Where Oh Where Was Jennifer Lawrence Last Night?

/ February 29, 2016

A strange thing happened at the Academy Awards last night (yes, stranger than Dionne from Clueless appearing on stage on purpose). If you watched any of the red carpet coverage before she show, you probably kept waiting for Jennifer Lawrence to roll up and work her goofy So Real stumble game for the cameras. Except that never happened and Twitter noticed.

According to UsWeekly, the reason JLaw didn’t turn out the red carpet like Benny Hill was because she barely even walked it. Apparently everyone had already been inside the Dolby Theatre for a good 10 minutes before JLaw showed up with her date, David O. Russell. So she ditched the traditional Jennifer Lawrence experience and hauled ass through the step and repeat instead. And once inside, we didn’t really get that much more of her. Normally JLaw gets the best seat in the house (the one right in front of the most flattering camera), but this year that went to this year’s Oscar Princess, Leonardo DiCaprio.

The only time I really got to see JLaw was after Lady Gaga’s performance. If you pay close attention during that video of Brie Larson hugging all the abuse survivors, you can totally see her fellow Best Actress nominee Jennifer Lawrence hugging human mop Jenny Beavan and thanking her for being such an inspiration to her character. No, that didn’t happen; a 10 like Jenny would never associate with a 5 like JLaw.

Here’s more of JLaw wearing the Milanoo version of one of Goopy Paltrow’s old dresses, as well as JLaw in some “slutty power lesbian” cruise wear at the Vanity Fair party.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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We Interrupt Your Scheduled Oscar Coverage To Bring You A Peen Slip

/ February 29, 2016

I’m pressing pause on all the dicks and nutsacks who were at the Oscars last night to quickly cover actual dick and nuts.

Something called the 2016 NFL Scouting Combine happened at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana yesterday. I didn’t know what the NFL Scouting Combine was until a big ole’ flopping dick made me Google to find the answer. If you didn’t know, the NFL Scouting Combine is where college football players try to get recruited into a pro team by showing off their skills in a week-long showcase. Players try to stand out and well, nobody really stood out like Mississippi State defensive lineman Chris Jones when he accidentally celebrated Eggplant Friday on a Sunday.

Chris Jones was trying to beat his 5-second record in the 40-yard dash when his peen and crotch huevos flew out of his Spandex shorts. I don’t know if Chris Jones was wearing a jock strap or a cup or anything, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. Because that mighty dick looks like it’s strong enough to break through that shit so it can breathe oxygen. Chris Jones seemed to laugh it off right before one of the announcers said that when these guys fall, they fall down hard and long. I bet that announcer was winking when he said that. Deadspin has a clearer video for you peen-loving sucio tricks, but here’s a blurry one.

And I hope that whoever clocked in his time, clocked it in when his dick tip passed the finish line. Because his dick definitely crossed the line before he did.

(Thank you to all of you who know me so well and sent this in.)

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Every One Of The Abuse Survivors From Lady Gaga’s Performance Got A Hug From Brie Larson

/ February 29, 2016

During Lady Gaga’s GIMME THAT OSCAR!! performance of “Til It Happens To You“, a song about college campus abuse that she may or may not have written with Diane Warren, a large group of sexual assault survivors joined her on stage. It was a pretty powerful moment. Even those annoying-ass minions were like “This moment is making me feel things.

One person who was definitely feeling it was Best Actress winner Brie Larson, who felt it so hard she gave them all hugs as they exited the stage.

It sort of made sense that she would be the one to start a receiving line of hugs; Brie was nominated for portraying a sexual abuse survivor in Room. Or maybe Brie is just that kind of nice? It wouldn’t surprise me; anyone named after such a delicious cheese can’t be that bad.

Here’s more of Brie and Gaga from last night. Gaga, you tried it, but nobody does formal peek-a-boo pants better than Demi Moore.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Dustin Lance Black Brought The Beautiful Gay Drama On Oscar Night

/ February 29, 2016

Who needs Gatorade or menudo or IV drip therapy when you’ve got a bitchy verbal slap from Dustin Lance Black to temporarily cure your hangover. When I pulled my post-Oscar hungover carcass out of bed this morning, I was fully ready to get my mashed-up brains sort of working again by freebasing, butt chugging and guzzling coffee at the same time. But I didn’t need to do that, because Dustin Lance Black telling Sam Smith to step off his man on Twitter, pulled me out of my hangover haze for a minute.

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Abe Vigoda Was Left Out Of Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment

/ February 29, 2016

The fickle and forgetful queens that run the ‘In Memoriam’ section of the Oscars have shot their side eyes and flicked their acting scarves over their shoulders once again. Every year there are glaring omissions on the list of those that have moved on to the great green room in the sky and this year, as many of you, including my brother (Hi, Dan.), and The New York Post noticed, the biggest snub was Abe Vigoda.

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As Expected, Chris Rock Had A Lot To Say About The #OscarsSoWhite Situation Last Night

/ February 29, 2016

Unless your only exposure to Chris Rock is the Madagascar movies or a television from the 90s that plays nothing but those Lil Penny commercials, then you pretty much expected Chris Rock to drag the Oscars for their lack of diversity this year. And he did! For all 10:28 minutes of his monologue, Chris Rock was like a one-man #OscarsSoWhite Twitter thread.

Chris yanked at the weaves of the Academy by making a joke about there being “at least 15 black people” in the opening montage, referring to the Oscars as the “White People’s Choice Awards“, and slapping at Hollywood for being “sorority racist.” Yes, Chris went there. And then once he got there, he took a cab from there and went even further by joking that the In Memoriam segment was going to be just black people who were shot by the cops on their way to the movies.

But because Chris is an equal-opportunity hater, he took a few swipes at the famous types who told him he should cancel his tuxedo rental and boycott the ceremony. Chris also shot up to the top of Scientology’s Shit List by reading Oscar boycotter Jada Pinkett Smith to filth. Marty’s clap back at Gloria happens at the 2:48 mark.

In the event that gets yanked from YouTube, you can watch the whole thing here.

According to Chris, “Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited!” Somewhere in an ear-nose-and-throat clinic, the Original Aunt Viv is being treated for extensive damage done to her vocal cords from screaming “YAAASSSSS!” at the top of her lungs.

Chris kept it real, and I’m sure there were some people who weren’t having it. But it never really went into uncomfortable-for-everyone territory. Then again, you’ve got to work pretty hard to beat John Travolta creeping on everyone during last year’s ceremony.

Here’s Chris and his mom and his new girlfriend at the Vanity Fair party last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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