The Beyhive planned to use this Saturday as a day of rest to prepare their bodies for tomorrow when they’re going to hump the TV while chanting their favorite psalm (aka their favorite Beyonce song) when she performs on the Super Bowl Halftime Show, but their god fucked that all up by putting out her new song and video. Beyonce first released her new song “Formation” on Tidal, but even she knows that mess is dried up, so it was released on YouTube six seconds later. Beyonce will perform her new song during the halftime show tomorrow while the supposed headliners Coldplay sit backstage eating lukewarm pizza before assistants tell them to wait in the bus because they’re in the way.

Beyonce has pretty much hijacked the Super Bowl from Coldplay, so I’m sure she’ll make Kanye West’s album Waves sink when she releases her new album for free on the same day as his. And she’s probably going to announce she’s knocked up with triplets at the beginning of the Grammys next Monday, so everyone nominated can go ahead and cancel their dress fittings and stay home since that show is going to be a Beyonce worship fest too.

Anyway, here’s the video which is a Vogue spread meets a Black Lives Matter protest meets Big Freedia meets Beyonce sinking a cop car meets Blue Ivy’s first communion:

On one hand, I can’t really get into this all the way, because Basement Baby is supposed to be the Queen of New Orleans! Beyonce just had to snatch that crown away from her! But on the other hand, I love the lyric “When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” I mean, really good dick is worthy of a bottomless basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

The NAACP Image Awards happened in Pasadena, CA last night, and once again, grand master poser Taraji P. Henson melted the eyelashes off of hos left and right with her extra hot posing game. At the Golden Globes last month, Taraji took us on a journey with her poses. She was Scarlett O’Hara with the vapors. She was a shocked Norma Desmond. She was me whenever one of my friends get me a new butt plug for my birthday. She was everything and more.  Taraji played it a little more subtle at the NAACPs last night, but she still posed like she was head of her class at Phoebe Price’s Community College of Exuding Raw Glamour.

Empire won a few NAACP Awards last night including one for Taraji for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series. Taraji should’ve won another award for Outstanding Posing While Holding A Trophy Backstage At The NAACP Awards. Taraji served up intrigue and orgasm faces while posing with that award. She also gets extra points for making sure that we all got a good view of that trophy’s crotch. And I even love that she looked like a cross between Morticia Addams going to a daytime business meeting and a casual Magica de Spell.

Here’s a million more pictures from last night of everyone looking like they’re wearing dresses they bought at Windsor Fashions in the 90s. Well, everyone except for Cree Summer who looked like Pilgrim Pippi Longstocking on the right kind of acid.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Modern Talking!

In the 80s, England was the Queen of the dude pop duos. They gifted all of our senses with musical jewels like Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, Wham!, Soft Cell and Climie Fisher (don’t act like you still don’t know every word of Love Changes Everything). Germany must have gotten sick of England being the largest creator and exporter of pop duos, because in the mid-80s Modern Talking was born!

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Prince Hot Ginge visited with little children at a school in Lancashire today. PHG seems so good with children and that’s a good thing, because he can deal with the kids as I get drunk while watching Real Housewives on my iPad in the bathroom where it’s fucking quiet   – Lainey Gossip 

Sofia Vergara won’t complain about diversity, but she will complain in a few years about her magnificent chichis being too big when she needs a titty reduction – Celebitchy

Good news for Teresa Giudice! Her house arrest (which she spent getting her picture taken at events) is over, so now she can go to events to get her picture taken! – Reality Tea 

MiserAlba looks like a dead-eyed mannequin in Cosmopolitan – Drunken Stepfather

If Robert Kardashian’s ghost really did help Kanye West write his album, then I’m guessing songs titled “Tell That Cunt Whore Kris She Tainted My Daughters” and “Okay, O.J. Really Did It” will be on it – The Superficial 

That big-tittied blonde model who isn’t Kate Upton did GQ Mexico – IDLYITW

A British boy bander not named Harry Styles came out as a lover of peen – Towleroad

This deer obviously framed Steven Avery too – The Berry 

Hilary Duff celebrated her divorce being final by going to Hawaii with her son and the dude she just got divorced from – Popoholic

I thought this was LeAnn Rimes and now I feel like I need to write a really long apology note to Natalie Dormer – Hollywood Tuna 

I see that Kanye West is styling Chrissy Teigen now – Popsugar

Nice try, Chris Martin, but you’re still about as edgy as a beige Polo shirt with a popped collar – HuffPo

Kesha and her mom won a little victory against Dr. Luke – Just Jared

The Property Brothers released a shitty country music video and all I can say is that I really hope Sandra Rinomato, formerly of Property Virgins, releases a disco song one day – Starcasm

Weekend Programming Note: I’m doing this weekend by myself, so it’s going to be on the light side and since I’ll most likely be day drinking there might be more mistakes than usual. But really, what else is new?

Pic: Getty

Henry Cavill posted this picture on Instagram today of him doing Superman training for the Justice League movie. It took me a while to notice his face (“Wait, there’s a face in that picture? Where?!” – you while licking the screen and typing at the same time), but when I did I noticed that his facial expression was a cross between an O face and a “concentrating really hard on trying to poot out a stubborn fart” face. But then again, isn’t there a thin line between someone’s O face and someone’s fart face? I need to stop before I find another way to ruin this hotness even more than I have.

And someone really needs to tell Henry that if he’s serious about his Superman training, he needs to do naked jumping jacks in a SnapChat video. I mean, the real Superman did that while training. I read that in a Superman comic book or something.