I remember when I discovered the vibrate function on my cell phone, too – Penny Grigio

Upvote winner:

…my phone screen has a crack on it. – 38chrysler

Pic: Tosh.0

Malibu Musk!

If you were a kid of the late 80s who wasn’t refined or sophisticated enough for Designer Imposter fragrances and you were too carefree and natural for Exclamation and way too much of a grown adult for Electric Youth, you went to the drugstore and bought Malibu Musk body spray! Malibu Musk came out in 1989 and it was made by the same makers as Designer Imposters so everyone knew it had to be the highest of quality.

Today, Malibu smells like exhaust from all the damn traffic on PCH, burnt Botox and fear from the people who know that Caitlyn Jenner’s drivers license is still valid and she’s still on the loose. But in 1989 and the early 90s, Malibu smelled like sunshine and freshness! Actually I remember it smelling like hairspray and rotten fruit dipped in sugar.

And the song in the commercial….

If you want to make it funky and smell like something crazy in the air, you can buy a brand new bottle of Malibu Musk on eBay for $35.00. Some people on perfume forums claim they’ve seen Malibu Musk at Walgreens. I’ve never seen it. If I do ever see it at Rite-Aid or whatever, my hair will spiral perm itself, my shirt will turn into an oversized B.U.M. t-shirt and my shoes will transform into British Knights. So I hope I see Malibu Musk at a drugstore one day.

Mikhail Baryshnikov (68)
Daisy Lowe (27)
Lily Donaldson (29)
Rosamund Pike (37)
Jake Pavelka (38)
Josh Randall (44)
Patton Oswalt (47)
Mike Patton (48)
Tricky (48)
Alan Cumming (51)
Rupert Boneham from Survivor (52)
Bridget Fonda (52)
Narciso Rodriguez (55)
Keith Olbermann (57)
Frank Miller (59)
Mimi Rogers (60)
Nick Mason (72)
John Witherspoon (74)
Steve Wynn (74)
James Cromwell (76)
Mohamed Al-Fayed (87)

Brit Brit Spears posted 3 videos on Instagram of her bringing the sex in a two piece. Brit Brit looks like she’s in heat in those videos and I’m guessing that’s because they covered her in Slim Jim grease and piped her aphrodisiac scents of choice (KFC and Frapps) into the studio – Lainey Gossip 

Charlie Hunnam is playing a Mexican drug lord in a movie. To which Charlotte Rampling said, “Perfect casting!” – Celebitchy

Hell hath no fury like Papa Smurf in a business negotiation gone wrong – Reality Tea 

Pimp Mama Kris is really slipping, because if one of her hos was going to do a sponsored Instagram post for a toilet company, it should’ve been Kim Kartrashian – Drunken Stepfather

If you squint real hard, you can kind of see Hilary Duff’s nipples  – The Superficial 

A dude celebrated his 29th birthday by doing 29 death drops all over Manhattan, because why not? – Towleroad

Prepare to prolapse out of SHOCK, TLC wanted Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin to stay together for the sake of ratings – Jezebel

When I dance while stoned, I think that I look like this, but I look more like a constipated Elaine Benes – Hollywood Tuna 

Josh Gad did “I Touch Myself” as Donald Trump, because I guess that Lip Sync Battle show doesn’t want any of us to have an orgasm again – HuffPo

Someone on the Internet wants Emma Watson to prove that she’s a real feminist by spending a week in a migrant camp – IDLYITW

And now let’s move on from that to ZAC EFRON’S BARE SWAYING ASS! – OMG Blog 

Val Kilmer is looking good – SOW

Jane the Virgin is dating Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec – Popsugar

At first I thought that Vanessa Hudgens was completely pantless and I just shrugged since she totally would – Popoholic

Rest in peace, Heather the Goat – Just Jared

A few years ago, Sam Kashner, a contributing editor for Vanity Fair, gave us the 9/11 road trip story of our dreams. I’m sure you’ve already memorized this story word for word and you tell it to yourself every night before bed, but I’ll give you the quick version anyway. Sam claimed that on 9/11, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando were all in NYC for his concert. After the attacks, Michael’s friends in Saudi Arabia told him to get the hell out of NYC because they believed more attacks were going to happen. MJ, Liz and Marlon couldn’t take a private jet since the airspace was closed, so they rented a car and drove themselves out of there. Marlon apparently made them stop at almost every KFC and Burger King and they got as far as Ohio. One of Elizabeth’s assistants said the story was a lie. But who cares, I still wanted Hollywood to make that movie because it’s a perfect story. Well, it’s being made into a movie and the casting is filled with more WTF than the story.

The Guardian says that one of the most magical moments in history will be made into a dramedy for the British channel Sky Arts. Joseph Fiennes is going to play Michael Jackson, Stockard Channing is doing Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Cox has been cast as Marlon Brando. I guess Joseph’s casting was announced in December and either I missed it or it was full of way too much fuckery for even my brain to digest and I blacked it out. But Joseph said this about the movie back in December:

“It’s a challenge. It’s a comedy. It doesn’t poke mean fun, but it’s a story, possibly urban legend, whereby Michael, Marlon Brando, and Liz Taylor were all together the day before 9/11 doing a concert. Airspace was shut down and they couldn’t get out and Michael had the bright idea to go to hire a car and drive. It’s a fun, lighthearted tongue-in-cheek road trip of what celebrity of that kind is like. But also it’s rather beautiful and poignant about their relationships as well.”

Since they cast the dude from Shakespeare In Love as Michael Jackson circa 2001, they should’ve kept the question marks coming by casting Brian Cox as Elizabeth Taylor and Stockard Channing as Marlon Brando. Was Detective La Toya not available to play MJ or something?! What am I saying? Of course she’s not available. Making a Murderer’s Steven Avery probably hired her to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING for him.

And it’s a good thing Cameron Crowe isn’t directing this because he would’ve cast Emma Stone as MJ.

Pics: Getty

Briana Jungwirth gave birth to Louis Tomlinson’s first kid last week and I’m sure right after she popped that baby out, her pussy made a ka-ching sound. Because she knew she was about to get paid.

TMZ says that Briana and her newborn son are living in a 3 bedroom house in Kardashian Land (aka Calabasas, CA). The Sun says that the rent on Briana’s new house is around $6,000 a month and Louis is paying for it. TMZ’s source says that Briana’s isn’t using her baby as an ATM and wants Louis’ help with bills but isn’t going to be greedy. The source also claims that they haven’t worked out a child support agreement yet. But The Sun’s source says that they’ve already worked out a child support agreement and Louis has agreed to pay Briana around $14,000 a month for the next 18 years. The Sun’s source spilled this out:

“Louis is doing everything he can to provide for mother and baby. He’s very wealthy but is still being hugely generous in the amount he is giving. He’s taking being a dad very seriously.”

The source also claims that Brianna’s gold digger family doesn’t think that’s enough and wants Louis to pay $50,000 a month. The Sun is also going with the rumor that Briana and Louis named their son “Sydney Rain,” which sounds like a cross between a local news weatherman from the late 80s and the name of Sydney Andrews’ body wash.

No matter how much money Briana is getting, she needs to get that 18 years of child support in one large payment. Because if One Direction is the new NSYNC, that means Louis is the new JC Chasez (or is he the new Chris Kirkpatrick? I don’t really know since I don’t have my bachelors degree in 1D). If Louis is the new JC, that means in 10 years he’ll be doing Dancing with the Has-Beens and the county fair circuit. So Briana needs to #getthatlumpsumbitch.

Pic: Wenn.com