Last week, a 29-year-old bikini model named Ashley Graham made Sports Illustrated history when she became the first plus-size (or “curvasexalicious“, as she calls it) bikini model to appear on the cover of the 2016 Swimsuit Issue. Well, there’s one person who is pissed about Ashley’s cover, and that person is three-time SI Swimsuit Issue cover girl Cheryl Tiegs.

Cheryl was stopped by E! News at the Global Green USA Pre-Oscar Party last night and asked what she thought about society embracing a fuller-figured bikini model. According to Cheryl, putting someone with a waist bigger than 35-inches on the cover is “glamorizing” an unhealthy lifestyle. And Cheryl knows that’s a true fact, because she heard it from the most trusted man in television medicine, Dr. Oz.

But Cheryl isn’t all hate. Cheryl did make sure to congratulate Ashley’s skinnier SI Swimsuit Issue cover co-star Hailey Clauson on having a “thin, ‪‎healthy‬, strong body.” Okay, but do you know she’s strong, Cheryl? Have you personally seen her carry an old Sony Trinitron up a flight of stairs?

I know Cheryl thinks she’s the Michael Moore of obesity truth, but damn if she doesn’t need to calm down. It’s just a non-skinny in a bikini on the cover of a magazine for dads to read while they’re taking a dump. Besides, Cheryl lost all credibility when the name “Dr. Oz” passed through her lips. Just because Dr. Oz says it, doesn’t mean it’s right. Case in point: Dr. Oz told me I should replace my pasta with carb-free shirataki noodles. There’s a reason why you can’t spell “shirataki” without the word “shit“; it was like trying to swallow a load from The Soggies. Anyone who encourages you to stay healthy by eating something that gross can’t be trusted, Cheryl.

“Okay, I’ll stop being a Twitter meanie to Halsey, but first you have to tell me what a Halsey is.” – pretty much everyone who reads this site, probably.

Halsey doesn’t only sound like a cutesy nickname for halitosis. Halsey is also the name of a 21-year-old electropop singer from New Jersey who might have (and might still be) bumping punanes with gayelle dreamboat Ruby Rose. Halsey is in England promoting her album Badlands, and she set the assholes of some of her 1.2 million Twitter followers on fire today. Halsey did an interview and performance at BBC Radio 1, and as she made her way into the building, some of her fans were outside asking for pictures and autographs. Halsey apparently ignored them and ran on in, which made them run their fingers all over their iPhone keyboards while bashing her ass on Twitter. They apparently labeled her an ungrateful diva bitch for not greeting her loyal subjects. I haven’t read what kind of hate they spilled about her on Twitter. But I’m guessing their tweets read something like this: “Halsey? More like, Halsey that bitch singing to empty clubs after she loses all her fans for being an asshole!” Yes, I may as well call it a day and log out for the week, because it doesn’t get any better than that.

The cuntiness on Twitter got so bad for Halsey that she had to press pause on her busy, busy day to come out and mouth burp out a plea for them to stop being so mean to her. It’s the kind of speech that a newbie substitute teacher (or “supply teacher” as you Brits and some Canadians call it) gives a classroom full of loud brats on her first day on the job. Get into Halsey’s “Don’t cry for me, fans outside of BBC Radio 1″ whine speech:

Halsey is new to the game, so somebody should tell her that the best way to deal with these crazy fans is to either ignore them, Bjork them or do my personal favorite: the Ian Somerhalder trick. Halsey should’ve told them that she’s not going to sign autographs or pose for selfies with them, because it’s HER day. Today, February 25th, is International Halsey Day and on this day, she takes a quick sabbatical from signing shit and posing for pictures. It’s Halsey Day, leave her alone!

Pics: Wenn.com

Usually seeing the word “reboot” would make my soul reach for a bottle of Baileys, crawl into a corner, and drink until it didn’t feel feelings anymore. It’s still doing that right now. But this time it’s getting wrecked in honor of such great news. Sarah Michelle Gellar announced on Instagram last night that she would be reprising her role as slutty coke-sniffing rich bitch Kathryn Merteuil in NBC’s pilot for the reboot of Cruel Intentions.

#throwbackthursday (a bit early in Los Angeles) this picture was taken on the eve of production on the original #cruelintentions. Its me #rogerkumble (director) and #nealmoritz (exec producer) and the other is a picture of us now on the eve of production on the new #cruelintentions. That's right "everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way" #kathrynmerteuil is back!!! I am happy to say that I will be joining them (and @nbctv ) on the new #Crueltv

A photo posted by Sarah Michelle (@sarahmgellar) on Feb 24, 2016 at 6:03pm PST

SMG didn’t go into detail about her character, besides saying that production starts today. But according to Entertainment Weekly, grown-up Kathryn is back to take control of Valmont International and deal with Ryan Phillippe’s character’s secret love child, Bash Casey (played Taylor John Smith from this season of American Crime). And yes, Bash’s mommy is Annette Hargrove.

