One Of The Real Stars Of The Oscars, Kate Capshaw’s Bangs!

/ February 29, 2016

There weren’t too many surprises at last night’s Oscars, even Leonardo DiCaprio winning. They basically had to give it to him at this point. I haven’t seen The Revenant because I don’t need that drama in my life, but that shit is literally Leo screaming “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?! GET MAULED AND CRAWL THROUGH SHIT?! I WILL!” so, yeah, he did and they were like “That’ll do pig. That’ll do.” But there was one major snub – the real winner of the night, Kate Capshaw and her magnificent bangs!

There’s so much “yes” happening in what she gave us last night that it’s hard to pick a place to start. The Victor/Victoria look she pulled was all kinds of Hollywood rich white lady telling her stylist “I want to be different! Something that’s really a take on old Hollywood glamour but done with a wink and a twist… Maybe… Yes! A tuxedo! Imagine! A woman in a tuxedo! That’ll give the press something to talk about!” She shimmied and shammied her way down the red carpet and stole mostly everyone’s thunder.

But the hair. That masterpiece. That crowning glory of achievement in hairstyling! I don’t know how Margot Robbie and Jared Leto, who presented the award for Best Hair and Makeup, didn’t drop down to their knees, praise the kindness of the powers that be and announce Kate’s hair as the only hair worthy of an Oscar. The cut is giving me shades of Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct 2 (which was robbed and did not receive any Oscar nominations when it came out in 2006) so of course I love it because nothing is better than Sharon Stone with a mean little mop. And that expensive salon stripper highlight is pure magic. Nothing adds kick to an already edgy, layered hairstyle like extreme lowlights and highlights. They say a hairstyle can change a person’s look but this magical creature is apparently capable of a head transplant. To top it all off, we now know who to thank for the genius that is Catherine O’Hara’s look and inspiration for her character on Schitt’s Creek, Moira Rose.

catherine-ohara

I’d like to thank the Academy for having the Oscars and thereby giving us all the beautiful gift that is Kate Capshaw and her inspirational and aspirational bangs. I’m off to get a clip in, but you guys enjoy this gallery of Kate, her hair and her husband, Steven Spielberg:

Pics: Wenn, ITV Studios Global

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ February 29, 2016

Jenny Beavan, the hands-down best-dressed at the Oscars last night!

Every best dressed Oscars list that doesn’t have Jenny Beavan at the top of it is a lie and should be deleted from the Internet forever. While many people’s internal organs were probably in their throat from being suffocated in a corset and a Spanx cocoon, Jenny had the right idea when she showed up wearing the look-for-less version of one of the costumes she designed for Mad Max: Fury Road. Jenny won the Best Costume Design Oscar for the work she did in Mad Max and also won my heart when she went on the stage looking like the matriarch of a biker family. Jenny dresses like Johnny Depp better than Johnny Depp dresses like Johnny Depp.

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Birthday Sluts

/ February 29, 2016

Tempest Storm (88)
Mark Foster (32)
Ja Rule (40)
Joey Greco (44)
Antonio Sabato Jr. (44)
Tony Robbins (56)
Jono Coleman (60)
Ken Foree (68)
Gretchen Christopher (76)
Jack Lousma (80)
Joss Ackland (88)
Michele Morgan (96)

Pic: Thirdman Records

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But What About The Bear?!!!!

/ February 28, 2016

Every blonde skinny lingerie/swimsuit model from here to the Czech Republic is cheering out of their panties, because their ex-piece or future ex-piece Leonardo DiCatchAHo finally won an Oscar. Leonardo is truly the talent of our time, because he was able to walk to the Oscars stage while blowing out a river of jizz through his asshole over finally winning the award he would’ve sold all of his internal organs for.

Leonardo won Best Actor for The Relevant, I mean The Revenant, and he used his time on the stage to talk about the environment. Sure, he’s probably going to celebrate his Oscar win by taking a gas-guzzling private jet ride to France where he’ll get on a yacht. But who cares. Leo cares about the environment! Get into Leo’s “just had my wisdom tooth pulled out and I’m on coke” mouth action:

But you know who he doesn’t care about? The bear from The Revenant. He didn’t thank that bitch at all. If it wasn’t for that bear, Leo wouldn’t even be on that stage, but yet he couldn’t have taken 3 seconds out of his speech to thank the ho who made it all possible? How dreadful. Leo should lose his award over that honestly. And you know who else is crying in a fetal position on a bathroom floor somewhere? Lukas Haas. Leo didn’t even throw a half-assed “thank you” at his fellow Pussy Posse member and bro-in-waiting. Cold, Leo, cold!

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

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I Really Didn’t Know That Hostess Made Shoes Now

/ February 28, 2016

So many crazy  types probably went on a Goopy-approved kumquat seed and rhino saliva cleanse and haven’t eaten since Friday to be bloat-free in their outfits. So I’m guessing that as soon as they saw the Hostess Cupcakes shoes that Jared Leto wore to the Oscars tonight, they unlocked their jaws and chopped on both of his feet. Jared has no feet now!

No, I am not for Jared dressing like the member of a mariachi-themed singing quartet. But I am for those delicious-looking Hostess Cupcake shoes.

I would definitely hit it. And, of course, I’m talking about those shoes.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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