Night Crumbs
Jessica Alba’s The Honest Company has once again been accused of being the opposite of honest. A chemical her company claimed wasn’t in any of their laundry detergents was found in their laundry detergents. Let’s hope that this all blows over and nothing becomes of it. Because if she’s sued and loses everything, she may have to go back to “acting” and we don’t deserve that – Lainey Gossip
Ellie Goulding may quit music next year. No word on when she’ll quit injecting insulin foam into her lips – Celebitchy
“You need to shut your mouth, Porsha. If there’s not a dick in it you don’t know what you’re saying” and other nonsensical jewels from the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion trailer – Reality Tea
Michael Lohan is only saying good things about Lindsay Lohan’s new Russian sugar sonny, which means that Russian sugar sonny probably stuffed a wad of cash between his man tits – The Superficial
Dangerous toddler (see: her assault on donuts) released a song called “Dangerous Woman” – Towleroad
What in Rhoda at a clown party HELL is Selena Gomez wearing? – Popoholic
Bella Thorne giving you call girl ad glamour in something called VVV Magazine – Hollywood Tuna
The pride of West Covina, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, got renewed! – Popsugar
When is Shirtless Friday going to be ShirtAndChoniesLess Friday? – The Berry
If only the Pulitzer Prize wasn’t only for American publications, because The Sun deserves one for that Madonna headline alone – Boy Culture
And now I suddenly want to see a Sally Field and Stephen Colbert porn – SOW
Bristol Palin and her second baby father got joint custody of their baby – Starcasm
My own chihuahua has put on his mourning veil, because one of his own, Bruiser Woods from the Legally Blonde movies has died at the age of 18. Goodnight, sweet prince. – Just Jared
Open Post: Hosted By A Foxy Thief
Usually when you hear about a shifty ginger snatching wallets from grown men, you think to yourself that Lindsay Lohan is at it again. But since LiLo is a kept bitch now and is temporarily out of the pick pocket game, this story is about a different thieving ginger.
A group of dudes were playing golf at the County Louth Golf Club in Baltray, Ireland when their game was interrupted by a sneaky, bold fox who strutted up to one of their bags, pulled out a wallet and skedaddled away. The Fantastic Mr. Fox is real and is living in Ireland.
4 lads from Leeds, what an amazing experience at Baltray. So friendly and championship links. @CountyLouthGC pic.twitter.com/Jqr3bdDczG
— Chris Hargreaves (@Hag0605) March 7, 2016
I was rooting for that fox and the sads hit me when I saw the look of failure in his eyes. That fox probably had to go back to his fox friends with his head held down and let them know that he didn’t get the money, so they can’t go to The Fox Hole (it’s a strip club) and make it rain on lady foxes while getting drunk. Poor fox.
via Mashable
Russell Wilson Will Finally Be Able To Take Ciara’s Goodies Out Of The Jar
Page Six says that after dating (but not fucking) for almost a year, Ciara and her football player boyfriend Russell Wilson are getting married. That frantic winding sound you just heard was Russell Wilson’s desperate dick setting his True Love Waits countdown clock to their wedding night. Ciara and Russell announced they were making it legal this afternoon on Instagram.
You know you got a big-ass engagement ring when that shit sparkles in the dark. I don’t even have flashlights that provide as much illumination. Ciara later confirmed it by posting the picture above of Russell getting down on one knee. Again, you know you’re dealing with a monster of a rock if the setting sun is creeping up on your hand, like “Damn, lemme get a peek at that.”
This will be Russell’s second marriage and Ciara’s first. She was previously with Future, who she has a 1-year-old son named Future Zahir with. Ciara is also currently suing Future for $15 million for saying she’s a bad mother. In case you forgot, the reason Future called her a bad mother was because he saw pictures of Russell pushing Future Zahir around in a stroller. So, there’s at least one person who probably won’t be sending them a congratulations basket from Edible Arrangements today.
