Many millionaire actors have pulled our dicks by saying that they don’t make pieces of shit Hollywood movies because of the money, they do it for their art. They don’t make big-budget Hollywood action movies because of the eight figure checks they bring. They do it because it brings them major amounts of artistic fulfillment. But hot and furry Easter Island statue Henry Cavill isn’t going to tell us bullshit lies. Henry admits that he’s not only making movies because “acting” is his life and he’ll die without it. Henry loves the millions of dollars he makes from being a movie star. At least SOMEONE is being honest, but seriously, here I was thinking that Henry was only playing the multi-layered character of Superman over and over again because it truly stroked his thespian bone good. I was wrong.

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Well this is turning out to be a real backwards week for reality TV stars. First greasy gob Josh Duggar has been released back into the world. Now NBC4 Los Angeles (via People) is saying that passionate pooch helper Cesar Millan, of Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan and Cesar 911, is being investigated for animal cruelty. This is some Black Mirror shit.

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The messy novella-like drama starring Morena Baccarin (aka the chick from “V” to me and “boring lady” to those of you who watch “Gotham“) and Benjamin McKenzie (aka Chino dude from “The O.C.” to me and “boring dude” to those of you watch “Gotham“) feels like it’s been set at warp speed.

Last September we found out that Morena and Ben are engaged and she filed for divorce from her husband of three and a half years Austin Chick. A quick second later, we found out that Morena was knocked up with Ben’s baby. Austin Chick planned to move to NYC from L.A. so that he and Morena could co-parent their 2-year-old son Julius, but he changed his mind real quick and moved back to California after finding out that she was full-time fucking Benjamin McKenzie. A judge later declared that Julius will mostly live in NYC with Morena and she must pay Austin $23,000 a month in child and spousal support. Morena and Austin are still technically married. And now the baby that Benjamin humped into her is here. Since these two are moving at soap opera speed, I’m sure that their baby will suddenly be 4 years old next week and Morena and Benjamin will be getting into messy fights outside of her pre-school.

Anyway, Morena birthed out a baby daughter on March 2nd. Morena and Ben’s reps gave this statement to USA Today:

“Morena and Ben are so happy to welcome baby girl Frances Laiz Setta Schenkkan on March 2. All are happy and healthy and appreciate the well-wishes.”

It’s going to be really awkward when Frances grows up, (DEADPOOL SPOILER ALERT) changes her name to Ajax and kidnaps her own mommy.

Frances Laiz Setta Schenkkan sounds like the name of an old widow Dutch socialite who is known as the biggest gossip. Think “Downton Abbey” in the Netherlands. “Schenkkan” is Benjamin’s real last name and “Setta” is Morena’s mother’s last name. I’m into the name, but I do wish that Morena and Benjamin would’ve paid tribute to their messy relationship and her Brazilian heritage by naming their daughter Escândalina Setta Schenkkan.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The White House threw a special fancy dinner party for Canada’s Next Top Model Prime Minister Justin Trudeau last night. Because JT is the Prime Minister of Canada, they also invited a whole bunch of famous and semi-famous Canadians to join them. I say “semi-famous“, because I scanned the guest list and no where did I see the names Bert Raccoon or Friend Record, aka Canada’s most important A-list celebrities.

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(Read as Sir David Attenborough) The Hammerhead shark’s lesser known cousin the Dickhead shark is characterized by its ability to be obnoxious and annoying. While not dangerous, it stays hidden and stealthily approaches you from behind and pokes you in the back. – Black Hole Sun

Upvote winner:

We’re gonna need a bigger throat. – Sheena

Pic: Reddit

The poor dog who was forced to pledge his allegiance to Jabba the Trump.  

This is more of a sympathy HSOTD, because there’s a thousand reasons for why I feel for that pooch, but the two biggest ones are: 1. That dog has to watch as a giant, barbecued pig ear talks and he can’t nibble on that trick. 2. That dog would probably only pledge allegiance on its own to a presidential candidate if the presidential candidate was a humongous hump toy that spit out an endless supply of bacon. Where was animal control when a dog friend in need really needed those hos?

Like he’s done at other rallies, Donald Trump told his followers at a rally in Orlando, FL on Monday to raise their hands into the air and pledge their devotion to their popped hemorrhoid leader. Telling his followers to raise their arms into the air and vow to vote for him is a really good way to distance himself from all those Hitler comparisons. A dog in the front row, who was dragged to that mess by his human, probably shared his thoughts about that pledge by squeezing out a fart. But that dog’s human wasn’t going to let him get away with not raising a paw for Trump. Doggie’s human raised his paw for him as he threw a level 10, “Heeeeeeeelp me,” look.

CNN (via NYDN), being the serious news organization that it is, devoted an entire segment to this when they really should’ve been contacting the ASPCA over this abuse instead.

But the thing is, the joke is on Trump and that human, because I don’t know if they knew this or not, but dogs can’t vote.