Birthday Sluts

/ February 23, 2016

Niecy Nash (46)
Dakota Fanning (22)
Skylar Grey (30)
Aziz Ansari (33)
Emily Blunt (33)
Josh Gad (35)
Kelly MacDonald (40)
Mia Michaels (50)
Michael Dell (51)
Veronica Webb (51)
Howard Jones (61)
Brad Whitford (64)
Patricia Richardson (65)
Shakira Caine (69)
Peter Fonda (76)

Pic: Getty

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Night Crumbs

/ February 22, 2016

Guess who was a vision of 90s lot lizard glamour while leaving a restaurant in L.A.? (Hint: As she walked away from that restaurant, a pissed off worker cursed her damn name as they bleached the sink she just peed in.) – Lainey Gossip 

Today in “too too easy,Backdoor Farrah called a Teen Mom producer “white trash.” – Reality Tea 

Fire up the royal jet, because Duchess Kate is going to need to take a long vacation to the Maldives after she “worked” half a day as a blogger! – Celebitchy

Bella Hadid did Kylie Jenner cosplay the other day – Drunken Stepfather

The return of Chestica Simpson! – The Superficial 

Adam DeVine claims that he’s seen Zac Efron’s peen and says that it’s handsome and veiny. Words are cheap. Pics or GTFO! Shit, I’d even take a drawing on an Etch-A-Sketch – Towleroad

Dear Kanye West, Lisa Loeb did it way better – Jezebel

Angie Harmon wants you to see her stomach, so here’s Angie Harmon’s stomach – Hollywood Tuna 

Vanessa Hudgens wore a mostly normal outfit – Popoholic

Batman v Superman is two and a half hours long, so if your piece drags you to that shit, make sure the other movie you load on your phone to watch during it, is at least two and a half hours long – IDLYITW

Some Vine star (a pixel in my monitor dies every time I type “Vine star”) has a peen and this is what it looks like. And no, I’m not sure if Adam DeVine would call it handsome and veiny – (NSFW) OMG Blog

So you can see Kate Hudson’s hard nipples here, but I’m more interested in that Dress Barn belt from 1987 – The Nip Slip 

Demi Lovato finally took a Calgon bath, calmed down and said more about the #FreeKesha situation – Popsugar

Madonna is still posting pictures of Rocco Ritchie on Instagram – Just Jared

Henry Cavill asks children if they like Batman or Superman better and no by “children” I don’t mean his girlfriend and her friends – The Berry 

Nope, that derp cut that Robert Pattinson got in 2014 is still worse than this wreck – SOW

Pic: FameFlynet

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Wait, Something Called “The Gronk’s Party Ship” Happened This Past Weekend?

/ February 22, 2016

If I would’ve known that something called The Gronk’s Party Ship was happening before it happened, I still wouldn’t have packed a duffle bag full of antibiotics and jumped aboard, but I’m still glad it happened, because it has gifted my eyes with many bro jewels.

Rob Gronkowski, the hot douche meathead from the New England Patriots, hosted a 3-day booze cruise to the Bahamas this past weekend and if you know of The Gronk, it went exactly the way you’d think it went. Everybody was pretty much shit-faced the entire time, they were entertained by Flo Rida, Waka Flaka Flame and Redfoo from LMFAO, The Gronk offered a couple $10,000 to fuck in front of everyone and another couple got engaged on the ship. Nice try, second couple, but getting engaged on The Gronk cruise isn’t as nearly as romantic as fucking in front of everyone on The Gronk cruise.

If you put a magnifying glass over a Jäger shot sitting in the belly button of a Spring Breaker covered in body glitter, you’d see scenes from The Gronk’s booze cruise. It was like a bro’s heaven. There were probably more crabs on the boat than in the sea below them. Deadspin, ESPN and The Boston Globe all have a rundown of The Gronk’s booze cruise, but here’s something that happened. The Gronk served up drunken moves with Flo Rida’s back-up dancers. He looks like a methed-up Baby Huey trying to put out a fire on the ground as red ants attack his ass and dick.

Latergram: Gronk is very serious about his offseason dance training program. #MardiGronk

A video posted by Sarah Spain (@spain2323) on

But the best part of The Gronk’s party cruise is that most of the ship had no idea what was going on. 700 people were part of The Gronk’s cruise and the other 1,600 people on the ship thought they were going on a regular, boring sail to the Bahamas. They had no idea that they were about to be trapped in a floating Spring Break nightmare. The mixture of random old people mixed with Gronk fans produced this beautiful moment:

Grandmas getting down + bros in bucket hats with hot moves + Montell Jordan + a half-empty dance floor = me channeling Old Rose by saying, “The Gronk Party Cruise was the ship of dreams….

