Note to black actors: If you want to be invited to the Oscars stage, spew out some truly WTF foolery on Fox News and you’ll be asked to do a truly awkward bit so everyone can laugh at your ass!

At the Oscars tonight, Chris Rock introduced Stacey Dash as the new director of their minority outreach program. As most of us here know, Dionne from Clueless has said before that Black History Month and the BET Awards shouldn’t exist. Stacey came out and wished everyone a happy Black History Month. We were supposed to barf out a river of HAHAHAHAs over Stacey Dash making fun of herself, but I think most of us were too busy wondering what the fuck was going on and why?????

This moment may have outdone Rob Lowe and Snow White’s Oscar opener as the most “Huh?!” moment of any Oscars.

And the winner for least funny #Oscars bit goes to @FoxNews' @REALStaceyDash: https://t.co/p0FsTAtxPe pic.twitter.com/Qao1iRSKsv

— Matt Wilstein (@TheMattWilstein) February 29, 2016

As to how they got Stacey to do it… Well, they just said, “Stacey, cameras will be involved-“ And she said, “Stop, that’s all I need to know. Where do I sign my name in blood?”

I have questions:

1. Does Heidi Klum’s publicist have blackmail material on nearly every awards show producer, because trick is at all of them. Heidi Klum is at the Oscars tonight for reasons unknown to everyone including Heidi Klum. She does have a look on her face that says, “How the fuck did I get invited to this?!” Did Phoebe Price have a much more interesting and exciting event to go to (like the opening of a Jack In The Box in Reseda, CA) and so Heidi Klum is taking her place as head seat filler?

2. Why isn’t she in jail instead of at the Oscars? Heidi obviously broke into some grandma’s gift wrapping drawer and stole all of the tissue paper ole’ girl saves up to use in Easter baskets.

My guess is that the new season of Project Runway is shooting right now and as part of a recent challenge, the designers were asked to design an 80s prom dress for their biggest enemy using only nursery curtains from a baby store. Heidi agreed to wear the “winning” look to the Oscars tonight.

I don’t know why but Heidi’s whole look reminds me of Shelby’s wedding in Steel Magnolias:

I should be slapped with an armadillo cake for comparing Heidi Klum’s ugly as hell dress with the delicate Southern belle look that Ann Wedgeworth flawlessly worked in Steel Magnolias.

Pics: Getty

Hey, since the Oscars Open Post goes up before anybody shows up, my choice for OP host was either: Giuliana Rancic or the Botoxed wax toad figurine that is Ryan Seacrest. I have to take what I can get. Although, I will slow clap for Ryan, because his rouge game is next level.

My living room is filled with an IV drip full of vodka, a freshly-cleaned vaporizer, a baggie of the good shit and half of the Smart + Final’s frozen snacks section, and that could mean only one thing: It’s Sunday night and that’s how I usually spend every Sunday night. But this Sunday night is the White Hollywood Appreciation Ceremony (aka the Oscars), so yeah, I probably should’ve prepared a second IV drip full of vodka, because this night is going to be longer than the line of naked skinny blonde models that the Pussy Posse™ will give to Leonardo “Susan Lucci” DiCaprio as a gift for finally winning.

You know, nominations-wise, this may be one of the most boring and predictable Oscars ever. DiCatchAHo’s obviously going to win. Brie Cheese Larson is going to win. Alicia Vikander is probably going to win unless the voters really want to see Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet reunited by OSCUH! And Sylvester Stallone is most likely going to get an Oscar too, which I don’t mind, really, because I hope he says in his acceptance speech that his stunningly exquisite mother Jackie Stallone predicted it years ago when she read his nalgas. But while the winners may be boring, I hope that Chris Rock sets fire to our souls by roasting the shit out of #OscarsSoWhite.

I also predict that there will be approximately 450 standing ovations since those bitches stand for anything. I also predict that our generation’s Lucille Ball, Jennifer Lawrence, will “trip” on a rope causing an anvil to fall from the rafters and land on her head (because she’s so zany and klutzy!). And lastly, I predict that I will dick punch the screen and scream my tonsils off after those incompetent Oscar skanks fail to properly pay homage to Vanity, the star of The Last Dragon and Action Jackson, by not doing a 45-minute tribute featuring Prince, Taimak and Sharon Stone.