Obviously if the creators of the Cruel Intentions reboot want it to be a success, they’d make Kathryn the star. I need to know everything that happened to Kathryn after the cops arrested her for storing coke in her cross back in 1999. Does she still wear those gorgeously trampy corset tops? Is she still fucking everything that moves? At least tell me if she tried to audition for the Real Housewives of New York (she totally did). I’m glad NBC had enough forethought to realize that it would be a huge mistake to make Cruel Intentions without Kathryn. I just really hope they don’t spend too much time on Bash’s backstory. I mean, everybody knows what happened to Annette Hargrove – she moved to Hollywood and changed her name to “Reese Witherspoon.”

Pic: Columbia Pictures

Don’t let that screen shot fool you. That’s not a still from Kylie Jenner’s performance art video about being trapped in Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic womb. It’s just Lorde performing in a sea of darkroom safe lights at the BRIT Awards last night. It also kind of looks like she’s a prisoner in a Pizza Hut red cup. But I digress…

After Lady CaCa splattered up her weird “Intel commercial on acid” meets “something you’d see at a Burning Man talent show” David Bowie tribute at the Grammys, his son, Duncan Jones, tweeted his review of her homage to herself. Duncan Jones tweeted the exact Google definition of “gaga.” Dude pretty much hated it:

"overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused." Damn it! What IS that word!?

— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 16, 2016

Surprisingly, Duncan Jones’ eyeballs didn’t melt into his sockets while reading the tweets from crazed Little Monsters who wished ass AIDS on his dog. Duncan Jones is still able to see, because he watched the BRIT Awards tribute to his father done by David Bowie’s former touring band and the Hot Topic chanteuse we call Lorde. At last night’s BRITs, Annie Lennox and Panty Creamer Gary Oldman told a funny story about David Bowie before introducing Bowie’s former touring band and the Tim Burton Kewpie doll who yodeled out “Life On Mars” while dressed like a theater usher.

Duncan Jones tweeted this after that performance:

Finally found the links to tonight's Brits. Just… beautiful. Thank you.

— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 25, 2016

I co-sign that, but with that being said, we’re going to forget about Gaga’s and Lorde’s tributes on Sunday night. At the Oscars, Tilda Swinton is going to sashay onto the stage and reveal herself as a David Bowie clone by ripping off her face mask. Then she’s going to beam herself up to their home planet of Mars to join her overlord, the Goblin King. That’s probably going to happen.

And here’s Lorde “canoodling” with Taylor Swift hater Diplo while going to Justin Bieber’s BRIT Awards after-party.

Pics: Wenn.com

The BRIT Awards were last night, and even an Ask Zandar game with two nearly-dead AA batteries in it could have predicted that Adele would walk away with the most awards. She took home trophies for British Female Solo Artist, Global Success Award, British Album of the Year, and British Single of the Year. They only give out 14 awards at the BRITs, which means Adele basically won almost 30% of them. Dear BRITs: Next time, save time and money by melting all the awards together into a giant ball and carve the word BEST into it.

Naturally I assumed that sort of math would cause We Hate Adele club president Noel Gallagher to spit out his cornflakes in disgust and release an angry statement about it all. But I guess he was busy, because we got an angry statement from his brother Liam Gallagher instead. Shortly after the BRIT Awards aired, Liam jumped onto Twitter and took a dump on the winners.

Where do I fucking start LG x

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016

Music in the UK has been abducted by massive cunts THE END LG x

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016

Thank fuck I got out when I got out out LG x

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016

“You hear that everyone? He called me massive! Looks like I AM a big boy now!” said 2016 BRIT Award International Male Solo Artist winner Justin Bieber.

I don’t remember reading anything in the news about an alien race of “massive cunts” descending upon the UK and abducting the music industry (which I’m totally picturing as looking like the aliens from Spice World). So I don’t know how accurate that statement is. But Liam is right about one thing: the quality of music in the UK isn’t nearly as good as it used to be. Example: S Club 7 – unquestionably the greatest artists to ever come out of the UK – haven’t released an album in over 14 years. That’s tragic! Hang your head in shame, music industry.

Pic: Splash

This Used To Be My Playground. – Madonna – OurMissC

Upvote winner:

Naked and hanging on to a big black log for their life – must be a Kardashian. – emeriesan

Pic: Tosh.0