When Adam Levine, the biggest slut named Adam (which is saying a lot since we all know the original Adam fucked everything in that garden), got married to panties model Behati Prinsloo, I figured that his fickle dick would find itself swan diving into a new piece before his first wedding anniversary. But tip me over and pour me out, because Adam and Behati have been married for almost two years and they made it without Star Magazine reporting that his peen got caught in a side trick’s coochie jar. And now they’re going to be parents! The Four Horsemen would make an appearance, but they’re saving their energy for when Leonardo DiCatchAho’s frequent flier dick retires from the game and makes a baby.

E! News and People both say that the Victoria’s Secret Angel and the Coldplay lead singer will be a mom and a dad sometime this fall. The thrilling details via E!

The Victoria’s Secret model is pregnant, E! News has learned. This will be the first child for Levine and Behati, who is 3-4 months along in her pregnancy.

“She knows what she’s having and she’s very excited,” a source tells E! News.

Whatever they have, I hope that Behati does what’s right as the protector of a delicate child by telling her baby that no matter what, they should never ever look at daddy’s bare back. When they go to the beach, baby needs to keep their eyes closed at all times. When baby barfs up on daddy’s shirt and he needs to change it, they should immediately shut their eyelids. Because a young child isn’t strong enough to deal with the derpy mermaid bird of death on Adam Levine’s back. No child should be exposed to that amount of fuckery.

Here’s Behati getting motorboated by a big, pink swan at the launch of Victoria’s Secret new swim collection in L.A. two days ago.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

50 Cent was in bankruptcy court yesterday to talk about the tumbleweeds blowing around in his bank account and to answer some questions about all that money he keeps taking Instagram pictures with. 50 claimed in court documents that the money in his Instagram shots is fake cash from music videos etc… 50 explained that looking rich is part of “his brand” and that’s why he keeps posing with fake money. But CBS News says there was one bankruptcy court official who wasn’t buying it yesterday and they’ve urged a judge to take a close look at 50’s finances.

Holley Claiborn, an attorney for the U.S. Trustee’s Office and a woman whose name sounds like Liz Claiborne’s lesser-known clothing line for preteen overachievers, asked 50 Cent’s bankruptcy judge to hire an examiner to find out if he’s really broke or not. Holley thinks 50, who reportedly owes his creditors almost $28.5 million, isn’t being completely honest about how much money he has and she wants him to be held fully accountable.

If 50 Cent really is broke and those $100 bills spelling it out really are just pretend, then you’d think he wouldn’t have a problem with an examiner getting to the bottom of his money situation. Wrong. Yesterday, both 50 Cent’s lawyers and his creditors’ attorneys said no to Holley’s request. Judge Ann Nevins didn’t rule either way, but CBS News says she could make a decision before their next hearing on April 6th.

That doesn’t mean Judge Ann doesn’t have her suspicions about 50’s bank account. She said she’s “concerned” that something in the coin roll ain’t clean after she compared his initial financial statement with a financial statement that was filed last month.

Regardless, 50 Cent considered yesterday’s trip to court a good one, and he celebrated by stuffing several thousand dollars into his pants for another one of his Instagram portraits. I know I didn’t before, but now I really want to believe that money isn’t real. The next time I hold a $100 bill, the last thing I want to be wondering is if it’s been rubbing against 50 Cent’s junk. “Listen to you, acting like you have $100 to withdraw” laughed my bank account.

Pic: 50 Cent

Usually Spirit Airlines is the one (figuratively) punching passengers in the face by charging us for every damn little thing from choosing a seat that doesn’t make us feel like a sardine to printing out our boarding pass at home. (Soon they’ll be charging us $10 to piss and $30 to lay down a shit.) But on a flight from Baltimore to Los Angeles yesterday morning, a few passengers were the ones doing the punching.

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That’s not a picture of the friends Justin Bieber pulled a drink-and-dash with. At least I don’t think it is. I mean, forget about engaging in some bad kid brat shit with him – most of them look like they don’t even really want to be seen on stage with him.

