since this is Mimi we’re talking about, I’m probably not exaggerating when I say that children in cherub costumes danced to one of her songs around her before buff dudes in pink angel costumes lifted her on a unicorn. The unicorn carried her out to the restaurant’s loading dock where a crane carefully put a 10 ton diamond boulder ring on her butterfly finger. Speaking of the ring, Dlisted has an EXCLUSIVO picture of it:

hello-kitty-engagement-ring

Please. Mimi wipes her Hello Kitty anus with diamonds that are bigger than that tiny thing. The Daily Mail has pictures of Mimi’s actual engagement ring and it’s bigger than Liechtenstein. It’s a 35 carat flawless diamond ring. A jewelry expert thinks it retails for around $7.5 million. I am a little disappointed with that ring, honestly. I was expecting a 50 carat pink diamond ring that opens up to reveal a little diamond ballerina twirling to “Always Be My Baby.” That must be Mimi’s real engagement ring and that 35 carat diamond ring is just her casual daytime bling.

This will be Mimi’s third marriage too. Gossip Cop says that she’s still technically married to Nick Cannon. Their divorce hasn’t been made official yet.

A tear is slowly trickling down my cheek as I think about how exquisitely tasteful this wedding is going to be. But then again, since this will be the third marriage for both of them and it’s all about their everlasting love, I’m sure it’ll be a very simple wedding. And by “simple” I mean it’ll cost $100 million instead of $300 million. Okay, it’ll cost $110 million. I mean, Mimi just has to be led down the aisle by 12 baby blue-dyed swans in diamond tiaras.

Pic: Lisa Frank, Wenn.com

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ January 22, 2016

Nerds Cereal!

In the 80s EVERYTHING was turned into a cereal at one point of another. If the Kartrashians were big in the 80s there would definitely had been a Black Cock Cereal (Oh how I wish there was a Black Cock Cereal.) If Charlie Sheen was the huge public mess he is today in the 80s, there would definitely had been a Crack Rock Cereal. Nerds was a big candy in the 80s, so of course they put out a cereal.

The Nerds Cereal was pretty much like the candy. The box was split into two sides, each containing a different flavor. You could eat just one side or you could mix the two. I don’t exactly remember what it tasted like, but when I think of it, the taste of fruit-flavored cough syrup mixed with soggy Corn Pops fills my mouth. In other words, it was delicious!

Nerd Cereal’s tagline was, “Which side are you gonna eat first?” I probably owe Nerd Cereal some money, because I say that tagline every time I’m on a date.

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Birthday Sluts

/ January 22, 2016

Linda Blair (57)
Logic (26)
Nick Simmons (27)
Ray Rice (29)
Willa Ford (35)
Beverley Mitchell (35)
Christopher Masterson (36)
Balthazar Getty (41)
Larry Birkhead (43)
Gabriel Macht (44)
Matt Iseman (45)
Olivia d’Abo (47)
Guy Fieri (48)
Steven Adler (51)
DJ Jazzy Jeff (51)
Diane Lane (51)
Jim Jarmusch (63)
Steve Perry (67)
John Hurt (76)
Seymour Cassel (81)
Piper Laurie (84)

Pic: Playboy

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