So Ciara’s pussy is finally going to get to do the 1,2 Step on Russell’s dick. But what’s really getting me excited about Ciara’s wedding is wondering if she’ll twerk down the aisle on the hood of a car like in the video for “Oh.” I know that won’t happen, but a trashy girl can dream. Here’s Russell and Ciara last weekend at the Givency show in Paris.
Caitlyn Jenner Jacked Off Donald Trump
In the bubble of delusion that Caitlyn Jenner permanently lives in, she thinks that if Ted Cruz became President Ted Cruz, he’d start a trans issues board and put her in it. Caitlyn must use the same brand of face paint all of the Kartrashians use, because she’s obviously inhaling some seriously toxic stuff that fills her head with extra thick clouds of delusion. Which leads me to…
On an episode of I Am Cait (via UsWeekly), Caitlyn is on a bus with the trans women who play her friends and one of them, Chandi Moore, asks her what she thinks of Donald Trump. Caitlyn’s heart is wrapped around Ted Cruz and she’s probably going to vote for him, so at first she says that she’s not really feeling Trump. But then she summons a tidal wave of eye rolls on that bus by stroking Trump.
“Um, I’m not a big fan because I think of his macho attitude. I think he would have a hard time with women when he doesn’t even realize it, and it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be good for women’s issues, I think he would be very good for women’s issues. Kill me now. I don’t think he’s out there to destroy women or takes things away or do any of that kind of stuff.”
Unlike her family, you won’t ever find Caitlyn Jenner striking poses in a selfie with Hillary Clinton. Caitlyn (read: pot) called Hillary (read: kettle) a “fucking liar” and a “political hack.”
Part of me thinks that Caitlyn is only saying that, because she doesn’t want to come out and say, “I’m rich, bitch, I have to vote for a Republican.” (That’s from the Gospel According to Philosopher Jenna Jameson, by the way.) The other part of me thinks that Caitlyn really does believe that if Ted Cruz became president she’d be the head bitch of his trans issues board, and if Donald Trump became president she’d be the head bitch of his women’s issues board. The part of me that thinks that also wants to know what brand of face paint the Kartrashians and Caitlyn use. Because I really want to sniff some shit that’ll take me to fantastical dream worlds.
Pic: Splash
Your Ass Would Probably Need Medical Attention If Gwen Stefani Told You The Juicy Details Of Her Split
Gwen Stefani did an interview with The New York Times to promote her new album This Is What The Truth Feels Like, which she made after her 13-year-marriage to Gavin Rossdale was shuffled off to the morgue. Gwen wouldn’t spill out the details about what went wrong, because Gavin is still the father of her three sons. But Gwen Stefani just had to tease us with the scandal of it all by saying that she can’t say shit, but we’d probably need to be brought back to life with defibrillator pads if we knew the truth.
Beyonce Says Beyonce’s Proudest Moment Was Birthing Blue Ivy Carter
During an interview with Garage magazine (via Billboard), Beyonce admitted that the moment that gives Beyonce the most feels is the day she gave birth to her daughter Blue Ivy Carter.
“Out of everything I’ve accomplished, my proudest moment, hands-down, was when I gave birth to my daughter, Blue.”
When asked if it was a special moment for her as well, Blue Ivy Carter replied “As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes, being birthed by Beyonce was a great moment for me too.”
It looks like the Beyonce belly truthers finally have some pretty solid proof that Beyonce actually did carry Blue Ivy. I mean, she said it herself: her proudest moment was when she gave birth to her daughter, Blue. And why would Beyonce feel the need to lie? (Beyonce’s real age just started nervously sweating). Although something tells me this just added a whole new layer of crazy onto the conspiracy. “She said ‘hands down’. What do hands touch? The ground. What’s ground in French? Sol. What do you wrap a baby in? Swaddling clothes. What is swaddling clothes in French? Langes. Sol. Langes. Solange. SOLANGE IS HER DAUGHTER, I KNEW IT!”
Pic: Garage