Regardless of who helped him, TMZ says the ringleader was Justin Bieber and that he can now add Bar Tab Bailing to his bad boy resume. The soggy Coffee Time cruller was in Seattle, WA preparing for the opening night of his Purpose tour. A source tells TMZ that on Sunday night, Justin and seven of his friends went to a bar called The Whisky Bar. Justin and his friends ordered a round of $15 whiskey shots. Just think of the muscles that were pulled halfway to death while Justin tried desperately not to make an “Ew, yucky” face after tasting whiskey for the first time.

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Whoever said journalism has long been dead, buried and is worm shit now obviously doesn’t know that Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at The Sun. Journalism has risen from the dead!

LiLo took a little time out from traveling the world with her Russian sugary sonny, to butt belch out her first column for The Sun. For her first piece, serious journalist LiLo wrote about how she could’ve smeared some of Harry Styles’ grainy dick cheese all over her freckled crotch crumpet. Remember when the Summer’s Eve Truman Capote named James Franco wrote a short story about the time Lindsay Lohan allegedly broke into his room at the Chateau Marmont and tried to get with him? Well, LiLo apparently sort of got a taste of her own medicine and she says Slutty Styles (copyright: Tumblr) was holding the spoon. LiLo says that early one morning in 2012, she got a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it up, Harry Styles was on the other side and he wanted to fuck his way to a place on her hump list. Here’s some (maybe) fanfic courtesy of LiLo:

“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look.

It didn’t click who he was at the time. I told my sister the next day and she was like, ‘Wait, are you kidding me? Do you understand? Do you have his number? Can I have it?'”

LiLo went on to say that she recently ran into Harry at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at 2am because some friends dared him to.

Lindsay was bumping lubed-up parts with a member of The Wanted (aka the O-Town to One Direction’s Backstreet Boys) in 2012, so I love the thought of her turning down Harry Styles. But maybe this was all just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe the mess who knocked at her door at 2am was really a greasy homeless drug dealer who sold her a baggie of the bad shit once and wanted to make another sale. Confusing a greasy homeless drug dealer with Harry Styles is an honest mistake!

Pics: Wenn.com

And now you’re probably out of a monitor, because you broke yours after punching that picture of Josh Duggar’s “th-th-th-that’s all folks” face. It’s natural. We were all born with that instinct.

Around six months ago, the punchable potato Josh Duggar was sent to a Christian labor camp masquerading as a “treatment center” after he was caught trolling for side poon on Ashley Madison. Josh went there to cure himself of his sinful sinful addiction to loving porn and fucking. That was all just Duggar code for, “We need Joshie to go away for a while until everyone forgets that silly child touching and cheating stuff, so that TLC will give us our show back.” TLC pretty much gave them their show back, so now the factory-defected Mr. Potato Head doll can come out and pretend like his peen is cured from wanting to dive into cooch that isn’t attached to his wife.

Both Entertainment Tonight and People say that Josh Duggar has checked out of the bible-based rehab facility he was in for months. ET says that he left a few days ago and his “whereabouts are unknown.” Well, he’s either showing that praying away his desire to have sex for other than baby-making reasons worked and he’s screwing a pile of hookers in the room of a Comfort Inn somewhere, or he’s rehearsing the post-rehab interview he’s going to do with Megyn Kelly for Fox News. I’m going with the latter.

Of course, Josh’s wife Anna Duggar, who may be knocked up with their 5th child, has forgiven him and will take him back, because she’s been brainwashed into being Michelle Duggar 2.0. Which is why it’s going to be hard watching that inevitable Fox News interview. Anna is most likely going to silently sit there, blinking at Josh like a Furby on caffeine pills as he says that the power of God cured him of his dick’s need to wander….while he punches at his crotch because his dick keeps wanting to wander over to Megyn Kelly.

Pic: Instagram