Pic: Boston Globe/Getty

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Dr. Luke Tweets Out A River Of Denial About Kesha’s Allegations Against Him

/ February 22, 2016

Dr. Luke went on Twitter today to deny that he got his doctorate at Bill Cosby’s University of Mixology.

Dr. Luke (government name: Lukasz Sebastian Gottwald) signed Kesha to his record label, which is owned by Sony, when she just 18 and she’s currently suing to get out of her contract, because she claims that he repeatedly drugged and raped her. When Kesha lost the latest court fight against Sony and Dr. Luke, he became the most hated monster on Twitter and many people in the music game (from Lady Gaga to Kelly Clarkson who has worked with him before) tweeted their support for Kesha. Even THE MOST POWERFUL WOMAN IN MUSIC, Taylor Swift, donated $250,000 to Kesha. I guess Dr. Luke is trying to save his reputation, because today, his lawyers released a statement saying that Kesha is free to make music without him (but she has to stay on his label) and that all of the allegations against him are not true. His lawyers also said that Kesha’s team has busted out a smear campaign against him on social media and that she’s using dirty tactics to get herself a more “lucrative” contract. That statement wasn’t enough for Dr. Luke, because he defended himself on Twitter and went on and on and on… Welcome to today’s episode of “Not A Good Idea: Tweeting Your Side Of A Rape Allegation.”

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Open Post: Hosted By Sacha Baron Cohen’s Crotch Beard

/ February 22, 2016

Sacha Baron Cohen has a new movie to sell and that means we all better prepare our loins and retinas for the sight of him serving up his nalgas while dressed in character at movie premieres from London to Liechtenstein. Case in hairy point: At the London premiere of Grimsby, SBC made all of us pull imaginary dick hairs out of ours mouths when he hit the camera with views of his crotch beard, furry ass cheeks and faux pubic mutton chops.

If I didn’t already know what Grimsby is about, I’d look at these pictures of Sacha Baron Cohen in character and think it was about the lost Gallagher brother who moved to the East Coast of the US to fulfill his dream of becoming a mobster’s right hand man, but after that didn’t happen, he moved to Florida and got a job as a swap meet security guard. That hot outfit screams “something you’d see on a shopper at a Walmart in Daytona Beach at 3 in the morning.” The only thing that outfit is missing is a pee stain, but then again, maybe his overgrown crotch shrub absorbed all the bladder juices.

And with all that being said, yes, yes, I’d hit it until his crotch rug gave my ass carpet burns and even then, I’d smear some aloe vera on my cheeks and keep going.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Harry Styles? More Like “Stanky Styles,” So Says Kendall Jenner

/ February 22, 2016

Since we’re on the subject of dudes that look like they reek of tonsil stones-encrusted dick cheese boiling in a pot of Brad Pitt’s ass crack syrup, here’s a CNN-worthy story about how Pimp Mama Kris’ #3 girl said that the Nick Jr. Mick Jagger could kill an elephant with his nasty stench.

During an episode of the pro-Illuminati docu-series Krapping Up the Kartrashians, dead-eyed Kendull Jenner and dead-eyed Kylie Jenner had riveting conversation about how her friends with PR benefits partner Harry Styles is Pig Pen’s stank hero. via The Daily Mail 

Speaking to her youngster sibling Kylie Jenner, 18, in an upcoming episode of their family’s E! reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians she said: ‘I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.’

And this isn’t the first time Harry has been told by a girl that he stinks, as his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift – whom he dated briefly in 2013 – claimed she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him when they were dating because he had ‘the worst breath.’

Now I’m not saying that deodorant doesn’t immediately snap back into its container when it gets near one of Harry Styles’ juicy pits, but I don’t think Kendull is the one to properly judge the scent of a human. Look at what she’s around a lot of the time. Most of her family members look like they smell like car paint, new plastic and the blood of Satan. Not to mention that they’ve most likely had every single one of their pores filled in with spackling paste and Botox, because pores are fugly! So whenever Kendull inhales the scent of anything that’s remotely human-smelling, her nostrils close up and she gets the heaves. Kind of like what you do whenever you see a Kartrashian post!

Pic: Wenn.com

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