I will drunkenly throw up some Oscar foolery tonight. But tomorrow, Allison, Martin and I will cover most of it. That’s if we make it out alive!

Pics: Getty

Kylie Minogue, the best thing to happen ever, has said “get outta my way” to living FemSkin Kylie Jenner for trying to trademark the name ‘Kylie‘. The youngest Jenner put in the application for trademark in August of last year and Kylie’s business reps, KDB, filed to oppose and stop this heinous act of treachery on February 22nd, reports World Intellectual Property Review.

KDB is saying that if Kylie Jenner’s application is approved, it would cause confusion and mess with the original Kylie’s brand. While that’s true from a technical standpoint, you’d have to be pretty dumb to confuse a white diamond and a joke shop turd. On top of that, they’re citing the fact that Minogue already owns trademarks for the term ‘Kylie‘ not only in entertainment and music, but also for her perfume ‘Kylie Minogue Darling.” I’m also going to plug her home line, Kylie Minogue At Home, because I’m a rabid, frothing at the mouth fan and the line is classy and elegant.

KDB has also called Kylie Jenner a “secondary reality television personality” as well as pointing out that she’s been criticized by “disability rights groups” and “African-American communities.”

Good on them for calling a spade a spade, or rather a budget bucket of silicone a budget bucket of silicone. I’m glad Minogue’s people have finally done something because when I heard way back when that Jenner was trying to pull this shit I nearly Erin Brockovich-ed and started a class action suit. There’s only one Kylie and that is Kylie Minogue! Others need not apply!

Pics: Wenn

As reported yesterday by hard hitting journalist me and every other major news outlet, Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini and Liam Payne have been bumping uglies since the end of last year. But, it’s now been confirmed by the King of Kings, Instagram. Liam changed his profile picture (see: above) to one of him and Cheryl after all the beans were spilled on their modern winter summer romance.

A source, via UsWeekly, says that it’s “not serious … but they’re enjoying things,” and that 32-year-old Cheryl and 22-year-old Liam “hates that it’s out there,” but are “kind of relieved at the same time because now they don’t have to be paranoid about getting caught.” I know it must be a nightmare to be hounded day and night by the paps you called, but I say just do what you want. You gotta live.

If Renee Zellweger can take the London tube and not get noticed, why can’t these two pop out for a date night? Here’s a tip, don’t wear giant sunglasses and a big hat, trying to “not get noticed”, and there’s a good chance you won’t get noticed. Anyways, good luck to these two. Mazel Tov. Many joys and blah blah blah. To be totally honest this whole thing smells of STUNT QUEEN to me. Cheryl needs some good PR because of the divorce and she hasn’t been doing all that much lately and Liam is one of the One Directioners that falls into the “other guys” category. Good luck!

Pic: Instagram

Saturday was not just the night of the best and most glamorous awards, the Razzies, it was also the Independent Spirit Awards. The Independent Spirit Awards, unlike the Oscars, were ALL about diversity. Hosts Kate McKinnon and Kumail Nanjiani joked in their opening:

“Tonight we’re going to do everything we can’t do at the Oscars, baby. We’re going to cuss, we’re going to flash some nip. We’re gonna nominate some people who aren’t white! Tonight’s nominees are more diverse than the cover of a brochure for a liberal arts college. While the Oscar nominees are as diverse as the actual student body of a liberal arts college.”

Here’s their opening, but be warned, it’s a long one!

The best part of that clip are the shots from the audience like Sean Penn looking like a dried mud creature while trying not to be amused at the jokes (at the 1:49 mark). And the camera person and Kate McKinnon both messed up by mistaking Tom Cruise for one of the stars of Anamolisa. That’s Little Tommy standing on the table at the 4:17 mark, right?

The main awards went to Abraham Attah (Best Male Lead) and Idris Elba (Best Supporting Male) for Beasts of No Nation, Mya Taylor (Best Supporting Female) for Tangerine, becaming the first transgender actress to win a major award, and Brie Larson (Best Female Lead) for Room. But Spotlight, the journalism thriller I thought working at DListed would be like, was the big winner. It picked up awards for Best Feature, Best Director for Tom McCarthy, Best Screenplay, Best Editing, and the Robert Altman Award for Best Ensemble.

And the list of the winners is after the cut (in bold, duh):

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